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shadowedvampirerose's Journal


shadowedvampirerose's Journal

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8 entries this month
 

Stick of Dynamite

17:18 May 19 2009
Times Read: 705


A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!


COMMENTS

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Theban
Theban
13:46 Jun 04 2009

Lol, that's a good one.





 

Beer thief

17:17 May 19 2009
Times Read: 706



COMMENTS

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How to have fun with junk mail

22:07 May 14 2009
Times Read: 758


After I bring the mail in, I open all the advertising and look for the ones with the return envelopes. Ya know, the ones that are business reply with the postage already paid. I always return those envelopes, sometimes even with the same things they sent to me in them. Sometimes I just mix up the contents trying to give whoever opens them a chuckle. And I do all this because it costs the company money, about 3 times regular postage, to get these pieces back. So I am still helping out, the economy, and the good old post office. Lord knows they need help of some kind."



Well- I had a wonderful idea and it is a little evil too lol. I realized what fun junk mail can become!!! I just sent Better Homes and Garden something back from Visa (nothing with my name on it, just some junk insert). I can't wait to get more junk mail now! If it comes with a prepaid return envelope, watch out, it's coming back to you, maybe empty, maybe not. Who knows?

Also, those tear outs in magazines to get other magazines. I"m now filling out in the following manner:

Name: Tasmanian Devil

Address: 123 NoWhere Street

City: NoWhere, State: NW Zip 00001



Then I thought of yet another idea. Why not advertise your own message. Like "send our trrops back home" or "Bush is the Anti-christ". I think I like this new method even better.

I need a new hobby. But for now, this is causing this crazy person some minor fun. Sometimes, it's the little things in life that make us happy.


COMMENTS

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Corporate humor (bad language)

22:06 May 14 2009
Times Read: 758


Memorandum



It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.



PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late.

OLD: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?



PREFERRED: I'm certain that is not feasible.

OLD: No fucking way.



PREFERRED: Really?

OLD: You've got to be shitting me.



PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with...

OLD: Tell someone who gives a shit.



PREFERRED: Of course I'm concerned.

OLD: Ask me if I give a shit.



PREFERRED: I wasn't involved in that project.

OLD: Its not my fucking problem.



PREFERRED: That's interesting behavior.

OLD: What the fuck?!



PREFERRED: I'm not sure I can implement this.

OLD: Fuck it, it won't work.



PREFERRED: I'll try to schedule that.

OLD: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner.



PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem.

OLD: Who the fuck cares.



PREFERRED: He's not familiar with the problem.

OLD: He's got his head up his ass.



PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?

OLD: Eat shit and die motherfucker.



PREFERRED: So you weren't happy with it?

OLD: Kiss my ass!



PREFERRED: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.

OLD: Fuck it, I'm on salary.



PREFERRED: I don't think you understand.

OLD: Shove it up your ass.



PREFERRED: I love a challenge.

OLD: This job sucks.



PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?

OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss.



PREFERRED: I see.

OLD: Blow me.



PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it.

OLD: Another fucking meeting!



PREFERRED: I don't think this will be a problem.

OLD: I really don't give a shit.



PREFERRED: He's somewhat insensitive.

OLD: He's a fucking prick.



PREFERRED: She's an aggressive go getter

OLD: She's a ball busting bitch.



PREFERRED: I think you could use more training

OLD: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.


COMMENTS

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Oh my God! There's an axe in my head!

22:04 May 14 2009
Times Read: 758


There are some things that every traveller (or hitchhiker) should know. For example, what would you do in a foreign country if someone put an axe in your head? You'd need to know how to communicate this fact to the local people so they could help. So, for the betterment of all those on Blogger, I present a list of the phrase "Oh my God! There's an axe in my head!" translated into various languages. Keep this handy reference guide!



Afrikaans: O God! Daar's 'n byl in my kop!

Alsatian: Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf!

Ancient Greek: O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!

Assyrian: iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu

Babylonian: iliya pashu ina reshiya bashu

Bengali: Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor bash poreche.

Bosnian: boje moj! sjekira mi je u glavi.

Danish: Åh min Gud! Der er en økse i mit hovede.

Dutch: O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.

English: Oh my god! There's an axe in my head.

Esperanto: Mia Dio! Hakilo estas en mia kapo!

French: Mon dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tête.

Finnish: Voi Luoja! Paassani on kirves!

