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It’s a cold sweats day- was last night too. Just not feeling 100. Fine otherwise I guess, just not comfortable. Walked 5 miles then came back inside. That’s an epic fail after getting between 17-22 miles a day for the last week. Today isn’t over yet- but if I go for more it just may be on the stupid treadmill.
I hate waiting for things to get done. I just want to be 100%, right now. I am strong and I have endurance. But I have crap to figure out with my health otherwise. I wish I could win the lottery and get elective surgery on a couple fronts and never have to wonder again if they might be a potential problem.
I walked 22 miles yesterday and still feel like I should be doing more. I know that's stupid. I've clocked 13 miles so far today and and just keep coming back home because I have things to do other than that. I am sure I'll get more before the day is out.
My daily mental state runs the gamut of anxiety, sadness, excitement, and fulfillment. Because life is packed with so many different things to feel all those feelings. And I am a big feeler, damn it. What I would really love is peace. I need a break. I want to go to Bareclona. Yesterday.
I was annoying AF as a 21/22 year old (can't remember the month this was). Watch me get my tongue pierced in Japan back in 1995. What I told and old friend today in a message- When the guy puts the clamp on, I start to say, “My father works on a ship and shovels ashes.” lol... I don’t know if you were ever told to hold your tongue and say that when you were a kid- to make you accidentally say cuss words. I remember that as soon as the needle went in I felt my eyes water.
I did this before the official "no body piercings" order came out in the Marine Corps- I took it out when that happened and then got it re-pierced when I got out of the Marines.
I have never felt so physically capable as I do right now. The things I am managing to do are beyond what I thought was possible for me- but it’s my truth. I did more as an active duty Marine, but even then it was still a back-patting even to have a 20 mile day.
The “wheels are greased” in me and what I am doing now is coming easy because I worked my way up to it and have been consistent. Over the years I made it up to these distances, but I didn’t maintain them for long. I planned this one better.
This damn rain needs to STOP. I *have* to get outside and walk. It's what I need most right now. The treadmill is not going to work one iota for so many of the reasons I need to be walking.
I feel like time has never moved slower. Just after it's moved way too fast.
If you're going through a hard time right now, struggling to buy food or basic necessities... send me a PM. Someone has reached out to me in interest of helping people in need at this time.
Almost 20 miles today- I'll get it before the day is out. I'd finished 10 before I headed back out to walk while on a phone call, came home, then went back out to talk on the phone with my sister for a bit. Still not tired. Muscles and joints are fine and my feet don't hurt either. I did get 30 minutes of running in the morning too. My mood is somber for Memorial Day- but I am glad I have been able to get through it with these miles and these phone conversations. This is constructive behavior :)
The temperatures here were so good when I started my 10 mile days at the end of last month. It’s getting hotter and hotter now. I’m glad I do it before the sun comes up... I just wish the days were better so I could head out when I feel like it then. Now we have rainy days upon us. Most of the early AMs I’m out there it isn’t raining, but more will be on the way. I’ll have to resort to this damn treadmill. I’ll try to keep in mind that I’m lucky to own one for this reason.
I’m working on my attitude problem. A funny meme I posted led me to read again, The Art of War by Sun Tzu. I’m doing that right now until I fall asleep, or something else happens.
Let me just put it out there, that I know a huge trigger for this huge rush of blue over me is due to Memorial Day weekend. I have this incalculable heartache for people right now who've suffered losses of comrades in recent times and beyond. I imagine this first Memorial Day for the families who've suffered these tragedies. I feel deep pain for those who have made it back home and feel guilt they shouldn't have to endure. It's not like any other Memorial Day I've ever lived through. I feel so connected yet so removed. I feel directly impacted all the while having zero connection. Something transcendent. Maybe it's about being a Marine. Maybe it's about a cosmic tie. Feeling helpless. Feeling like I have so much help to give but cannot.
Conundrums never knew such conundrumming.
I need it to be midnight already. I want to be outside in the darkness. Out there I can wear any face I want and no one is going to see it. I feel bad for pulling anyone into my hole who is already trying to get out of their own.
My tarot card of the day was a positive one. It tells me I have everything I need to make the changes I want. So, I am left to wonder if I am 'making a choice' to feel like shit today when that's the case. I definitely don't "like" this feeling. Maybe before the day is over I can find more clarity. I really can't be of any help to anyone like this.
Positive things about me:
I am working hard to feel well.
I'm getting things off my chest instead of prepping for a volcano.
I make kick-ass lasanga and had a right jolly leftover square for breakfast.
I'm cool enough for my son's ex-girlfriends to want to keep in touch.
Thank you for sharing this, as one of those families it's still hard to deal with the loss even though my brother passed years after, he was so proud of his service to his Country. He left this life treated with honor and dignity, from the Vet and branch of service Navy.
I met many Marine as well was married to one, met some amazing men and women who were always there when we need support when my daughter was born. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to have by your side when your world going haywire, always be grateful for them. My daughter had a lot of uncles and aunts to look up to, looking out for her.
You make the choice to get out there and process your feelings. You aren't the type to choose to be negative when there's a better way. You have to go through these feelings because they are so so SO important. Please take it slow and honor your grief.
Grief is so powerful and sacred, to me. Grief is much like joy. It overwhelms us and makes us feel like we could split open and cry rivers. It must be felt and expressed and look... You're CHOOSING to do that. That is what is important. You're doing awesome :)
It’s a day of remembrance anyway you choose to do that is up to you.
