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So, if you cannot tell I am a 'cutter' but I have not participated in the act for about two weeks! Go me! Anyways, I began about two years ago (in May). I dont even know why it happened. I just have a hard time being able to voice my opinions and showing my feelings towards people close to me especially when they hurt me so deep. I also hate to hurt others so I would rather take it out on myself so I am the only one hurting. I know it is a messed up ideal but it is me. Anyways, I have no desire to do it anymore considering I am feeling much happier now. I am with a guy and he cheers me up so much.

The thing that pisses me off tho is that the year I began cutting, I asked for help from my mother because I was scared of myself and I did not understand what was going on with me. But now I have a better understanding after talking to other cutters and such. I really have been working on it for about a year now(stopping). Well anyways, now all of a sudden my mother is worried about me, actually my sisters and dad too. They are convince I am anorexic which is weird becuz I eat. I just dont like to overeat so I eat small portions. I have always eaten less than them. And now my mom wants to send me to a theRAPIST. I dont get it. Why all of the sudden send me? It is like, um when I asked for help u denied me and when I am getting on well on my own, u decide to take control. What the fuck?! I honestly dont get it. But whateva. I guess they decided to act like they care now. I mean it is their fault I am like this. If they didnt make me into some Cinderella of the family and always nag at me about everything, then I would not be pushed to the point of breakdown and cutting. Maybe I have some issues about me but who honestly doesnt. Not everyone has a wonderful day everyday. I am also sick of my mom telling me how to think and what I should think. I call her on it now. I am getting better at speaking up in the moment instead of holding it in until it is too much. But I figure if I go to this theRAPIST, then maybe they will get off my back some and shut the fuck up! Besides, I will get some good meds...hehe... peace

So um yeah, I got a bf now... I have no desire to even look or talk to any other guy. Hehe. I dont know... I love it! I love him! I know he will probably read this but I honestly dont care. He knows how I feel and so yeah. Whateva! All I want to do is be around him or something. Like when I am out with my sisters or my parents or even over at a friend's house, all I want to do is see him. I have never been like this and I am becoming mushy which is totally opposite of me. I am usually hardcore whateva, but now I am like using the 'love' word and wanting to kiss him alot... Hehe... He is a good kisser too. I dont even talk to my friends very much anymore which could be a bad thing on my part but I am not sure yet... that sounds awful I guess. I do still go to Leslie's to see the baby tho so that is cool. But my friend Jessica in Enid and I are becoming more distant. Besides, she has a boyfriend kinda but it is a fucked up situation because he is bi and kinda weird too. Plus she is going into the Air Force in a week so I wont be able to see her or talk to her much anyways. I guess I am mentally trying to break away from talking to her so much so I wont be hurt when I cant. I mean we are like best friends. We are what makes up Pink Venom! She is the Pink Bitch and I am Queen Venom. But anywho, I guess I just wanted to write some shit out so I am not thinking it the whole time. Whateva! Peace

I decided to change my myspace so my sisters wouldnt keep bitchin bout shit on it... I had picks of cutting and stuff on there... they said it was wrong to put it on there. what the hell? can i not express myself? geez! lol. so i have been slowly changin it some. i figure i can let myself be dark on here which is the real me and try to be normal on there... hmm i feel fake tho but oh well.

Yea so I am bored as hell! Took some hawt pics today...hehe...only certain peeps get to see...lol. ummm people need to talk to me more... message me!!! lol... maybe i will go for a run or something i dont know... i am so bored!!! whateva... its 130 central time and i havent eaten anything all day!!! i dont feel like it... sometimes food sounds so nasty to me...lol... i need to take some goth pics n my black dress...hmmm maybe tomorrow... i love taking pics... if yall cant tell... there is the hick in me...yall! lol anyways... my friend jess crise called me last nite totally wasted and shit and she was pullin the same shit as usual... walking the streets while drunk... no she isnt a hooker... lol she likes this dude names nic and he likes her and she just got scared and left. gah! i mean she is living with the guy isnt she? geez crazy shit... anyways... if anyone reads this, just know that i am ranting bullshit for the hell of it... i mean it is all true shit just ranting...whateva! lol whateva is my fav word!!! lol i wish some peeps would get on here to talk to me!!! Jessica P...for instance!!!! muah! anyways...im gonna go find something else to do... laterz