The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

**Giggles**
01:38 Oct 30 2011
Times Read: 716

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.



It is a horrible lie and one that a Christian community cannot tolerate.



I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.



Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."



No one moved.



The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?



Remember, you will be forgiven, and in your heart, you will feel glory.



Now stand and confess your transgression."





Again, all was quiet.



Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.



Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.



"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.



I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.



I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."



The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

**Giggles**
00:50 Oct 22 2011
Times Read: 730

Daddy is mowing the lawn when his young son comes running out of the house calling to him.

“Daddy, daddy, what’s sex?” asks the boy.

For a moment dad is dumbstruck but then decides that if his son has asked the question, then he must do his best to answer it. For the next few minutes dad talks about the birds and the bees, then human relationships, love, the sex act, having babies – in fact he does a pretty good job of covering every aspect. Eventually he comes to a stop when he sees how oddly his son is looking at him.

“Why did you want to know?” he asks.

“Well, Mummy said to come out and tell you that dinner would be ready in two secs.”



★ ★ ★



Man to son:

Endeavour to marry a girl with small hands, it’ll make your penis look bigger.



★ ★ ★

**Giggles**
00:49 Oct 17 2011
Times Read: 744

The Half Wit



A man owned a small farm in Australia.



The Fair Work Australia Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.



'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.





'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board.



He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday"



'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.



'Then there's the half-wit.



He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.



He makes about $20 per week, Pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.



He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'



'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.



'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

**Giggles**
00:38 Oct 16 2011
Times Read: 758




★ ★ ★



“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture of a cat.

“That’s a pussy,” she said.

“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy.

Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her son a picture of a dog.

But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine, opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.

“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.”

Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”



★ ★ ★



“Mummy, mummy, what are you doing?” exclaimed the little boy as he walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on daddy.

“Just flattening daddy’s tummy,” mum replied.

“I wouldn’t bother, when you go out tonight the au pair will only blow it up again.”



★ ★ ★

**Giggles**
00:44 Oct 15 2011
Times Read: 767

It was like a scene from Baywatch. Three girls were being interviewed for the job of lifeguard and each was asked the question: “What would you do if you saw someone fall off a boat?”

The first said she would race immediately into the water and swim out to rescue them.

The second said she would radio for a medical team to be waiting and then swim out to rescue them.

The third said she would get one of the other lifeguards to go out while she waited on shore for help.

Now which girl got the job?

Why! the one with big tits of course.

**Giggles**
01:02 Oct 14 2011
Times Read: 773

The milkman delivers the milk the day before Christmas and rings the bell of number 11, hoping for a festive tip. As the door opens, he sees a beautiful woman standing there

wearing a see-through nightie. She takes him by the hand and guides him upstairs where she makes mad passionate love to him. At the end of the session, they return downstairs where she cooks a delicious fried breakfast and hands him £1.

“I don’t understand” says the puzzled milkman. “What’s going on?”

She replies, “When I asked my husband whether I should give you a £5 tip, he replied, ‘Fuck the milkman and give

him £1.’ The breakfast was my idea.”



★ ★ ★

**Giggles**
23:24 Oct 10 2011
Times Read: 784

A female lecturer is telling a group of students how to teach maths to small children.

“It’s always a good idea for them to visualise the question.

For instance, if I said there were three cats on a wall and one was shot dead – how many were left? – the children would answer 2. They would be able to see the cats in their mind’s

eye.”

At that point she was interrupted by one of the students.

“Excuse me, but I would have answered none to that question.”

The lecturer looked puzzled, repeated the problem but again the student shook his head.

“My answer would be none,” he said. “If one of the cats had been shot then the other two would have been out of there in a flash.”

She replied, “Well, in theory that wouldn’t be correct, however I like the way you think.”

The student continued, “May I ask you a question now? If there were three women walking down the street, one licking an ice lolly, one biting an ice lolly and one sucking an

ice lolly – which one would you think was married?”

The teacher blushed profusely and stuttered a reply.

“Well … er … the one sucking the ice lolly.”

“No,” replied the student, smiling, “it would be the one wearing a wedding ring … still, I like the way you think!”

**GUFFAW**
16:07 Oct 09 2011
Times Read: 787

“I’m sorry, dad, I think I’ve let you down.”

“Why’s that, son?”

“Yesterday we had to do our first parachute jump and when

it came to my turn, I just froze, I couldn’t make myself take

that final step.”

“So what happened?”

“The instructor told me if I didn’t jump, he’d fuck me up the

arse.”

“So did you jump?”

“I did a little, at first.”

**Giggles**
23:30 Oct 06 2011
Times Read: 794

A Chinese goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.



The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.



Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.



The Chinese buys 25 pairs.



He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.



The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.



The Chinese returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.



The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Chinese, please tell me:



What do you do with all these black bras?



The Chinese answers:



I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for $200.00 each.

**Giggles**
14:11 Oct 04 2011
Times Read: 802

An old man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.



The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."



The officer then asked, "Really?



Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"



The man replied,



"That would be my wife."

**GUFFAW**
00:11 Oct 04 2011
Times Read: 803

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the blonde receptionist,





“I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.'





'No,' she says, 'it's just regular porn....you sick bastard.'

**Giggles**
23:48 Oct 02 2011
Times Read: 808

They Walk Among Us!

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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'



The next day someone stole it!



They walk amongst us!

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*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....

'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'



They walk among us!



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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because

he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the East and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,

'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'



They Walk Among Us!

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the

sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving.'



They Walk Among Us!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.



They Walk Among Us!

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.

My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"

I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...



They Walk Among Us !

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'...

(I work with professionals like this.)



They Walk Among Us!

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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and

the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungryenough to eat 6 pieces.



They Walk Among Us!



And last, but not least:





Dumb as a box of Rocks



A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where the past governor from up north happened to appear. She took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' she asked.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

The gov thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'





Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote, and their vote equals ours, and most frightening, they also reproduce!