THIS JOURNAL IS ON 403 FAVORITE JOURNAL LISTSHonor: 554 [ Give / Take ]
49 entries this month
PRIVATE ENTRY
18:42 Mar 30 2017
Times Read: 1,348
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
05:49 Mar 29 2017
Times Read: 1,401
My grandmother is in the ICU. She hasn't been conscious since 8 last night. She has fluid in her lungs. She's completely unresponsive. Her heart rate is too high and her blood pressure is too low. They don't know what's wrong with her, but it isn't looking good. She has a DNR so, I don't know. She may never regain consciousness. It's like Ralph all over again...
12:59 Mar 28 2017
Times Read: 1,569
The truth, I guess it stings just a little too much? As much as you'd like, deleted comments don't always disappear...
"I'm not here, I'm just going to post this journal on this site I supposedly hate after saying I was leaving forever, because I have a compulsive need to place blame on people and an inability to get the fuck over things."
You know what people find tiring about all of this? Is that this isn't anything new with any of you. You people just go in this vicious circle of blame. First it's you, then it's Marci, then it's Cat. Round and round and round, each of you screaming victim at some point or another, each of you placing blame on the others for whatever perceived slight you can think up. It's been going on for years. Years.
Vampire Rave is just a website. It's the people who make your experience with this website positive or negative. It's amazing that people can be members here for years on end and not have the problems you lot have. Because normal people don't let the petty bullshit of a make believe online world effect their reality in any meaningful way. But you and your ilk, you can't let a damn thing go. So you make your journals, call people out in kismets and in your Covens. You bitch about each other in your cams. Then you go and play friends for a while, only to have it all start all over again. You all play the victim when none of you are anything of the sort. Every single one of you is a bully. And while you may be too blind to notice your own horrible behavior, the rest of us aren't. We see you for what you are. And it's disgusting.
For someone so innovative, so smart, so well educated, you sure do carry on like someone who, well, is none of those things. The smart thing to do, if you dislike this place so much, would be to walk away and stop all this. But you can't.
PRIVATE ENTRY
07:00 Mar 28 2017
Times Read: 1,587
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
08:45 Mar 27 2017
Times Read: 1,612
I keep seeing the Mass Effect: Andromeda trailer when I watch stuff on YouTube, and it's gotten this song stuck in my head. Weeks. It's been in there for weeks. Thank goodness it's a great song, so it's alright.
05:00 Mar 27 2017
Times Read: 1,662
Don't you ever get tired of this cycle?
I do, and I'm not even involved.
PRIVATE ENTRY
04:17 Mar 27 2017
Times Read: 1,668
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
PRIVATE ENTRY
00:27 Mar 27 2017
Times Read: 1,685
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
22:04 Mar 24 2017
Times Read: 1,737
It's a hard truth, seeing just how much of a bother you are to some people. I tried with Chris, I gave everything I could to be a good girlfriend, then to just be a good friend when he no longer wished to be in a relationship. I respected his decision, I went with what he wanted. Because that's what you do when you love someone. I've only ever tried to give him what he wanted at the time. But now I realize how much of an idiot I've been. I'd bend over backwards for him when he wouldn't ever do the same for me. I'd give him the shirt off my back when he wouldn't even be willing to give me the time of day. I'm not a good person, I know I have a lot of faults and issues to deal with, but I try. I really do try. But him? He doesn't even try to hide it anymore that he's an asshole. That he's a selfish prick who only cares about himself, and if that means hurting other people to get what he wants, well, sucks to be those other people. I'm tired of being treated like I don't matter until he wants something from me. I never wanted to remove him from my life, because I care. I care so much. But I won't take being treated like this anymore. He's not going to change, I know it. I've always known it. But I hoped... I hoped that he'd realize he had someone who loved him. That he would make an effort for me. It was all stupidity on my part. He is who he is, and while someone may be able to change him for the better, it was never going to be me. He simply didn't want to. So, this is me, closing that book, shelving these feelings. I tried my best, and it clearly wasn't enough. It was never going to be enough for him.