German: Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf!

Greek: hristo mou! eho ena tscecouri sto kefali mou!

Hebrew: Eloi! Yesh'li ca-sheel ba-rosh sheh-li!

Hindi: Hay Bhagwaan! Mere sar mein kulhaadi hain.

Hungarian: Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!!

Icelandic: Gud minn godur! Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu a mer.

Irish: Mo Dhia! Ta' tua sa mo cheann.

Italian: Dio mio! C'è un' ascia nella mia testa!

Japanese: aa, kamisama! (watashi no) atama ni ono ga arimasu.

Note: The "watashi no" wouldn''t usually be said explicitly.

Klingon: ghay'cha'! nachwIjDaq betleH tu'lu'!

Latin: Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.

Malay: Alamak! Terdapat kapak dalam kepala saya!

Malayalam: Entey Deiwame, entey thalayil oru kodali undei.

Mandarin Chinese: laotian a! Wo de tou li you yi ge fuzi a!

Maori: Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!

Marathi: Aray Devaa! Majhyaa dokyaat kurhaad aahay.

Middle Egyptian: in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!

Norwegian: Herre Gud! Jeg har en xks i hodet!

Polish: O Moj Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!

Portuguese: Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeça!

Romanian: Dumnezeule, am un topor în creier!

Russian: Bozhe moi! Eto topor v moyei golove!

Slovenian: Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi.

Spanish: !Dios mio! !Hay una hacha en mi cabeza!

Swahili: Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil!

Swedish: Åh, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!

Tagalog: Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!

Visigothic: Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds meina haubida

Welsh: A nuw! Mae bywell yn fy mhen i!


COMMENTS

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PSYCHOLOGY HUMOR-LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE.

21:59 May 14 2009
Times Read: 759


The Psychiatric Hotline



Hello. Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.



If you are obsessisive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.



If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.



If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.



If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.



If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully. A little voice will tell you which number to push.



If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press--no one will answer.



If you are manic-depressive, please press 7 as fast as you can for the next 24 hours, and then crash for the following 24 hours.



Thank you for calling the mental health phone line.



What is Normal?



Diagnosis criteria for NPD: Normal Person Disorder



1. A chronic feeling of normalness.

2. A tendency to bore others easily.

3. A nagging sense of constantly meeting one's goal.

4. Lack of difficulty getting organized.

5. Inability to be humorous

6. Knowing how to count without forgetting what number you are up to.

7. An inability to be creative and intuitive, no seat of pants to fly by.

8. Highly stimulated by lectures, speeches, dead cockroaches and other normals

9. An unbroken remote control.

10. A To-Do list which gets done

11. A chronic interest in each or any of the following for more than one week:

a. Job

b. Relationship

c. Schedule

d. Patience

e. Passing grades

f. Sex

g. Normals

12. A methodical nature

13. Affectionately known as "Bump on a log" or "Nytol Substitute"



By Marvin Wilson



The Top Seven Ways to Get Dr._________To Have You Committed



1. Ask him to explain object relations theory in 25 words or less



2. One word: Flirt



3. "Do you ever hear voices that other people don't hear?"



4. Take a large handful of xanax; ask if he wanted one



5. "So what do YOU do when you feel uncontrollable rage?"



6. Tell him your hourly rates; ask if he knows about his insurance coverage



7. Speak entirely in movie quotes



Thoughts....



If someone with multiple personality disorder tries to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?



Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they are doing "practice?"



I'm only paranoid because everyone is out to get me.



Two analysts pass each other in the hall. One says "Hello." The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that?



Schizophrenia beats being alone...



Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.



Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.



I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.



I used to be indesicive. Now I'm not sure.



Hypochondria is the only illness I don't have.



Psychiatrist to his nurse...Just say were very busy, don't keep saying "It's a madhouse."



Nueroticcs build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them, psychiatrists collect rent.



Jokes...



A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half!?" The doctor enquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself!" Patient #1 replies, "What?! And work in the dark?!"



- Thanks to P. Hodgson (aka Cyber Sally)

- From the Psychology Humor Page by Eric M. Baim



***



Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.



***



Secretary to psychologist: "Doctor, there is a patient here who thinks he is invisible."

Psycologist: "Tell him I can't see him right now"

***



There are three guys going through an exit interview at a mental hospital. The doctor says he can release them if they can answer the simple mathematical problem: What is 8 times 5?

