Lately
19:51 Apr 25 2009
Times Read: 620
So, lately I've had so much on my mind;; it's crazy. I told my bf [[bJ]] about my uhm, bad habit..... I told about my cutting, and he thinks I'm crazy. He says he loves me, and he accepts every part of me..... but he thinks I'm crazy. He didn't say so, but I know he does. He's been treating me different since I told him. Like I'm a scared puppy and he doesn't want to startle me.... idk.... He keeps telling me it's retarted, but he just doesn't understand;; he's not even trying to understand. Maybe if he's been through some of the shit I have, he would understand. But I would never wish that onto him, ever. w/e.... idk....
Other than that;; everything. I found out one of my best friends started cutting a couple weeks ago. She told me yesterday she got the idea from me. I FELT SOOO HORRIBLE........ I didn't know what to say, what to do....
Shit has been so bad lately.... its everything.... At school, everyone want to judge me. I'm the president or whatever, and all my teachers are always saying, "Lead by example, your peers look up to you." But that's so far from the truth. It sucks.... I mean, no one REALLY cares if I pass or fail, no one REALLY cares if I cut class, skip school, or anything, no one REALLY cares if I walk out of the school and get shot, but the second I start fucking up, or just mess around even, they jump on me.... I'm supposed to be like a prophet or some shit, but no one takes a second to stop and take a walk in my shoes....
&&in softball........ shit is just..... grrrr.... My coach expects me to do everything. If I stike out, she takes me out of the game, knowing good and damn well I deserve to be out there. She always says "Your my best hitter, the team looks up to you. If you can't hit it, your teammates assume they never will." BUT THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM!!! I can't promise you I'll always get a hit, but I can promise you I will always try. But that's not good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough. &&my position is 3rd base, but my coach says I'm not good enough for it. She puts me at 2nd base every once in a while, but if I make one error, I'm out. The rest of the team can fumble the ball araound all day, but she says "At least they're trying." But when I'm "just trying" it's a different story. She has higher expectations for me, and I don't know why. I'm not the best player on the team. I'm average, at best. But she doesn't see things that way.......
I'm always hearing "I expected more from you." I hear that every day. I don't want anyone to expect anything from me;; ever.
&&at home.... I don't even want to get stared about shit at home. I get no support, at all. I mean, GOOD GOD I'm only 15. I'm trying to learn to better myself. I have no clue why everyone expects me to already be the best. It's just, not fair............
idk;; lately, I've just had a lot on my mind....
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