08:31 Mar 24 2017
Times Read: 1,761
Has anyone played Mass Effect: Andromeda? I want to get it, but Mario has played it and he wasn't impressed. And he's not the only one I know who feel like it was overhyped and kind of garbage. And I have heard horrible things about the graphics, the story, the characters... Basically everything about it. For a AAA game, I'm reserved about buying it when I have heard more bad about it than good.
So, has anyone here played it? And if you have, would you recommend it? What's your favorite aspect of the game? What's your least favorite? Is the story as good as the original series? Are the characters as loveable as Commander Shepard?
I want to love it, I really do. I'm a Mass Effect fan and have been eager to play Andromeda since I heard it was being made. But I don't want to waste money on a game I'm not going to enjoy. I mean, I already did that with Halo 5. I'm still only halfway through the campaign, and I refuse to play anymore because of how bad it is. $60 is a lot of money to invest into a video game I won't enjoy.
PRIVATE ENTRY
02:20 Mar 24 2017
Times Read: 1,771
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
PRIVATE ENTRY
20:05 Mar 23 2017
Times Read: 1,787
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
08:29 Mar 23 2017
Times Read: 1,805
It's extremely rare that I'll sit and listen to the music on any of my profiles, as I access VR mostly by my phone these days, and the music had to be manually started instead of automatically starting like it does on the computer. However, I was putting a song on my newest profile, and I switched over to this account to see something. I've never really looked at it on this screen resolution before. Anyway, the song I have playing on this profile, Green and Blue from Halo 4, it hits me with all the emotions I felt when I played through that story the first time. And, it is just a beautiful song on its own. I have to say, some of the most amazing music can be found on video game soundtracks. But, it was the first time I really listened to the song in months and months. And, I don't know, it jut always makes me emotional. It transcends the game it comes from. Very few songs can have such an effect on me like Green and Blue does. I don't know if that's such a good thing right now, as my emotional state is shakey on a good day and completely unstable on others... But, even with all that, all that it makes me feel, that song also calms me. It's a funny thing, the things music can do to a person.
20:49 Mar 22 2017
Times Read: 1,844
The thing I'm looking forward to the most with the new site updates is that images won't stretch out my screen anymore. I access VR mainly from my phone, so when the idiots come along with their huge stamps, it stretches out the screen to horrendous proportions, and I'm not a fan of that. But, with the new updates coming, I won't have to worry about it anymore because all the stupidly large images people like to use will be scaled down to fit my screen size. You have no idea how excited I am about that one aspect. Not to mention all the other awesome things coming, but that one little thing, that is what I'm most eager for.
15:03 Mar 20 2017
Times Read: 1,890
There has to be a rule somewhere that construction can't start before 8 am. I've been listening to them tear up the asphalt for 45 minutes now.
05:13 Mar 20 2017
Times Read: 1,966
People are... People. That's both a beautiful and utterly disappointing thing.
04:11 Mar 20 2017
Times Read: 2,034
Oh, look at that, you're back.
What was all that nonsense about leaving? That's right, just a show. It's always just a show. I was really hoping you'd actually go the fuck away though.I was really hoping for that.
Oh well.
02:38 Mar 19 2017
Times Read: 2,131
I'll only believe that any of you are actually leaving VR when the 30 days are up and your profiles are nothing. But, you won't leave. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. You can't. So all this nonsense with the kismets and the journals, pretending like any of you are victims of anything but karma coming to bite you in the ass for your own horrible behavior, is for show. One stupid, stupid show.
20:05 Mar 18 2017
Times Read: 2,151
Woke up feeling like death this morning. I can't go over and help with my grandmother because I'm not willing to compromise her health. My youngest cousin is there, and I think my eldest will be there for a little while as well. This feels like strep throat, and I really hope that's not the case. I'll give it a few more days, and if I'm not feeling any better, well, I don't know. Guess I'll have to scrounge up some cash to go see a doctor.