The first patient says, "139."

The second one says, "Wednesday."

The third says, "What a stupid question. It's obvious: The answer is 40."

The doctor is delighted. He gives the guy his release. As the man is leaving, the doctor asks how he came up with the correct answer so quickly.

"It was easy, Doc. I just divided Wednesday into 139."



***



What is the difference betweeen a phycchiatrist and a psychologist?

If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother", he will ask why do you say that? While a psychologist will say,"Thank you for sharing that."





Is Santa Suffering from Mysterious Mental Impairment?



"Quite Likely," says Noted Psychiatric Researcher



Santa's unusual behavior this year, may be a side effect of a recently diagnosed form of mental impairment unique only to individuals living in polar regions.The illness just recently recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), is known as "Polar Bipolar Disorder," an offshoot of the more common "Bipolar Disorder."(had this newly discovered ailment been known in the past, it would have been known as "Top of the Earth Manic-Depression)



Accordiing to researcher Dr. Laura Meehan of the Samuel Horwitz Institute for Mental Heath Research in Chicago, this is actually a combination of regular bipolar disorder, charaterized by chronic mood swings and the more recently publicized seasonal depression, caused by winters longer periods of darkness. "The problem here for Santa," said Dr. Meehan, "Is that it's pretty dark right now in Alaska, can you imagine what it's like in the North Pole. Santa has a mood swing problem to begin with, further enhanced by being in the dark right now, his busy season."



According to startling research done by Dr. Meehan and her team of researchers this may explain alot. After interviewing 1000 individuals in their 40's who voluntered for this project, 998 of them had disappointing Christmas's the exact same years. Dr Meehan states "Sometimes Santa's down mood ends before Christmas Eve, sometimes it doesn't. Remember how some Christmas's you had your heart set on a certain toy, but instead got clothes? Our research shows Santa was likely in a real blue funk that Christmas . In fact, I myself compared my most disappointing Christmas as a child with the statements of our volunteers and found that very year, 1959, was one of Santa's worst! I had written Santa asking for a pony and got pajama's. The fact that he didn't bring me that pony may have been caused by his being quite depressed. Or perhaps it was because I grew up in Manhattan."



Experts in the medical community say they are quite optimistic that with proper maintenance drugs, Santa'a problem, after centuries of suffering, will be under control. This means starting next Christmas, no child will ever find a pair of pajamas under the tree again. Santa is scheduled to meet with Dr. Meehan January 5th for an initial consultation.


COMMENTS

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Ways to keep your sanity

21:38 May 14 2009
Times Read: 769


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.



2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.



3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.



4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."



5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.



6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"



7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."



8 . Don't use any punctuation



9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.



10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.



11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."



12. Sing Along At The Opera.



13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?



14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.



15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.



16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.



17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"



18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"



19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."


COMMENTS

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Meaning of Life Answered

20:11 May 14 2009
Times Read: 796


Everyone is searching for the answer to the meaning of life, and the religions of the world have the answer - but each words it just a little bit differently.



From Katinka Hesslink.Net - According to various religions and spiritual philosophies, the great mystery in life is Shit Happens:



TAOISM: Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, “Shit happens”.

ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)

JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?

ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.

COMMUNISM. Equal shit happens to all people.

CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.

SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you’re on our shit list.

ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.

UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let’s have coffee and donuts.

RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

MYSTICISM: What weird shit!

AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?

ATHEISM: I don’t believe this shit!

NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?

AZTEC: Cut out this shit!

QUAKER: Let’s not fight over this shit.

FORTEANISM: No shit??

12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.

VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!

NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.

DEISM: Shit just happens.

EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn’t happen; shit is.

SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.

BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.

SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.

HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.

WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!

HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.

THEOSOPHY: You don’t know half of the shit that happens.

DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.

JEHOVAH’s WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.

MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.

HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.

BAHA’I: It’s all the same shit.

STOICISM: This shit is good for me.

OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.

EST: If my shit bothers you, that’s your fault.

REAGANISM: Don’t move; the shit will trickle down.

FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.

CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.

EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.

DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let’s smoke this shit.

CHARISMATIC: This is not shit and it doesn’t smell bad.

MASONIC: Shit happens, but we can’t discuss it during Lodge.

RED CROSS: Shit happens - send money.

WICCA - As you shit on others, so shall you be shit upon threefold.


COMMENTS

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