08:24 Sep 21 2023
Times Read: 157
It's kinda fascinating to me talking to Cheshire about his issues, how they're eerily similar to Wolfie's, nearly the same age, but somehow they've grown into two completely different things. He doesn't mind when I pry into his brain about the differences between the two xD The main thing I think... Cheshire is very consistent. He's worked the same job for years, lived in the same place for years, worked on his music consistently, goes to therapy consistently, he's a very stable person. Which hasn't always been the case, he's had his fair share of instability, but he's worked tirelessly to make himself stable and consistent. He's also been single for... probably as long as I've known him which has been 8-9 years at least. He may have been in a relationship when we met, I can't really remember. But he's been unattached for the most part as long as I've known him. Which is crazy to me because I will admit he is very attractive, ok xD Although we haven't been on video chat since he's been back he still sends me pictures constantly, and he is like seriously hot vampire guy, fangs and all. But he's never in a relationship. And maybe it's good for him, maybe it helps him with his own stability because relationships can be very... taxing, I guess? So maybe Wolfie going off on his own isn't necessarily a bad thing, maybe it's good for him, maybe he doesn't need anyone. He always told that I was what kept him going, but... maybe that's not how it should be. You should want to keep going for yourself, not just for someone else. Cheshire says, "You can choose to master your fate or be completely destroyed by it." A wise kitty. But it's not always that easy. He did bring up something else that intrigued me. He, like Wolfie, also suffers from severe insomnia, but he tells me that his insomnia is mostly seasonal, trauma induced based on whatever season it is. And I think it was the same for Wolfie. Every Fall/Winter he'd usually isolate himself a lot, and the insomnia, and nightmares were worse for him during these periods. He always hated Christmas because of how his mother had treated him especially around the holidays... Cheshire has very similar experiences, and that's generally why we kinda lose touch because he'll pull away during certain time frames. Much as I hate that he also has horrific trauma, it does help seeing things from another perspective. Because it's hard with Wolfie when I love him so much to kinda be neutral about stuff, and see things from more of an intellectual side instead of emotional stance. It also helps because people have often times attempted to tell me there's no way Wolfie is that bad, he's faking, whatever. Like mental illness isn't real. Like people can't be that broken. They can. I think it's especially difficult for Wolfie because he not only has significant trauma, but I think there's some genetic stuff in there too. He told me the men in his family were all prone to deep depression, extreme moodswings, and isolation, and then he's got his major dopamine deficiency. So he's hit from all sides of this, he really was dealt an awful hand, and it's surprising he didn't have a complete psychotic break before. Cheshire tells me there's nothing I can do, just stand back, and hope he pulls himself together someday. It breaks my heart if he thinks I'm angry with him. I could justifiably be angry with a lot... but I'm not. I'm just worried all the time. He was always so afraid of hurting me. He'd run away to protect me from himself. Like a fucking werewolf, sometimes he'd just suddenly turn into... something that wasn't him anymore. I promised him no matter what we'd always find each other. But he's gone, and I can't find him because he doesn't want to be found. Maybe it is easier to be alone. Although somehow I'm much more emotionally exhausted now than I ever was when he was here😵💫
This is part of why it irritates me so fucking much when people either ask if I'm single or try to pursue me. I say this for your benefit... Fuck off. You do not want any of this xD This right here is a fucking mess that will destroy you.
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