Joli's Vampire Journal

Joli's Journal

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5 entries this month

← Feb 2009

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18:33 Mar 26 2009
Times Read: 794

O: I see that you have decided to invoke Divine Wrath against me :(

J: Oh yes...I have! I just wanted to help him with pinpoint accuracy

J: I am the eyeglasses of the LORD!

O: :(

O: Are you saying the Divine Vision is imperfect?

J: not if he pre-calculated me into His plan. microscope of the Lord...better?

J: global targeting system

O: I don't want to be washed away :( :(

J: he has a sense of humor... he's not "washing" you away

J: He's douching you away :)

J: douching your state all clean and fresh once again

J: I am the microscope of the lord and you are an itchy yeast infection

O: :( :( :( :( :(

COMMENTS

captainglobehead
18:53 Mar 26 2009

That's hysterical.

Ockham
20:47 Mar 26 2009

You're a mean one, Mrs Grinch,

You really are a heel,

You're as cuddly as a cactus,

You're as charming as an eel,

Mrs Griiiiinch!

:|

We Now Turn Our Hymn Books to, "Oh Lord, Smite the Non Believer And Bless My Lotto Number"
13:40 Mar 26 2009
Times Read: 815

Dear God,

I have attached a Google street map with this prayer request so that your aim on Ockham might be more accurate and perhaps the rest of the state might not have to wash away with him. I assume this is your intention since you forwarded no ark instructions.

Should he be undeservedly forgiven, please place the rainbow sign upon the nearest bunny butt. Thank you.

COMMENTS

Joli
13:47 Mar 26 2009

PS. I think the hail got his attention, but he's a tough cookie...I know you've already done frogs, but that was a pretty kicky plague. I think it might bring him round. If you could give me a little heads-up...I want to merchandise the "I survived the Ockham Plagues" tee shirt line! Kermit is onboard just in case and will perform a remake of his old theme just for Ockham called, "It ain't easy being mean."

FallenPixie
16:01 Mar 26 2009

LOL, I'll chip in for the shirts too! *runs to piggy bank*

Ockham
18:00 Mar 26 2009

I'll get you, Joli. And your little Sky-Douche, too. :|

Memories heeheehee
23:57 Mar 24 2009
Times Read: 889

J:I'm killing time before a meeting and I was reading back over some of the stuff we've said in the past. I'm peeing myself, laughing

O: awww

J: https://www.vampirerave.com/journal/journal_section.php?section=spells&journal=Joli&page=February%202008

J: choccies

J: oh god...so funny

O: hahah

O: OH! I got Irony to admit that some of our chocolate is really good! :D

O: And she admitted that Arby's is a million times better than any fast food in the UK

J: sweeeet

J: she thinks most of it tastes like dog treats :(

O: haha yeah

O: she really REALLY liked Arbys

O: enough that she asked me to take her there a second time

J: omg...and your comments about choking Stabb with chocolate and forcing him to say taco

J: I may die

O: hahaha

J: Ockham: "Say taco." 'Tacko.' *insert candybar into throat sideways*

Ockham: *gagging noises* "IT'S TACO, YOU BITCH. TAH. CO."

Stabb: "Gah-ghough.."

J: THAT is funny shit!

O: "I love how the drooling masses seem to think I care what they say about me or what they rate me. It's like a hit of schadenfreude every time I see some pretentious loser all butt-hurt over something little 'ol me has said.

As far as why I am not friendly? I was pretty sure I made that clear in my profile (perhaps an edit is in order to make it more obvious): I am here solely for Irony and Joli. I do not WANT to be, nor do I have any reason to be friendly to anyone else. I'm not breaking the terms of service, so really, other people here can choke on a penis, unto death.

I've gotta say, the schadenfreude so far has almost been worth signing up on it's own."

O: hahaha.

J: Stellar moments!

O: yes :D

J: People are flocking to my journal right now. I think they must be terribly disappointed. They thought by the opening lines that they would get a show...instead, I talked about being mature.

J: "choke on a penis, unto death." It has a ring to it.

