One Hour Of Vulnerability22:40 May 13 2009
Times Read: 860
Life never turns out the way you expect it and planning ahead is sometimes a great way to get yourself disappointed.
I trully learned the meaning of the statement in the last week. In recent history, my life has been going from bad to worse - The only other time I recall everything being so unbalanced is when I was sixteen.
It was the beginning November and I was a freshman. I was majoring in western philosophy hoping that would lead me to psychology. At the time I was dealing with a psychotic girlfriend, dealing with my parents failing marriage which is still probably being mended up to this day, dealing with my band and its problems, dealing with everyone else's problems and a shitty job - flipping burgers just to top things off.
In other words I was quickly racing to an inevitable breakdown!
One night after martial arts practice, I walk in the front door - Tired, sweaty and hungry and I hear my dad yelling at mom. I went over tried to calm him down which made matters worse. From an argument about finances which consisted off him telling her off even though she's the one who supports him and never spends a cent for herself, the blame turned on me.
He turned around and said ''We're arguing because of you and your attitude, you're not even part of this family anymore! ''
All hell broke loose after that. Like a can of spilled-over gasoline waiting to light up, I blew up.
What came out of my mouth next would make my cops blush. I remember yelling obscenities at him while crying and begging for him to hit me.
He didn't. I wasn't five anymore.
Once the yelling stopped I packed a suitcase full of clothes, underwear, personal care products, cds, batteries, alcohol and kissed my mom goodbye.
I didn't know where I was going, what I was going to do... All I knew is that I wanted to get away from all that shit. I became that cliche' runaway but nothings a cliche' when it's happening to you. and no one was chasing after me.
Sobbing on a ledge looking over an industrial area is the first and last time I seriously considered suicide. But I knew that it wasn't my time and I didn't want my dad, people who didn't like me and everyone who wished me harm to win.
So I called one of the only people I trusted - My guitarist, Daniel - A blond metal head with a goatee, a beer-belly and a warm heart even though he's been beat up on his whole life before he met me.
''I just walked out, had a fight with daddy, I'm tired and I want to jump! '' He asked me where I was an in fifteen minutes he picked me up and took me to his place. Even though his dad was a porn-freak
whom we caught masturbating to big breasted black women on Daniel's computer and found various vibrators and butt plugs in his room one day, he appeared normal and welcoming.
I spent two weeks there and seeing his family semi-united hurt a bit and made me feel even more lost however I was happy for Daniel. After being forced out by his sexually frustrated monster of a dad I chose to move in with my girlfriend's family.
The last place you want to be in when it seemed like the world's falling apart is at my girlfriend's place which was a fabulous house thanks to her workaholic father and a bi - polar for a mom who spent his hard earned wages in jewelry. I survived a grand total of two days in that place before her mom caught her daughter fucking me in the middle of the night.
Tired, frustrated and disappointed I stood on the sidewalk trying to figure out my next step. I saw all my dreams flush down a toilet. There was no one else to turn to and I was trully alone for the first time in my life.
Fast-forward eight years and I found myself in a similar position. It seems like i'm just wandering through life right now, indulging myself into my work however the more time that passes, the more it's all eating me away seemingly turning me into the shell I use to be...
COMMENTS
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DarkAngelsCurse
22:37 Jun 14 2009
WOW!!!! I'm like totally speechless. And here I am thinking my life has fallen into a crisis that s nothing compared to this.. You have a strong will.. I admire you for that..
NonMortusEst69
00:49 Jun 15 2009
Thanks babe.