Grief is just something we all do differently. There is no right or wrong way. I’m thankful though for the sacrifices all the men and women that have served and gave their lives. There is loss but what I have gained is something I’m thankful for. That is how I choose to honor the fallen.
Another successful 10 miles. And as with yesterday, I made sure at least 30 minutes of it was running.
I feel so incredibly weird. A chaotic concoction of self-hatred and self-confidence. A broken piece of shit and a champion on the mend. Not a fan of this crap.
The sad truth of my life is that more of it has been unhappy than happy, for various reasons. I am not happy. I am doing my best to find it. I work on myself- my mind, body, spirit... it's all I can do. I need to get self-sufficient in more ways. I need to be more than what I have been for the longest time and I need to feel that I am viewed as more as well. Giving back to my community in the different ways I manage to do it is helpful. I don't need the accolades, but I know inside that I am making a difference in the world. I need to do more proving to myself than needing to hear compliments from other people, I guess.
I feel like I am moving into a depressive state. This shouldn't be happening right now with all I am doing physically. Step one in changing course here will probably creating new playlists for the miles. I am an intelligent dumbass. So there's that.
I want to live to be an old age- ***happy***, and have memories and experiences I've yet to make.
A fantastic example of why so many people fail to even begin the journey. Self improvement and change are not easy or painless and it can take an infuriating amount of time to start seeing a difference. The process isn't always just letting the bad stuff fall away and shrugging it off. Bad shit can be like barnacles and you have to rip them off. That doesn't happen without exposing raw surfaces and creating wounds.
The long walks you take are an act of vulnerability as you're left alone with your thoughts. Imagine how many people desperately avoid that. Can they even imagine having nothing between them and their thoughts and miles still to go? The Shadow starts to peek out and this isn't any cutesy "The dark side of me" shit, the Shadow is no pet or no alter ego. That's deep and dangerous stuff.
But you keep going, because you know how it is. You know exactly how it goes. You specifically, Mancer, you don't need anyone to tell you how it will be. This is more for anyone else who is waiting for change to be easy or smooth. Shit doesn't work like that.
Transitional phases take their toll both mentally and physically, setting goals is important but asking why you feel you need them is too. When you know the root causes of why you feel the way you do its easier to plan for a more positive outcome...but then what...sometimes its the repetition that can be so exhausting constantly trying to change, improve, be someone better. Its hard to explain the void that can open creating feelings of loss, emptiness etc but sometimes acceptance of the void is better than feeding it.
Hope you manage to feel better and work out what is best :)
I want the days to start flying by- as long as each one of them can be as physically productive as I’ve been able to manage these last few weeks. I can’t be sure what is wholly possible with continuous exercise and Fibromyalgia- but I know I definitely had it the last few years I was in the Marines, and I managed to be able to keep up with PT then.
I ran this morning. I really ran. I ran so much more than I thought I would be able to. I ran so much I actually cried a bit about it. What a dumbass I must’ve looked like at 2AMish out there. Maybe not much dumber than when I’m dancing down the streets to my music at the same hour. Other times I’m practicing Spanish. Those people who step aside for a late night smoke must really be getting a show.
Major happy birthdays are in order today for MORRIGON! She's been here a long time and has consistently delivered top notch skills. Be sure to give her a nod today :D
Man... I think I’m becoming one of *those* people, here... really missing the old days on VR. I used to say this place has always been what it is… But that’s not true anymore. There was definitely a time here when we had a bunch of really intelligent, witty people to engage with.
No offense to the maybe 5 smart ones here. Heh. Need to do some recruiting.
I don't even really know where to find anyone. Many of the older members I am still in contact with- but whenever they log into this place they have a hard time managing to do it again after a few glances around.
Can’t blame them I mean it is a circus around here most days.
If not for the drama it is dead silent. Nothing to fill the void. Even if someone wanted to change it no one seems to take it seriously anymore because it seems the ones that make it a circus don’t care. So it’s a joke to even try. At least that is sort of what I’ve seen.
She was a glamorous siren of no class, he was an uncultured and inexperienced young human sailor- captivated by her beauty and blind to her intentions, equally of no class. Both seeking someone to somehow raise their level in anything they were lacking- she in finding someone to do her bidding, he to fulfill emptiness in love. She perpetuated intellect she did not possess- he believed as he had none of his own.
As time went by and he became wise to her ways, he lost himself in mead and spent most of his time in the taverns and alehouses. But when the siren called, he came. And when she didn’t call, he’d show up slovenly in hopes she did and he didn’t hear it.
A recipe for disaster that ended crashing on the rocks of the shore. An ending well necessary, only they’d created a child in the chaos. A child who would be born human.
The young girl never felt connected to either of them. Their paradoxical union threw the universe into a wildcard mode that spawned a being all her own. Wisdom, selflessness, motivation... but also self-consciousness, self-loathing, and doubt she could ever be anything in coming from such roots. A father touting simplicity above all- a mother who found value in physical beauty alone.
What of the girl who wants to learn? What of the girl who would be human, faltering and reemerging?
The father would die at an early age due to a combination of disease from war and turning to drink to forget. The siren mother would live on to torment the girl and remind her consistently she wasn’t good enough. Consistently it was, until the girl decided to gather all the rocks of the sea and stack them as high as they would go- no longer able to hear the deafening hatred of the mother… and she moved on.
Years of conditioning that she wasn’t worthy were to be chiseled away- and she slowly but surely became more and more of what she valued most. Becoming a philomath and intently working toward betterment. Choosing life over damage that no doubt led to many ailments- reigning supreme over the cards dealt, dealt new cards, and in the end, becoming the dealer.
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