The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,

"I have a headache."

"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,... it's up to you!"

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."



"Hmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.



Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"



"Absolutely not," he said.



"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."



"Season's more than half over," he said.

Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room.



"My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!"



"You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'



The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.



'Onions?'



'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'



This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'.



The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'



'A Christmas tree?'



'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'