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Lately I have really had a strong drawing towards Nyx, Greek goddess of the Night. I had a sudden, unexplained, obsession with Owls, have been seeing cats all over the place and recently picked up the first House of Night book (by accident) and who should feature prominently in the book but Nyx...

Clearly she is trying to get my attention.... it worked!

I astral travelled last night, and went "home". I've done this before in my sleep, but it always leaves me heartbroken and disorientated when I wake bake in this reality.



I have family there, friends, lovers. I met with one of my lovers while I was there... I woke in his bed. He is Vampire. I couldn't remember his name and he didn't mind. He let me call him whatever came to mind, so I did.

He had other lovers too, one that he needed to feed from, so I let him go. I went to visit my best friend. I love her dearly, I miss her. She loves me too. She knows exactly what I am and what I need. We hugged and laughed and cried, she told me to go and visit 'the others' although I didn't really know WHO she meant, I knew where to go to get there.



I was walking to my home, at least I think it was my home... it was definitely somewhere i call Home. There were people there who were "family" but not relatives. I think they must have been family by choice. They lived together in a big house.



I stayed there for a while and then went walking again. A Jaguar ran across the street. I knew it wasn't supposed to be there, so I approached it, and as I picked it up it became a cub in my arms. Suddenly there were people every celebrating. I don't really know what they were celebrating for, something to do with me picking up the cat? It was some kind of great significance, I'd chosen or the cat had chosen me or something. Half way through the celebrations I was thrust back here. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my lover or my friend.



So now I'm back here, feeling horrible.

bah

><

For some reason I have this urge to write here, even though I don't actually think I have anything to say right now.



I'm feeling oddly nostalgic today, thinking about the friends I had in high school. They ones that all stayed together after school, married and had families together. Their children all know each other and play together and I miss that even though i never actually had it. I miss what could have been I suppose.



I have led a pretty isolated life. I don't have a lot of friends and I hate that. I miss having friends. I yearn for dinner parties and late nights drinking wine and discussing culture with a group of intellectuals. I'm actually SAD that this isn't in my life right now. I don't know where to find it, I don't know how to look.



Part of me wonders if it's the inner Vamp that's yearning for the parties and the conversation. The ambiance that comes from dinner parties and clever discussion is like sweet, sweet wine. I can get drunk on it, and I haven't fed that way in such a long long time.



Australia is such a shit place to live with me being the way I am. I want culture where there is none, I want alternative, dark souls and there are none. I cannot move, I have to stay where I am for at least a year. At LEAST. And honestly i wouldn't know where to go. With a partner and two young children in tow, I have let myself become so very main stream. It is so depressing!!!!



BAH

I need to start journaling about more positive things instead of moaning about my life lol