Well that can't be good. I have had such extreme nightmares I woke up with my chest wall swollen from stress. Nothing like starting my day waking up crying and icing my chest. Sigh.
Today I figured I would write something happier. I can't face and erase all my demons all at once. I am doing better right now. Although now I have to watch my BP. I am not looking forward to the heat of summer but at least it finally stopped raining. Today I am really going to try and work more on my project I was supposed to release 5 months ago. It's taking me longer but I am enjoying the process.
I was surprised tonight when Mr. A was nice to me for a few minutes. Normally, he shuts me out, ignores me. It's been five months since he said any sort of compliment. It's a little frustrating.
In other news, I am doing a little bit better. Career-wise things are finally shaping up. Maybe I will make a name for myself. That has helped my mood some I am not going to lie.
Healthwise things are still a thumbs down for me. I am still giving my best effort to get myself healed and in better shape to function better.
Today I had a dream about Ms. T. I haven't seen her since high-school. She used to be my best friend but after graduating high-school she did nothing with her life. She became a shut in and takes care of her disabled parents. I miss her sometimes. She was a lot of fun to be around. I forgave her for bad mouthing me along with my abuser in the garage right before we graduated. Hell she probably did talk badly about me behind my back during school. But I can't be too mad about it I wasn't on a good path. Anyways it's not normal for me to dream of living people. My dreams aren't usually like that. It was nice to catch up in my dream but makes me wonder why did I dream about her. I hope she is ok. I don't have any way of contacting her. She broke off all ties to the world the day after graduation.
Recently I was face to face with one of my abusers growing up. I didn't hurt him like I wanted to. Maybe I am getting soft. The old me would have jumped at the chance to make him pay for everything he ever did to me. I was extremely happy to see he wasn't doing great. Thinking back I sure hope righting my karma and not fucking killing him is the best answer. He did a lot of shit to me. I hope that means I am still growing as a person. He was the first person only life to continue to hurt me on a daily basis. I got beat everytime I even looked like I had an attitude. At 12 I was forced to work so I could pay rent. At 15 he forced me on the streets. He didn't care what happened to me and trust me that was my nicer memories. Once on the streets it was a different ballgame. I weighed 50 lbs at 15. I had to sleep outside in the cold and the rain. I ate out of trash cans, ate bark off of trees and off of peoples plates when I would bus them. I was called fat and ugly every single day. I paid for my own schooling and clothes. I didn't have a pair of jeans til I was in high-school. By that point I was doing everything I could think to not starve or freeze to death. Eventually I ended up at party where a guy said I could stay with him. He was nice enough and it had started to snow. He was a convicted child molester who got a 14 year girl pregnant. I later found that out. After I found out he was drugging me and raping me every night while I was unconscious. He had said he wasn't the only one. Probably wasn't but I couldn’t stomach finding out for sure. I ran away. I lived in a drain ditch by the police station. It snowed and I caught pneumonia and almost died. I spent my time surviving as people continued to hurt me and be cruel to me. Eventually I gave up and drank some cleaning bleach. It made me sick and I threw up blood. To this day I still don't know who found me in the cemetery I had hid myself in to die. I woke up in the hospital. The more I ran the more I tried to understand that love feeling I had read about In books. That landed my.in so many bad situations. I got stabbed five times.and left for dead by a woman I thought loved me. My husband at the time was fucking her so they decided together to get rid of me. I lay in the rain for days outside of town in a ditch. Sure I am tough but at the same time I am weak. Now I have survived my body decided to injure itself. That old programming to stay alive is kicking in. On top of battling this stupid depression it's really messing with my mind. Hopefully by me not killing him will put me on a better path.
I mustn't let this depression crush and defeat me. I should know by now there isn't a happy ending fairy tale. Life is rough. Sigh.
I thought a lot about my past last night. I have decided in order to exorcize my demons I must write them down and face them. Maybe by facing the pain I can finally move forward with my life. Maybe it will give me the courage I need to live and remember how strong I really am.
I am being buried under every day chores. I keep telling Mr. A that I need help. Yet he still doesn't get off his lazy ass and do anything. After nagging for days I still end up doing it all. I am worried that if I have to get a surgery I will have to turn it down. There is no way I can let the house get that bad from his fucking laziness. If he cooks more than once a week he bitches. He doesn't do laundry, he doesn't pick up after himself. Nothing. Meanwhile I am hurting my injury even more trying to keep up. I thought about kicking him out. But right now I am not working. Living on the streets wasn't fun when I had to do so at 15. I don't ever want to have to go back. I've talked to him about it, but he isn't listening. No one seems to realize how much hell I am putting myself through just to make it through each day. I feel like I am way in over my head. And I am alone. I have no friends, no one to turn to. Nothing. Suddenly it doesn't matter I am injured. All that matters is doing what I can to survive. The place I am renting is falling apart and my slumlord landlord won't fix anything. I need to move to a better place. I need an income so I can just cut my ties with him and go my own way. I wanted so badly for this to work. I really cared at one point. Now I know it will never change. He won't clean, he won't be romantic to me. Hell it's like breaking his arm in order to just get even a kiss from him. I have this stupid injury to deal with, 2 kids, no income, and depression seems to be following me around. I tried to tell him I was getting severely depressed. His response was to get over it and he didn't know what to tell me. I even thought about dying again. I mean I don't want to leave my kids in his incapable hands. That though us what stopped me. I got a few years before I could try and take my life again. In the meantime I am having a bad time with no way of keeping my head above the water that is drowning me.
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