The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

**Giggles**
00:24 Apr 30 2010
Times Read: 798

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, 'How's the girlfriend?'

Pinocchio replied, 'Who needs a girlfriend?'

_____________________________________________





LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, 'Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!'

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, 'No, you're not.



You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book.'

____________________________________________





MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, 'You say here that your wife is crazy.'

Mickey replied, 'I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy..'



_______________________________________



SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, 'Lie to me! Lie to me!'

_______________________________________





Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.

_______________________________________

**Chortle**
21:55 Apr 29 2010
Times Read: 805

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

husband stalking around with a fly swatter



"What are you doing?"

She asked.



"Hunting Flies"

He responded.



"Oh! Killing any?"

She asked.



"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"



He responded,

"3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone."

**Guffaw**
23:55 Apr 28 2010
Times Read: 823

A blonde got home from work early & heard strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushed upstairs only to find her husband lying naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asked.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cried the husband.

The blonde rushed downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she was dialling, her four-year-old son came up and said,

"Mummy, mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she got no clothes on"

The blonde slammed the phone down and stormed back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her writhing husband, ripped open the wardrobe door and there was her sister, totally naked, cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screamed.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

**Giggles**
23:37 Apr 28 2010
Times Read: 828

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.







Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.







He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.







When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.







When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.







Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"







The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.







You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."







After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the Exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

**Guffaw**
00:17 Apr 27 2010
Times Read: 835

THE CRUISE



DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE



All packed for the cruise ship - all my best dresses and make-up.

Really excited.



DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO



Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins.

Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.



DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE



At the pool today.

Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck.

Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.

Felt honoured and had a wonderful time.

He is very attractive and attentive.



DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR



Won £800.00 in the ship's casino.

Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.

Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.

He asked me to stay the night but I declined.

Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.



DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE



Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day.

Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is charming.

Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.

Again I declined.

He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.

I was shocked.



DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

Saved 1600 lives today - twice.

**Grins**
13:27 Apr 25 2010
Times Read: 839

The Buttocks



A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before!

All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.



How can I possibly repay you?'



'My darling,' she replied, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek...'

**Snrk**
14:55 Apr 21 2010
Times Read: 852

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'



The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'





And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'



'Can you give us an example?'



'Thou shall not kill.'



'Not kill? We're not interested.'



So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'



The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.'



'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.







We're not interested.'



Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'



The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'



'Not steal? We're not interested.'



Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'



The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'



'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'



Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.'



'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'



'They're free.'



'We'll take 10.'



There, that should offend just about everybody.

**Smrk**
00:22 Apr 21 2010
Times Read: 855

The scent of freshness:



A new supermarket opened in Double Bay , Sydney Australia



It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.



Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.



When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.



In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and bratwurst.



In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped John Smith's beer.



When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.



The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread & cakes.



I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

**Chortle**
23:27 Apr 19 2010
Times Read: 866

A primary-school teacher asked her young students to name things that ended with 'tor' and that ate things.







A little girl stood up and said, "Alligator." "Very good, that's correct." applauded the teacher.







Another little girl then stood and offered, "Predator." "Excellent..." the teacher replied "...well done."







Little Johnny then jumped to his feet and yelled, "Vibrator..."







After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher said, "That's certainly a word ending with 'tor', but it doesn't eat anything."







"Well..." Little Johnny answered, "...my sister has one and she says it fucking eats batteries like there's no tomorrow !"

**Chortle**
00:54 Apr 19 2010
Times Read: 879

A first-grade teacher, Ms Anna (Age 22 ) was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked the boy, 'what is your problem?' The boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade.



My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is, I think I should be in the third-grade too!'



Ms Anna had enough.

She took the boy to the principal's office.

While the boy waited at the reception of the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.



The principal told Ms Anna he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions.

He was to go back to the first-grade and behave.



The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.



Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Boy: '9'.



Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Boy: '36'.



So it went with every question, the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Anna and tells her, 'I think this Boy can go to the third-grade.’



Ms Anna says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions, can I ask him?' The principal and Boy both agreed.



Ms Anna asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two?

Boy: after a moment 'Legs.'



Ms Anna: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

Boy: 'Pockets.'



Ms Anna: 'What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid'?

Boy: 'Coconut'



Ms Anna: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky'?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.

