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Sometimes I want to send him an email, see how he's doing, catch up with an old friend. But then I remember that that part of my life, my late teens, I was someone else completely, and maybe it's best to not reach out to him. I just miss him. It's fleeting, those moments, but the feelings are there. I miss the companionship, the comradery we used to share. I miss my friend. I have so few friends these days...
I hope life is treating him well, that it's given him all the happiness he deserves.
Sitting here with my nephew watching music videos on YouTube. This kid really likes OK Go's music and videos. And, they're good. Their videos are always a spectical to watch. I wish more bands had their creativity and awesomeness when it comes to their music videos.
I just talked to my eldest cousin, Chris, and he gave me some pretty good news. We'll have to see how Wednesday goes, but I'm hopeful. And, if it does work out, it's a real, serious career I could get behind. Fingers crossed!
It snowed here. It's not supposed to snow here. Granted it wasn't much and it didn't stick but it snowed here. In Southern California. In LA. Snow belongs on the mountains, nowhere else.
It's still so weird when I get complimented about my singing. Tonight I've been told three separate times that I sing beautifully. And I don't know how to react to that. Compliments are weird for me to begin with, add it to something I'm super self conscious about, like my singing, and I just... I don't know. It's just weird. Really weird.
I've been in a shit mood all day. It probably stems from the complete and utter lack of sleep I get here at home. I don't feel like being social, talking or dealing with anyone. So, if I come off as short with you, well, I'd say sorry, but in reality I'm not. The funny thing is, is that I'm not even tired. I just kinda want to punch anyone who even looks at me in the face. With a brick.
I was reading over the Society section of my journal earlier. It made me realize that at one point I kept pretty extensive records about the Socities I've taken part in here over the years, and I wish I had kept those records up to date. Unfortunately, I stopped many years ago, and if I did try to update that list, I'd be completely lost because I've been in and out of so many Covens over the years. I don't remember them all. Needless to say, I think I'm the one person on all of VR who has taken part in well over 100 Societies. When I stopped keeping records I was in the 50s, and I know for a fact I have substantially added to that number over the years.
It's a funny thing, when I think about it... My desire to be free, to wander like I do. It's a wonder how people have put up with me over the years when I come and go as I please.
Maybe I'll attempt to update the list, though, as I said, there would be so many gaps because I simply cannot recall everywhere I've been with all the profiles I've had over the years. I wish I was a better record keeper. If not for me, at last for the rest of VR, because there are so many disbanded and forgotten Covens on that list. It would have been nice to serve as a little timeline or something for everyone.
Burning bridges and writing people off... While it originally might have been the right thing for me to do at the time, I understand now that it's left me with very few friends, people I trust enough to actually talk to. My circle has always been small, I'm not one to let someone in easily, and most people have usually given up, but now... Now it feels like it is non-existant. I have always been quick to push people away, it's a coping mechanism when I feel hurt. I shut everyone out and crawl so deep inside myself. I have been trying to fix this pattern of behavior because I do understand that it's more hiderance than it is helpful.
I miss people. Certain people. People I used to love. People I could talk with via text or on the phone/Skype for hours on end and never get bored with. The people who understood me, who accepted me as I am. I miss having them in my life. And I have been trying to mend things with some. I know it's never going to be the same as it was in the beginning, but something is always better than nothing. I just wish I could do it with everyone I want in my life. It's hard wanting to reach out to someone but knowing it's best if you don't. Some bridges should stay burnt. But even so, I miss the companionship I once had with them.
Nonsense rambles. I can't sleep, as usual. And I've just been thinking far too much in these dark, lonely hours.
I went to sleep at a "normal" hour for once, crashed around midnight out of boredom more than actually being tired. But, I slept through the night, which is something I haven't been able to do for months. No nightmares, no waking up frozen seeing awful things. It was actually restful sleep. It was nice. I might try and get some more rest, I'm feeling a little sick and I really don't want to deal with that.
With passion burning in her deep, dark eyes
She stared up at him
Silently pleading
Silently begging
More
She needed so much more
She needed everything he could give her
The pain, the pleasure
Oh, the pleasure...
He was the only one
The only one who could set her on fire
Who made her quiver and burn
He was Master
And she was his
His toy, his plaything
To use and abuse
To take and to keep
Oh, how she loved it
How she loved the freedom
That freedom only found
When completely and freely
Giving all of herself to him
The freedom of total
Submission
It's been two years since she left me, my little princess, my Ishtar. I still think I see her sometimes, I still call out to her like she's going to come prancing into my room, meowing at me like she used to. I miss her. I miss her every single day. The way she took over my bed, the way she would cuddle with me, talk to me... I hate that she's gone. That all three of them are gone...
When I was in high school I loved Aiden, his first band. Their album, Nightmare Anatomy was constantly playing from it's release in late 2005 through my 2007. I couldn't get enough of it. And after that, I loved this project that eventually became William's full-time passion. Hate Culture is probably one of my favorite albums, due to the themes and the music. I've actually been listening to it a lot these last few days. But, I definitely think his newer music blows what's on Hate Culture out of the water. You can hear the growth, both in the music and in his lyrics. This is one of my favorite songs. And... I think I feel it more now than I did before.
I've been playing the Anthem open demo and honestly, I am in love with this game! It took a little getting used to, the controls aren't something I'm used to coming from Destiny, which is essentially just point and shoot. It's fun, though. It's really fun to play. I'm so looking forward to the 22nd when it's released and I can fully immerse myself in the world.
I've already got my pre-order in. I've been following it since its E3 debut, and I'm so glad it's finally coming out! The demo, from what I've played, is awesome. It's a bit of a learning curve, especially for me who comes from pretty much exclusively playing Destiny and Destiny 2 for the last 4 (?) years, but it wasn't hard once I did figure things out.
PRIVATE ENTRY
10:22 Feb 01 2019 Times Read: 2,186
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
03:49 Feb 01 2019 Times Read: 1,987
Things brought to my attention. Ah, the stupidity of it all.
"Especially if you're immortalxkiss - who would sleep with anything that looks at her. Married, underaged or 90 years old."
I have never in my life slept with anyone married, underage, or someone who's geriatric. The biggest age difference I've ever dealt with is 12 years my senior, and at 31, 12 years is nothing. And, I don't "sleep with anything that looks at me." But hey, where would VR be without it's bullshit, distorted" facts?"
Meh. This is the only time I'll respond to this idiocy. Have your fun, people. It isn't worth my time to try and convince anyone here I'm something else. Those who choose to know me, know who I am, what kind of person I am. The rest of you, eh, I'm done trying to convince any of you.
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