06:55 Mar 18 2017
Times Read: 2,181
What's the point of staying home and saying your going to help when you don't actually stay home and fucking help? I can't move my grandmother, I can't lift her up and change her positions. This is why my cousin was supposed to stay home, so he could be here to help do what I can't. I couldn't be more disappointed in some of my family right now. I'm going to have to talk to my aunt Sue in the morning, or knock some fucking sense into my little cousin. Or both. I'm thinking both. I even tried calling my dad, but his phone was off and he's probably already headed off to work. I don't mind being here and helping, but I can't do this all by myself. I really can't. And I shouldn't have to. I'm seriously pissed right now.
04:33 Mar 18 2017
Times Read: 2,201
I guess I'll be staying at my aunt's house for the night. My youngest cousin up and vanished on me and my eldest, Chris, was helping me but he has his own family to take care of. So, it's just me here, with the 3 chihuahuas. Noisy.
23:56 Mar 17 2017
Times Read: 2,213
It looks like the hospital will be releasing my grandmother tonight, which means it's up to me to take care of her until my aunt gets back from Arizona on Sunday. I don't know if I'll wind up just saying at my aunt's house, or if I'll wind up coming home. I guess that's the beauty of living out here now, at least I'm only ten minutes from both my aunt Sue's and aunt Stacy's houses. So, even if I do come home, should something happen, I'll be close.
19:32 Mar 17 2017
Times Read: 2,231
My cousin's fiancée works at a vet clinic. She got in four little kittens that were just dropped off because they were unwanted, and since she knows what's happened with my Ish and Dite, and she asked if I wanted to take any of the kittens. So, I'll be getting a new boy and girl in about five weeks. They're so young right now that they're still being bottle fed and she didn't want me to have to worry about that. I don't mind, really, we had to bottle feed Ishtar and Mongo, as we found them when there were only a few days old. But yeah, two new kittens. It' ll be good for Nyx, since right now all she has is Mongo, and Mongo just can't play like she can. He's too old and has too many issues. And, from the pictures, they are adorable. Plus,major bright side here, since Celia is a vet, she's going to take care of all the shots and getting them spayed/neutered for free.
03:15 Mar 17 2017
Times Read: 2,267
I'm just going to wall myself up in my little corner here and forget people exist for a while. I'm so tired on so many different levels, dealing with other people is just too much for me right now.
04:10 Mar 16 2017
Times Read: 2,300
I got home from the hospital a little while ago. They finally started her chemo treatment tonight, so that's a relief. She said she may actually be able to go back to my aunt Sue's hose tomorrow or Friday. If it's Friday I'm going to have to be the one who picks her up from the hospital. Well, me and my younger cousin, Tim. Hopefully this, whatever I caught, will just go away and I'll be able to take care of her all weekend while everyone's in Arizona. I doubt it will, because weak immune systems make getting over things take forever, but, I'm hoping I'll be okay. I'll probably go back in the morning, spend and hour or two there. I don't know. I'm tired of the hospital thing. That said, I'll still go, because she's my grandmother and I love her.
22:47 Mar 15 2017
Times Read: 2,353
If you are actually looking to leave a website or whatever, you do so without fanfare. Without the journal entries and without the kismets. You simply leave. Maybe you send out some messages to certain people, but that's it. When you put out the journals and kismets, you're merely looking for attention. "Hey, look at me! I'm totally leaving, guys! Like, don't try to stop me or anything, 'cause I'm super serious about this" People do it far too often and it's utterly annoying. Leave or don't leave, there is no need to post it up everywhere.
18:06 Mar 15 2017
Times Read: 2,368
I've been at the hospital all morning, just visiting with my grandmother. I'll be going back tonight for an hour or two, should she not be asleep like she was last night when I went. I don't mind making the drive, the hospital is only about 15 minutes from where I live by freeway. However, I think I may actually be getting sick. I can feel it in my throat. It's why I hate hospitals. I have such a weak immune system that catching something was inevitable with all the time I've been spending there. So, I don't know if I'll want to visit this whole weekend. I mean, I should, because everyone else will be in Arizona packing up what's left of the house, but she's already dealing with enough that I don't want to compromise her health anymore than it already is. Fucking dilemma. I'm gonna down some medicine, so hopefully it will be okay.