Boy: 'Bubblegum'



Ms Anna: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs'?

The principal's eyes open really wide again and before he could stop the answer..

Boy: 'Shake hands'



Ms Anna: 'Now, I will ask some who am I sort of questions, ok?'

Boy: 'Yep.'



Ms Anna: 'You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.'

Boy: 'A tent'



Ms Anna: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense He took one large Vodka peg.

Boy: 'Wedding Ring'



Ms Anna: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose



Ms Anna: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow



Ms Anna: What starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Fire truck



Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you don't get it you have to use your hand.

Boy: Fork



Ms Anna: What is it that all men have one of. It's longer on some men than on others, the pope does not use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they are married?

Boy: Surname



Ms Anna: What part of the man has no bones but has muscles, lots of veins and loves pumping?

Boy: 'Heart'



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher 'Send this boy to Stanford University, I myself got all the answers wrong'.

**Giggle**
00:18 Apr 18 2010
Times Read: 891

Password











A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and, at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password.. Something he could remember easily and would use each time he had to log on.





The husband was a bit bored by the process and, feeling in a rather amorous mood, figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he paused for effect, then letter by letter, with his wife watching over his shoulder, he keyed in



......



















P











E









N







I









S



















His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:





PASSWORD REJECTED.........



NOT LONG ENOUGH

**Chortle**
01:40 Apr 17 2010
Times Read: 896




Wife: 'What are you doing?'



Husband: Nothing.



Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'



Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'



-------------------------------



Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'



Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'



Wife: 'Yes or no.'



____________________



Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'



Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'



Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'



Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'



--------------------------------------------------------



Stress Reliever



Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'



Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'



Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'



------------------------------



Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'



Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'



Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'



________________________________



A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'



'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'



------------------------------------------------------------



Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.



The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'



-------------------------------



A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'



He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------







Husbands are husbands



A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Sally on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Sally was the name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

**Giggles**
23:44 Apr 15 2010
Times Read: 911

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.



At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.



At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.



Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'



The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'



Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

**Chuckle**
16:55 Apr 13 2010
Times Read: 921

A first-grade teacher, Ms Anna (Age 22 ) was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked the boy, 'what is your problem?' The boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade.



My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is, I think I should be in the third-grade too!'



Ms Anna had enough.



She took the boy to the principal's office.

While the boy waited at the reception of the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.



The principal told Ms Anna he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions.

He was to go back to the first-grade and behave.





The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.



Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Boy: '9'.





Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Boy: '36'.



So it went with every question, the principal thought a third-grade should know.



The principal looks at Ms Anna and tells her, 'I think this Boy can go to the third-grade.’



Ms Anna says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions, can I ask him?' The principal and Boy both agreed.







Ms Anna asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two?

Boy: after a moment 'Legs.'



Ms Anna: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

Boy: 'Pockets.'



Ms Anna: 'What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid'?

Boy: 'Coconut'



Ms Anna: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky'?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.

Boy: 'Bubblegum'



Ms Anna: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs'?

The principal's eyes open really wide again and before he could stop the answer..

Boy: 'Shake hands'



Ms Anna: 'Now, I will ask some who am I sort of questions, ok?'

Boy: 'Yep.'



Ms Anna: 'You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.'

Boy: 'A tent'



Ms Anna: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense He took one large Vodka peg.

Boy: 'Wedding Ring'



Ms Anna: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose



Ms Anna: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow



Ms Anna: What starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Fire truck



Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you don't get it you have to use your hand.

Boy: Fork



Ms Anna: What is it that all men have one of. It's longer on some men than on others, the pope does not use his, and a man gives it to his wife after they are married?

Boy: Surname



Ms Anna: What part of the man has no bones but has muscles, lots of veins and loves pumping?

Boy: 'Heart'



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher 'Send this boy to Stanford University, I myself got all the answers wrong'.

**Giggles**
01:26 Apr 12 2010
Times Read: 926

Women are chatting in office.



Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?



Woman 2: Yes.



Woman 1: Was it good?



Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?



Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner.



After dinner we walked for an hour.



When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.



We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour.



It was like a fairytale!



At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.



Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?



Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep.



It was great!



What about you?



Husband 1: It was horrible.



I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab.



