You are not a Premium Member and you are blocking ads. You are using Vampire Rave for free. Vampire Rave relies on ads in order to operate. Please disable your Ad Blocker. This can easily be done for Vampire Rave only.
If you are using Chrome, click the red hand button at the top right of the screen:
Then select: Don't run on pages on this site
If you do it correctly, the red hand will turn to green and you will no longer see this message.
8 TYPES OF PARENTS YOU MEET AT A JUNIOR SPORTS EVENT
13:53 May 28 2019 Times Read: 1,114
The winter sports season is underway and children everywhere are being loaded into people movers by parents whose weekends used to be very different.
Here are eight sideline characters you are likely to meet at junior sport.
ONE-MAN CHEERSQUAD
It’s great to get into the spirit and cheer on your team, but not the entire time and not at 150 decibels.
This parent, who is either profoundly deaf or wants everyone else to be, doesn’t care he’s the only one making noise.
Likely to even yell congratulations for an efficient throw back to the centre circle or a guzzle of Powerade at half time, not a second of play escapes his loud but positive appraisal and forceful applause.
When he’s not at junior sport, he’s probably wandering the streets, cheering on neighbours who are whipper snipping their nature strips.
How the anti coach view themselves, and how everybody else views them.
ANTI COACH
Like a psych patient who believes he’s Napoleon, this parent apparently believes they are the one true coach.
This often brings them into conflict with the real coach, whose game plans and priorities are ignored by the anti-coach’s spout of misinformation.
Often seen screaming instructions from near the shed and even daring to call unauthorised interchanges, the anti-coach even treads dangerously close to the halftime huddle and whispers corrupting commands into the ears of players who aren’t sure who to listen to.
The anti-coach is usually someone who used to be the coach and is having trouble not being the coach anymore.
GOSS SQUAD
While the kids trade tackles on the field, this clique of nosy parents stand around a pentagram on the grassy sideline to trade in salacious gossip.
Whose marriage is on the rocks? Which teachers at the local school are coupled with which? Which parents are anti-vaxxers? Which have had cosmetic surgery?
By the final siren they collect their secrets and pile into their SUVs where they retrospectively feign interest in the sports match, while keeping their eyes and ears peeled for more local goss to bring to the group next week, like a big cat hauling prey back to the pack.
The sausage tsar takes no notice of weather conditions.
SAUSAGE TSAR
An enterprising parent whose involvement in Rotary or philanthropic bent means the sport arena is never without the lingering aroma of slowly burning onion and undercooked snags.
With their clean record on food poisoning seemingly always under threat, the Tsar of sausages is either behind the barbecue or wandering the crowd with a charity pack of oversized Freddos even if it’s flooding with rain.
The weekend would be blander without them and their Esky full of soft drink cans.
PACKHORSE MANAGER
Now in her third season of regretting the decision to volunteer as team manager, this stressed parent rolls from mess to mess cleaning up after the failings of others.
Disputes about jumper clashes, legal threats over rolled ankles and parents getting banned for language that would get you court-martialled in the navy are all part of her weekend.
The thankless role is only recognised when the manager finally moves on when her child gets too old for the league and someone useless takes over.
Some light security is needed in case the brawler shows his face again.
BRAWLER
Wearing a string of stadium bans like a badge of honour, and also wearing a flannel shirt and shades, the brawler doesn’t care how many laws or noses need to get broken so he can live vicariously through his kid.
While the child probably prefers chemistry and doesn’t care about the match, their brawler dad is ready to contest every foul call or sideline rhetoric with his knuckles.
Rumours abound that he spent time on the inside for stabbing a teenage umpire, and a photo of his mug hangs on the wall of every sports venue admin office from Frankston to Werribee.
SNAIL
A slow-moving creature that carries its whole home wherever it goes.
Nothing more adequately describes the parents who set up on a grassy mound on the other side of the field with what seems to be a whole Ray’s Outdoors catalogue worth of gear.
Fold-up chairs, an Esky and Thermos are just the start.