22:56 Mar 14 2017
Times Read: 2,414
After years and years and years of having a Premium Membership here, I've all but forgotten how much it sucks to have a free account. I can't do anything with it. Not that I even know what I'd do with it, even if it was Premium... Bah. Maybe soon I can get six months or a year put on, but for now I have to deal with not having features I'm so used to having. It's so weird, I tell ya! Weird!
22:05 Mar 14 2017
Times Read: 2,426
I brought my Dite home today. They didn't give me any seeds to plant in her memory, so I am going to have to find something so I can plant hers and Ishy's together. Maybe little roses or something, something pretty. She'll go rest on my bookshelf, next to Ish, where she belongs. It's so final now... Both of them are gone. I hate it. I'd trade Nyx in a million times over just to get my Ishtar and Aphrodite back.
Not that I don't love Nyx. I do. She's just... She's not them. And I don't know if she's all that comfortable with me yet. Slow going. So slow with that one.
18:49 Mar 14 2017
Times Read: 2,438
It's funny, watching my mother try to explain to my grandmother how to use her new smartphone. I'm sitting here explaining to my mother what she's doing wrong. It's like the blind leading the blind with those two. But, we did make it a little easier on my grandmother, we got her a stylus since her hands are all shaky and she doesn't quite understand how to use the touchscreen. I dislike hospitals, but spending time with my Nana is worth it all. She's looking so much better, and I'm sure she'll be top again when she starts her treatments. She has my aunt's doctor, so we know she's in good hands. It's good to see she's more coherent today than she has been.
01:18 Mar 14 2017
Times Read: 2,514
I'm curious... If I were to create an alt account, and level it up with the intention of helping a Coven, old or new, would anyone want me? It wouldn't be a Premium, I don't have the money for that right now, but I'd be active.
All this stuff going on in my life, I need an outlet, and gaming has gotten a little hard for me lately. I can't really concentrate on anything. So, I'm willing to dive into VR again for a while.
18:49 Mar 13 2017
Times Read: 2,534
My Nana is back in the hospital. It's bad, you know, her being in the hospital again, and she has a kidney infection on top of all the other issues, but it's great because now she has a doctor and can start her chemo treatments. Moving her here from Arizona was a nightmare on my family because she was going without her treatments, she didn't have a doctor or anything, and while we were trying to sort things out and get things done, this stuff isn't easy or quick. But, this way, horrible as it is, at least she's getting the care she needs now. So it's a huge relief. Hopefully she'll stay in the hospital until Monday or so, so the yard sale can happen and no one has to be home to constantly take care of her. I hate saying that, but it would be the best option for my family. We wouldn't have to worry about something happening while we're out of state and unable to deal with it.
The real hard part now is talking to Dave, her husband. My Nana is walking away from the house, letting it go into foreclosure, but Dave still has no real idea that's happening. He's an an assisted living facility right now, but he's under the impression that he'll be going home after the time limit is up. He has no home to go to. My grandmother really should have told him this, but now she's not in any place to do so. So... That will be a fun conversation to have. Dave isn't the calmest person when dealing with stuff, and this is huge, so I don't even want to think how he'll react to the news. So much is left to do.
01:01 Mar 13 2017
Times Read: 2,565
I got home from Yuma about an hour ago. It was... difficult. My Nana's house is just so full of stuff. So much stuff. All the main furniture was split up between my mother and my two aunts, so that will be fun to bring home. I am likely going back out there Thursday night, as there's going to be a big yard sale thing at my grandmother's park, so we have to set everything up on Friday and be up bright and early Saturday. Hopefully we'll be able to get rid of all the silly knickknacks she's collected over the years. What we can't sell will just be given to a thrift store. I'm tired, it's been a long weekend and I am so happy to be home.