We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour.



After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

**Snarf!**
01:30 Apr 11 2010
Times Read: 931

A man walks into a bar.................

........and notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"



"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."



The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"



"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."



So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.



"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.

You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.

You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!

You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."



As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"



He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!



Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.

Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!



Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.

His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

**GUFFAW**
00:20 Apr 10 2010
Times Read: 936

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.



"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"



She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."



"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"



"We use it for sex," she said.



The researcher was a little taken aback.



"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"



The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the bedroom outside doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

**Cackle**
01:16 Apr 09 2010
Times Read: 949

Fred and Larry got married in California .

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

**Guffaw**
17:07 Apr 08 2010
Times Read: 956

Dave was watching a football game on TV and kept switching channels to a XXX movie featuring a lusty couple.



"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.



"For heaven's sake, watch the couple," his wife said.



"You already know how to play football!"

**Titter**
16:17 Apr 08 2010
Times Read: 960

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.



Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.



It was fascinating.'



The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.



Sally raised her hand.



She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'



The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'



Little Johnny raised his hand.



The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.



She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.



Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'



The teacher sat down and cried.............

**Groans**
02:04 Apr 08 2010
Times Read: 962

A Rich Saudi went to Germany to "study".

A month later he sends a letter to his dad in Riyadh saying:

" Berlin is wonderful people are nice and I really like it here but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my Gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million Euro cheque saying:

"Stop embarrassing us go and get yourself a train too.

**Chortle**
01:12 Apr 07 2010
Times Read: 970

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left – phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick, "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

Sparrow



Thrush



Magpie



Cuckoo



"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, ''so I'll use the last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."



Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple: It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"YES!!!!!!!!!"

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long – long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

**Titter**
20:51 Apr 05 2010
Times Read: 990

WHY MARRY?



You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,

or get married and wish you were dead.

__________





At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'





__________





A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

'Husband Wanted'.

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

'You can have mine.'

__________



When a woman steals your husband,

there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________





A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

__________



A little boy asked his father,

'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'

Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

__________



A young son asked,

'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa

a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

__________





Then there was a woman who said,

'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,

and by then, it was too late.'

__________





Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

__________



If you want your spouse to listen and

pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.



_________



Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________



First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'

Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

__________





'A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

__________



AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!



Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.



So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'



The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

’The Condemned’
00:49 Apr 05 2010
Times Read: 993

’The Condemned’ is a good film.



I told her.



I have ‘The Condemned’ on one of my hard drives; I like the summing up at the end by the female interviewer.



She joined in.



I noticed the gratuitous rape scene and the shocked blonde; and the overt gun and injury to Steve Austin, all very well done; I like the shooting of the geek.



I told her.



I tend to ignore the rape scene. But besides that I do enjoy it, guess I'm kinda immune to violent films.



She informed me.



The rape scene worked for me because of the reaction; and, because it was almost obligatory.. ah, I meant the first, not the second. that was just distasteful and I'm glad we weren't 'treated' to the rest.



I assured her.



The first one? I just tend to block out the one with Vinny Jones, yes it went with the character he was playing, but to be honest if the rest of the film wasn't interesting to watch it would have been switched off at that point.



She said to me



I liked the black girl doin as she did; reminded me of 'I spit on your grave.'

Have you seen 'Dread'??

Watch it, see if you're immune to that..



[[I like Clive Barker.. after all, Midean was the graveyard in Wallasey.]]



I told her.



Really, I thought it was based on the old Jewish cemetary in Liverpool. The one by Liscard Village is pretty though, used to spend a lot of time there when I was at Art Collage.



I haven't seen I Spit On Your Grave for years, probably round about the last time I saw a Russ Mires film and the old sex-ploitation cannibal films. {Laughs}

Dread doesn't ring any bells, but either way I doubt if it would bother me, what's it about?



She asked.



It’s pure intense Clive Barker, tho Book of Blood was disappointing. [[looked good tho]]



I do heartily recommend ‘Dread’.



I answered.

**Titter**
14:09 Apr 02 2010
Times Read: 1,010

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.



She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather

the building materials for his home.



She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow

full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that

straw to build my house?'



The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think

the man said?'



One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...



'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be fucked!! A talking pig!'



The teacher had to leave the room.