Around and around we go13:55 Apr 28 2008
Times Read: 680
I am just sitting here, trying to take my mind off everything that has happened in the last few days. I am not even sure what i feel anymore, you try so hard to get things done only to have them go right down the drain. So you push yourself so hard only to find that now your broken and still have nothing. I don't know what to do anymore, it is like i am just stuck in some kind of black hole, and as soon as it seems like i am getting out or even getting close . . . WHACK . . . . and right back in i go. I am not even sure if getting away from this damn statei s going to happen anytime soon. I want to go home, i have people there that are waiting for me, friends, loved ones, It feels like everything is stacked aginest me in so many ways. What am i suppose to do? I can't give up, can't stop trying, because i push myself to get things done. Don't every one want to be happy? Well i am less then a happy little clown. Matter of fact i have not been happy since i moved out here. I have people that make me happy, but then sad at the same time because i can't hold them, or tell them that everything is going to be ok, that i'm not going to leave them. I feel like nothing and no one is oing to stay by me as long as i am here, stuck here, or so it would seem. I try to save money and thats goes right to hell, cause as soon as i get it either i am behin on bills or someone is standing there waiting to take it, or something happens to the only truck i have. I have so many people who care about me, i have friends telling me that who ever i end up with is going to be a really lucky lady to have me. Well you know what . . . . i just don;t get it. I can't even count how many times i have been called a rare find, how does someone come up with that? I mean i see myself as trying and i put myself out there for the one i am with, isn't that what your suppose to do? Is that not normal? I just can't see what everyone else seems to se in me, i see it as a normal way to be. Maybe i am just a freak after all haha, I m tired and when i get tired i start to spill my guts, (i guess that is a heads up for anyone wanting in my head hahaha) And when it is all said and done and i am told so many times how rare, sweet, caring, loving, thoughtful, and many other things i am, guess what happens . . . . did you guess it? I'm sure anyone who knows me at all did. Thats right boys and girls, i get left, booted, kicked to the curve like a bum, hurt, played, lied to, cheated on, you know i am trying to think if there ain't been much that someone HASN'T done to me. OH wait . . . . . got one . . . . . stay with me. Yep theres one that ain't happened yet. Some of us have good reason why we leave someone, and some of us don't. For those who are open and honest with another person, they are the ones worth waiting on, worth holding on to till the end, and worth giving all of yourself too. If your not one of those people then i am not sure what to tell you, but just please PLEASE have some kinda of reason, don;t be like my x wife who all she will say is i had my reason's but when i ask what they were she acts all upset and say she hasn't had to think about it in a while. Fine you someone you care about and hold on to her/him forever. Thats all i know to tell anyone, don;t be scared to share you fears, hates, likes, dislikes, and yourself with that person when you find them. Just make sure they are willing to do the same and it is not one sided on your part though, those never turn out well. For anyone who has taken the time to get to know me i want to say thank you all so much, it has been a real pleasure having you all in my life. And for those of you who only gave me a glance and turned a blind eye . . . well you can just keep walking. For those of you who i have fallen for, fallen with, and become one with at some point weather it be past or present, I want to say i love you all very much. Each one of you has shown me something new, something to cherish inside myself and each one of you.
COMMENTS
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shadowia
16:10 Apr 28 2008
Written straight from the heart..I can easily relate to this.If there´s anything..Anything at all,please write me.I´m a good listener.Shadowia.
LadySerenity
11:50 Apr 29 2008
I know you feel like you are on auto pilot - I wish that there was something I could do to help and to make it better... just remember that I am here for you babes.. just a phone call, text or IM away... you know I would do anything for you..
oh. and, I'm not leaving.. its now my goal to prove you wrong :P
;)
Luv ya