The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

because you care but the words are unavailable and because i hope for things that cannot be now... over and under dragged by the force of something I cannot see but merely feel to the depths of my soul and it burns away my flesh and leaves me broken and alone at the feet of what I cling to… smoldering earth below and frozen skies above hold nothing but remains of what I used to see in eyes of hazel, flecked with a blue that burns in frustration and a weakness that is mine and mine alone… hope comes unbidden in the darkness, forming dreams my conscious refuses to accept as reality and a realness that takes the form of smoky demons… i smile once, challenging the fates and the thread i’ve been cut… a snarl from somewhere deep inside rumbles and the animal that’s always lurking threatens to break free and destroy the simplicity forced upon you by expectations and the image that is ‘right’ or ‘correct’… truth seeps through every pore and honesty floats in golden notes over bodies of water that stretch forever, feeling what is pure and true you smile and the light of your eyes, like a beacon... a light house on the shore of stormy seas guide me to safe harbors… standing on the edge of where water meets land staring out over broken dreams and promises emotionless and empty knowing somewhere there is someone who knows what this is about that can truly see through the hollow images to truth… wondering what they think of the notes and if they sing to you in honesty or if you hear only pain and not the beauty that lies underneath in who you are and everything you do… a death that leads to life and an emotion that lasts forever incognito as a smile that pulls in and lets go, that binds and releases, that cages and sets free... A nameless tune whispers and we strain to listen its cords stroking and soothing burned out souls and a soft voice speaks and you understand and i see in your mind the only thing that could ever be……………………

Faith



it washes me away

I want to apologize to some people....

people who care about me

i'm doing the whole 'shutting people out' thing that i do when i'm feeling the need to fix myself

when i'm feeling selfish and cruel

i realize it's not right

and i am trying to fight it

but i am afraid of myself and what i am feeling

so i am shutting myself off from you, and thats not fair

none of you have done anything but bshown concern and caring..

and i appreciate that

even if i cannot show it right now

i am sorry

please know i care about you too

and to those in my house i am sorry for my inactivity...

i will fix it

used up and thrown away



i forget what... it feels like..

to be appreciated for who i am

but you remind me



i don't know why

but you..



you watch me.. staring at a screen

i distract you

but you don't mind



i can't understand what you see

and i wish you could say

but it's better this way

i'd like to change things

make it all better

just like you'd like to for me....



assuming is a terrible thing

are some things 'meant to be'? or are we products of chance and randomness? how did i find this? and now what?

you laugh at me all the time and i don't mind the joke...



time is only time and i've wasted enough on trying to be something..... else...

something i'm expected to be..

something i'm supposed to be ok with

but i'm not and thats fine too

as long as i am truth

Never seen a bluer sky

Yeah I can feel it reaching out

And moving closer

There's something about blue

Asked myself what it's all for

You know the funny thing about it

I couldn't answer

No I couldn't answer



Things have turned a deeper shade of blue

And images that might be real

May be illusion

Keep flashing off and on

Free

Wanna be free

Gonna be free

And move among the stars

You know they really aren't so far

Feels so free

Gotta know free

Please

Don't wake me from the dream

It's really everything it seemed

I'm so free

No black and white in the blue



Everything is clearer now

Life is just a dream you know

That's never ending

I'm ascending





lyrics to "blue"

if you think too hard you read too much into other's actions

if you look too hard you'll find something bad in everyone

if you give too much you'll be taken advantage of

if you take too much you'll be alone

if you wander too much you'll become lost

if you dream too much reality will pass you by

if you leave yourself to indecision you'll become stagnant

if you look for answers you just might get them.

and i'm hopeless and i'm blamed

nothing i do is right and i can't remember when i was loved

perhaps i never was, just a convinence



you, you care, i wonder if i am worthy of it

if i can actualy know what love is

what hope is

what pure happiness is

not just moments of calm before i get beat down again



i'm unsure why you want to

but i feel that you are true

and you care

i am sure you do

but i don't know why

i need to disapear

and never come back.

i want to run away,

somewhere the past can never find me.

i want to hide away with love

and ignore that i ever felt it.

i want a new life,

the one i should have had all along

confusion and affection come and go with every breath, i wonder what you are thinking, what they are thinking, what i am thinking, i've seen the future in gray-green eyes that haunt and i've felt the future in my comfort-zone. taking a chance, i need to. hoping for an emontion i thought lost to me, i do. i feel all i need is you and that scares me to the point of panic... shouldn't be this way... rewind time and let me choose the right path this time...

yeah

i had some issues both personal and computer wise

but i'm back home now



i missed you all

even Toilet Head