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9 entries this month
13:44 Oct 31 2010
Times Read: 1,061
About a week ago, we bought halloween-wrapped bags of pretzels and mini chocolate bars to give out to the trick-or-treaters. Stabb has a serious chocolate addiction, and while I'm not accusin' or nuthin...I noticed yesterday that all the pretzel bags seem to have risen to the top of the bowl and there's a fist sized hole leading to a vertical hollow tunnel through the pretzel stratus and all the way to the bottom...as though some sort of mysterious night drilling has been taking place in our bowl. Curiouser and curiouser.
18:38 Oct 28 2010
Times Read: 1,092
Puns For the Educated Mind.
These were sent to me in an email and I liked them so much, I thought I'd share. My lovely hubby is the king of puns, making my daughter and me groan daily. We need to keep these out of his hands lest he use them for evil.
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
22:43 Oct 26 2010
Times Read: 1,128
What is the scariest movie ever made?
Great night06:46 Oct 14 2010
Times Read: 1,150
It was great. Not as scary as last year, but still pretty good. The best part is hanging out with Erin. When my sister and I are together, we laugh so much that it doesn't seem survivable.
Highlights of the night:
When we stopped for beignets and the lid came off the powdered sugar and made a huge pile on the table while we were doing Fr. Guido Sarducci impressions.
Our waiter who was the poster boy for social awkwardness. I have never heard anything less confidently spoken than when the words, "have a good one" came out of his mouth. We think he should have just spoken in his native Klingon tongue. A simple "Kaplah" would have been sufficient.
Singing Vanilla Ice while driving on the Causeway.
Teasing STABB on the way out. We want to dress him like Dr. Frank N. Furter, so we sang Rocky tunes to him as we left. One day...one day...
03:05 Oct 14 2010
Times Read: 1,165
Going to the Mortuary. Prepared to pee my pants!
23:28 Oct 12 2010
Times Read: 1,186
Sometimes my connections are slow coming. Last year I did the novel, "Brave New World." It's about the flaws of a utopian society. My fourteen year old daughter was intrigued and decided to read it.
We talked a little about it and then about Fordlandia (remember that from a recent journal gem?
Anyway, I'm sleeping last night and one of the characters from Brave New World comes to mind, Lenina Crowne. I woke and the name was bugging me a little all day. While driving, it hits me...Lenina Huxley! Remember her from the movie, "Demolition Man?" (God, I love that dumb old movie!)
Then I go, DUH! Lenina HUXLEY?! The author of Brave New World is Alduous Huxley! They made an allusion to the book in their own version of Utopia. But then my brain went...."Woah! LENINA? That's the feminine of Lenin."
So, you scholarly creators of coolness...I got there. It took me a while, but I got there in the end!
23:51 Oct 05 2010
Times Read: 1,221
Sitting in New Orleans near the river, waiting for my pumpkin to get done with her performing arts school. The drive across the 24 mile long Causeway was particularly hairy because of all the huge butterflies. I so don't want to hit them.
I'm yelling as they keep getting in front of my windshield, "Oh 6od, it's like a video game! They're everywhere!"
The sound they make when they hit the car is impossibly loud. It causes me to gag until tears are sliding down my cheeks.
Meanwhile, my kid is laughing uncontrollably and choking out statements like, "Lookout, mom! Suicide butterfly! ...Very helpful.
But my precious Morri has sent me a Persian love song to listen to while the river breezes play with my hair. And for a little while, I can forget the battlefield I have to drive back through.
I love you, Morri.
01:18 Oct 05 2010
Times Read: 1,234
By the way...just for the record...
I KICKED THIS DAY'S BUTT!!
Pillow Talk21:41 Oct 03 2010
Times Read: 1,269
Me: So, do you think that a man could get an erection if his balls were cut off
Him: I refuse to participate in this discussion at this time.
(bit of a quiet pause)
Me: They're poorly designed, though. You have to agree.
Him: What?
Me: Balls.
Him: I don't think so.
Me: Come on. They're external and an obvious source of great vulnerability.
Him: They're perfect where they are.
Me: It's just a matter of plumbing, really. It could be done so much more efficiently.
Him: What about cooling?
Me: hmmm...
(Bit of a quiet pause)
Me: I've got it!
Him: What?
Me: Well...you know how you're always inventing things?
Him: yeah
Me: Well, you could invent a breathable kind of armor for the balls!
Him: It's called the cup.
Me: Oh.
*push on his tummy*
Him: I don't have to pee...I have to fart, though.
Me: *leaping out of bed and dashing for the bathroom* OK, I'm up!
Him: So, there ARE limits to your love.
Me: There are no limits to my love. There are limits to the proximity of my love.
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