O: It's one of my favorite me-isms

O: "You are awesome, and people taking offense over something written in someone else's journal can, and I mean this in the kindest possible way, drive off a cliff while choking on a cock, into a sea filled with idiot-eating sharks. :)"

O: that one was pretty decent too

J: you can turn a phrase with the best of them, sir

O: I can indeed. Spiteful words run through my very blood.

J: bonded to the hate molecules oxygenated in your lungs

O: hateoglobin

COMMENTS

birra
14:54 Mar 25 2009

Hateoglobin.

I like that. :)

Joli
15:54 Mar 25 2009

He always makes me smile.

Irony
04:48 Mar 26 2009

Arbys is SO damn good! I want to get a franchise of it in my town:D Also, Ockhams truffles are very very very good. I was eating one just now.

I miss America. I so need to go back again.

Ockham
04:48 Mar 26 2009

You do need to come back, on the permanent. :)

Irony
04:51 Mar 26 2009

But then I would be exposed to such things as sunlight and fresh air, and my skin would crisp into nothingness very quickly unless you filled a bathtub with moisturiser for me and blacked out the windows. My english skin is just not prepared for your daystar coverage:(

Ockham
04:57 Mar 26 2009

All things considered, you seemed to do pretty well last time, and if keeping a tub filled with fresh moisturizer is all the price I pay to have you here, I'd be getting the greatest deal in the history of bartering.

Irony
05:00 Mar 26 2009

Aww, so you would be prepared to turn a part of your house into a kind of englishwomanarium? Do you think your country is able to take any more of my anomalous weather retardfield action though? I swear, after this roadtrip, I feel like some kind of natural disaster on two legs:P

Ockham
05:02 Mar 26 2009

If anything, having you here would be a shield against natural disaster. I'll note that the Douche in the Sky didn't move his hand against me until you had left; within an hour of your departure, he struck. Clearly, I am not safe without you :(

Irony
05:06 Mar 26 2009

Are you saying that it is my responsibility as a human being to move to America in order to fend of all natural disasters that crop up when I am not present? I should ponder this. I wonder if I could get paid a retainer by the government for such a service. I am still quite stunned that it was only half an hour after I left that this all started.

Ockham
05:07 Mar 26 2009

It is indeed. With great power comes great responsibility, and movie cameos. I'm sure we can write some of those into your contract.

Irony
05:10 Mar 26 2009

Hey, the deal is SO off if I end up getting a spiderman emo clause somewhere in there. Just because I am an all powerful weather warper does not mean I have to spend hours soliloquising about how nobody understands me.

Ockham
05:12 Mar 26 2009

We'll have to have emos in there somehow. You could probably arrange to have them hit by divine lightning, though. CRAWWWWWWLING INNNNN MY SKIIIIII- *thunder, silence*

Irony
05:13 Mar 26 2009

This is acceptable to me. Have your people draw up the contracts:P

Ockham
05:13 Mar 26 2009

Consider it done. :)

The Meatball Show
17:56 Mar 15 2009
Times Read: 956

So, here's the guy you all want to see. Lots of you have asked after him, wondering how well recovered he is since his accident last year. We were having a freezer put in at the Center, so he came along with me to work yesterday. Here he is mugging for the camera:

One of the workmen brought along his dog, Sunny. This is the meet n greet with a little posturing to see who's Alpha Male. Kinda looks like a couple of guys getting ready to armwrestle or pop wheelies in front of a girl, doesn't it?:

They frolicked like this the whole time.

A few kisses because new friends rock!

COMMENTS

STABB666
18:24 Mar 15 2009

Dude...You're dog is so gay!

He's like, making out with that other dog dude...

That's gay. You know it is. He's gay. He's a gay dog. Wearing a neckerchief.

You're dog is gay and wearing a neckercheif while making out with another gay dog.

Dude...you could sell this...

Joli
18:25 Mar 15 2009

He's not gay...he's British! :P

Stikki
18:32 Mar 15 2009

same thing right? Oh god don't take that seriously!!

Your dog is frikkin' cute!!

FallenPixie
18:50 Mar 15 2009

Uh-huh, and what exactly would be wrong if he was gay?? *raises and eyebrow with a hint of a smirk*

They're unbearably adorable Jo, don't let anyone tell you any different ;-)