21:12 Mar 10 2017
Times Read: 2,613
I'm tired. Not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually... Just tired. This year started off with bad news and decided that was going to be the theme for my life, one horrible event after another, one piece of bad news after another. I need a break from life. I'm breaking. I really don't know how to cope with everything that's been thrown at me these last few months. I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired. I have no one to talk to about it all, so it's all being bottled up inside me. It's unhealthy and I know that, but I can't do anything else. I don't know how to deal with everything like a responsible adult. Add comments from people outside who dont know a damn thing about me and what I'm dealing with just makes it that much worse. How the hell am I supposed to just "feel better" when it feels like everything I know and love is slipping away, is being taken from me? I'm not asking for your sympathy, I don't need your pity, I just need you to understand that I'm not in a great mindset right now, and I probably won't be for awhile. I just need you to accept that right now I'm at my limits and civility has taken a backseat. Sorry if I'm being bitchy, but given everything I've been dealing with, I think I deserve a little leniency.
PRIVATE ENTRY
03:40 Mar 10 2017
Times Read: 2,648
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
PRIVATE ENTRY
01:37 Mar 10 2017
Times Read: 2,676
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
17:57 Mar 09 2017
Times Read: 2,723
There are so many typos in the last entry, I apologize for that. That's what happens when I do things when I'm emotionally drained and physically tired.
Tomorrow night I'll be making my last visit out to Yuma. My mom and two aunts are going to my Nana's house to pack it up and sort things for the yard sale that's going to happen in the next few weeks. I'm going because my Nana and my aunt Sue said I should, my Nana wants me to go through what she has and pick things that I want to keep. So, I'll be without internet, as she doesn't have any there and my data is pretty close to cap and it doesn't reset until Monday. So, I'll be off the grid until Sunday night. I'm honestly not looking forward to this. The last time I went out there with my aunt Stacy, there was a huge fight, I called her a bitch, and we didn't talk for months. So... Looking forward to something like that happening again... Hopefully it'll be fine since my Nana isn't actually going to be there, but we'll see. My mouth could probably still cause problems. So, that will be my weekend. I doubt I'll take much, she and I don't have the same taste in books, and I'd rather her sell those and get some money than me just keep them and never read them. I may hijack her movie collection, though. But, like, I don't feel comfortable taking things when she's not even, you know, gone. I don't know. It's a funny thing with me. Anyway, we'll see how this weekend goes. I'm kind of glad it's the last time I'll have to be there in that city, in that house.
05:32 Mar 09 2017
Times Read: 2,750
I went and saw my Nana tonight. She looks... Frail. And broken. And so, so sick. The cancer is really taking its toll on her body. It was hard to be there, to see her like that. The prognosis is anywhere between six months to a few years, depending on how her body handles the chemo. It's terminal, the chemo wot throw it in to remission, merely slow it down. It's gotten to her spine, and although iy hasn't hit any major organs yet, I think that's only a matter of time. It's good that's she's home. With us, with her family. At least we can try and keep her spirits up, and she'll be with the people who love her most.
PRIVATE ENTRY
23:40 Mar 08 2017
Times Read: 2,793
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
PRIVATE ENTRY
19:08 Mar 08 2017
Times Read: 2,820
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
11:43 Mar 08 2017
Times Read: 2,848
You know what the worst thing about all of this is? Waking up in the middle of the night and going to pet a cat that is no longer there. I've shared my bed with one cat or another for just about the last twenty-one years (except when I lived in Oregon, then I shared the bed with Brannan and his dog), so it's weird to shift positions and not have to worry about disturbing their sleep, to open my eyes and not see them curled up on my pillow, or right next to my face. It just feels empty. Empty and cold. I hate it. I want my Ishtar and my Aphrodite back.
PRIVATE ENTRY
03:30 Mar 08 2017
Times Read: 2,880
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
07:59 Mar 07 2017
Times Read: 3,002
My Aphrodite.
01:38 Mar 07 2017
Times Read: 3,050
First Ishtar and now Aphrodite. As of 5:27, she's gone.
