Fizbop's Vampire Journal

Fizbop's Journal

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7 entries this month

← Feb 2020

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Then There's this
17:39 Oct 24 2020
Times Read: 1,428

I'm a woman ok. A woman. She/Her.

There's things I don't like about myself.
There's things that I do like about myself.
Regardless of what you see I'm still a woman.

I didn't choose to do this. It's something I have to do.
To feel the person I truly am.
without the things I feel I truly need even though I'm told it's fine.
It's not fine to me. I'm glad that you do love that about me. I just need to tweek it for me.

I'm poly. I love a lot of beautiful people. The most amazing people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. They accept me they love me. They see the woman I am.

I struggle just to survive. They are seeing me fall. I'm lost in thought. Staring blankly into space.

COMMENTS

Wiccanmoon
21:06 Oct 24 2020

You are beautiful and I will tell you that myself. I do not understand how many people judge others and it is not right. I would be proud to have you as my friend and stand beside you when others judge you poorly. Hugs and keep your head up and be proud always on whom you are.

PumpkinPatch
22:33 Oct 24 2020

Yep we know your a we dear don’t let others get to u it ain’t worth stress focus on the ones who care about u

PumpkinPatch
22:33 Oct 24 2020

Women fucking cell phones lol

WitcheryBrew
00:09 Oct 25 2020

I agree with pumpkin

BloodRoseX
12:43 Oct 25 2020

I thought you looked pretty hot as a man... but then, no one really pays attention to me; so yeah. You're a beautiful woman... Hail!

I can't be me
17:09 Oct 24 2020
Times Read: 1,434

In a world with hate I can not survive.
I can't be me.

Born, taught, learn, adapt.

I've learned so much about the world in very little time. My eyes are open and it's this smog that's dark and smokie.
It stretches as far as the eye can see with no reprieve. There's maybe a handful or two of people that see things the way you do.

In this darkness there is just too much hate. I can't stand it. I don't want it.

You are treated so differently than anyone else. Because you maybe geeky, nerdy, whatnot. It starts people just hate you for no reason other than you don't fit the mold that is assigned to you. Why can't you be more like this way. I spent my time isolated most of my life avoiding anyone everyone. No one was like me at this time at least that I knew of.

Teased bullied friendless

People would tease me make fun of me annoy me. When I'm pushed to far I fight back it's instinct. You've hit everything I can give you to try to resolve this peacely. You've ignored it and now i have to fight back. You gave me no choice. I've been able to contain that feeling of being forced to fight cuz you have no more options and exhausted all of them. They won't give you an out.

I made maybe a few people that you would call friends.

In the end they all left me.

I came out to one - "adam created adam and eve not adam and steve" yes this actually happened.
Another I was struggling maintain myself in my early life.

I'm not saying I'm perfect cuz I'm not. I make mistakes. I try to fix them and only make them worse.

Years later after being exposed to the LGBTQ world me being a slut (yes I was a fucking slut). Anything to even remotely feel good. Emotions confuse me like I can only feel so happy and then it just goes away. 5 secs of this and now it's gone. Back to reality of depression. So yeah I've had depression for quite some time. I took meds for it. I thought it was getting better. In reality it was only going to get worse. Except I had no clue.

Jobs came and went always customer service. Always treated like shit even when you were doing a good job getting promotions. so you must be doing something right even though you are treated like the scum stain of the world. My depression got worse. I broke into pieces they formed personalities. (professionals don't believe me by the way.)

You meet some people on the way. You have relationships, they fail. fall apart. you don't feel you belong. Move on hopefully it will be better. Some are some aren't but all end.

I tried to be what they wanted a emotionless machine of taking the crap from people so that they can feel better about themselves. That's all you are. There's always someone that's not going to treat you like a human being.

I can't be the person that caters to what you expect me to be. I can't do that. I'm not capable of doing it anymore. There's no reward in it. I'm just forced to take everyone's abuse and except that's that. That's bullshit !

I can't be that person you expect me to be.
I've tried and tried and tried again.
Ended up sucking up to people that thought you were beneath them.
Even though you are doing everything you can just to make them happy.

You end up ridiculed, mocked, told you can't, it's wrong.
Constantly misgendered without being able to correct them.
They are always right no matter what is what you are told.
They look at you with disgust. You are just barely making a living.

People lie about you, People lie to you, No matter what you say you aren't believed.
Spoke about your Rape, (I don't believe you, that couldn't happen to you, you are imagining it)
Spoke about your abuse (I don't believe you, that couldn't happen to you, you are imagining it)
Spoke about your mental state (I don't believe you, that couldn't happen to you, you are imagining it)

Mind you these are professionals.

Do you see it?

COMMENTS

Vann
19:06 Oct 24 2020

So be YOU instead of what everyone else expects. I get that people are judging assholes and bullies.

All this crap coming at you comes from the other person's fear.

So extend thy hand and elevate the bird and say "fuck you".

There is a moment.
21:33 Oct 23 2020
Times Read: 1,450

There is a moment when you realise what the pain has made you.
In Hiding, curled in on yourself, unable to show the world your face
Acting on instinct, lashing out, even at those close to you.
Time has passed. And time is a thief. It has stolen your memories- the agony has faded,
But so has every precious moment of joy.
You have been hollowed out from the inside and there’s nothing left of the person you used to be.
But you try. You try to remember how to smile and how to love. And one day you crawl out of your hiding place and step back into the world. And then, every day you do what you must to survive.

This was spoken aloud in Anmesia Rebith video game.

This is how I feel. I'm just a shell of what I have left.

COMMENTS

Succubixencounter
02:33 Oct 24 2020

I have been there myself., still am in an away. Take one day at a time, hun; it's just another life lesson; that's how I look at it.

I had a breakdown
15:59 Oct 21 2020
Times Read: 1,484

Got a phone call and let out all my problems with what's been going on.
This lead to some authorities to come by and I passed out right in front of them.
My body could no longer take everything that I have been going through.
After they left I slept off and on.

COMMENTS

WitcheryBrew
18:59 Oct 21 2020

I go through them all the time, i even have manic attacks even more