17:08 Mar 06 2017
Times Read: 3,080
There's something wrong with her mouth or her throat. I can't see what it is, but the way she eats and drinks, it's pretty apparent. It's been something she's had for a while, but it's never affected her as much as it does now. I jut attributed the way she reacted to swallowing due to the fact that she lost one of her canine teeth. Funny thing is, is I've taken her to the vet within the last year, and they didn't see any issues. So, whatever it was must have just gotten really bad in the last few months. I think that's why she's gotten really thin, she doesn't eat or drink as much because I think it hurts. I can't do anything for her. As horrible as it is and as much as I hate myself, I can't afford any more vet bills. Ishtar pretty much wiped my savings clean. Hard decisions have to be made, and I really don't want to have to make them. But, do I let her keep living, keeping her in the state that she is, or do I let her go peacefully? She's had 16 great years with me.
02:54 Mar 06 2017
Times Read: 3,112
I think Aphrodite is getting close. She's taken to hiding, something she's never done before in all the years I've had her. Hiding in the corner of the walk-in closet, under the bed, anyplace dark and secluded. She meows at nothing and it sounds like her breathing is becoming labored. I don't know what to do for her. I don't want her to suffer, but I can't go through that process again so soon after Ishtar.
20:20 Mar 05 2017
Times Read: 3,132
A bit of good news thrown in with the constant shit I usually have to deal with, is that my grandmother is moving back here to California from Arizona. Today, actually. She'll be living with my aunt Sue, who lives ten minutes from me, so that'll be good should something happen. My mother and I were supposed to go out there next week, spend a week there, help her do things and get to doctor appointments since she's pretty weak from the chemo they pump into her. So, now I don't have to go and do that, thankfully. I don't mind the idea of helping her, and I probably will spend time at my aunt's to help out, since my aunt is pretty sick as well with crohn's disease, I just hate that I had to go to Arizona. Not even a fun part of Arizona. Yuma. We've been trying to get her to move back for years and it's kind of shitty that this is the reason that made her do it, but it's also good. At least she can be here with her family, not 4 hours away in another state.
20:31 Mar 04 2017
Times Read: 3,166
Something's wrong with Aphrodite. I don't know if she just notices Ishy's absence and is dealing with it in her own way, or if she's getting close to death; she's seventeen. While she's always been a thin cat, she can't weigh more then six pounds at this point, and I think the majority is her fur. You can feel her backbone, her hips, prominently, there's no meat on her. She just sleeps all day, and yeah, it's normal for cats to sleep a lot, but this isn't her normal behavior. She hardly eats anything, and she has to constantly be near me. I don't know what to do, or if anything can even be done, since she's so far up there in age. I can't lose her so soon after Ishtar though. I just can't.
02:05 Mar 02 2017
Times Read: 3,212
You know what makes me smile? When I hop on Xbox and get an invite from Chris to play a little Destiny. He and I don't talk as much as we used to, both of us tend to be busy, so days where we actually play together are rare. We didn't do much, maybe about an hour spent running some strikes, but it's enough. It's enough to make me happy. His mic is busted, so we just communicated via text messages, but I'm not complaining. I enjoy and cherish what time I do get with him these days, because I know what it's like to not actually speak to him or get to game with him for months on end. So, even if it's just an hour, I'll take it and be content. Even if it is just running pointless strikes on Destiny, I'll take it and smile the whole time. Because knowing he's there, on the other end, makes it all worth while.
It feels like a more mature kind of love. Not needing to constantly bombard him with messages when I know he's on. No need to constantly blow up his phone because I feel ignored. I take what I get and I smile. Of course I crave more, but not to the point where I need to pester him about it.
REAL VAMPIRES LOVE VAMPIRE RAVE
Vampire Rave is a member of
Page generated in 0.2668 seconds.
COMMENTS
-
XDemonicBitchX
06:09 Mar 29 2017
i know the feeling sweetie my mom went to the hospital for a normal check up cause she was not feeling good an hour after getting to the hospital she ended up on life support she never came out of it we had to remove her from it and that was in 2015..i will pray for your grandma
a big hug
NITEOWL47
14:53 Mar 29 2017
I've been there myself with my Dad...You need ANYTHING, don't hesitate to call. -hugs- You aren't alone. Love you.