A tent to guard from the wind, a miniature Weber that likely violates the rules of the establishment, a radio and foot rests are all in tow.
Early to arrive and the last to leave, the lethargic snails are always up for a chat and will offer up a sushi roll if you venture into their far-off realm.
The ghost — a melancholy spectre that appears only in Round One and the grand final.
GHOST
This parent’s name is on the contact list and their kid is registered to play, but nobody’s seen them since Round One.
Despite forking our for a uniform and registration fee, the ghost family has little interest in actually attending games.
That’s until the end of the season when the ghost kid makes a chilling apparition in the grand final if their team makes it that far, and shares in the spoils of victory at the barbecue afterwards if they win.
Their brand new playing gear doesn’t go unnoticed.
MY DEAREST FANGS,
I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE SO POORLY WITH CAT FLU.I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND LAST NIGHT I WAS SO SCARED TO SEE YOU SO ILL, AND SUFFERING THOSE HORRID SIDE EFFECTS OF THE MEDS.I LOVE YOU MOER THEN YOU WILL EVER KNOW AND I WANT TO THANK YOU OR THE HAPPINESS YOU HAVE GIVEN ME. I REALLY HOPE YOU GET AND MORE IMPORTANTLY STAY WELL. I HOPE GODDESS BAST AND GODDESS HEAR MY PRAYERS AND MAKE YOU COMPLETELY WELL ASAP. YOU ARE MY WORLD ANAD I CANTY IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT YOU MIDNIGHT AND BILBO.I AM SO SORRY THAT BEO YOU JOINED MY FAMILY THAT YOU HAD SUCH CRUELTY INFLICTED UPON YOU. I HOPE THATI MAKE YOU AS HAPPY AS YOU MAKE ME. YOU HAVE BROUGHT ME NOTHIGN BUT HAPPINESS SINCE I FIRST BROUGHT YOU HOME. I LOVE YOU MORE THEN YOU WILL EVER KNOW. YOUR LOVING CAT MOM LINDSAY.
I DIDNT WRITE THIS IT COMES FROM THE HERALD SUN ONE OF THE MANY DIGITAL NEWSPAPERS I SUBSCRIBE TO.
How will Santa get in when our apartment has no chimney?
Santa, present at this year’s quorate body corporate Annual General Meeting, indicated he will use the ducted heating in the absence of a chimney.
The reindeer will be told to wait on the car stacker. The matter was unanimously passed.
How do elves make iPads?
Apple products are routinely designed in California and assembled elsewhere.
The tariff war currently prohibits the entry of North Pole iPads, which is why yours was sourced from China, but was still wrapped by elves.
How do presents for millions of children fit in such a small sack?
Vacuum sealing.
How can Santa be in Myer and David Jones at the same time?
Just as Santa can deliver presents to millions of homes at once, so too can he exist in two styrofoam thrones at once.
His magic is even powerful enough to circumvent contracts which prohibit working for direct competitors.
Santa’s magic is so strong it allows him to be in two department stores at once, with completely altered facial features.
Why wasn’t daddy here while Santa visited?
One year, Santa took a loan from daddy to pay for your Razor scooter.
Santa has missed several repayments on that loan and prefers to visit when daddy is absent.
If it’s summer in Australia, why does Santa still wear a coat when he visits?
Since Santa’s trip to Melbourne is on the same leg as his trip to Antarctica, removing the coat isn’t an efficient use of time.
How come Santa is supposed to only visit nice children, but the bully at school got a bike?
The bully’s parents tricked that poor child into believing Santa had visited by purchasing the bike themselves and hiding it in the garage until Christmas.
Your bike was delivered in no such way.
How did my letter to Santa reach the North Pole when it’s inaccessible by Australia Post bicycles?
While most of Victoria, let alone the Arctic Circle, often seems inaccessible to Australia Post bicycles, letters are collected from local depots during the year by flying reindeer who have little else to do.
Letters to the Arctic Circle, inaccessible by Australia Post bikes, are carried by flying reindeer.
Does Santa have kids?
Santa is metaphorically a type of father to all children who believe in him, and literally a father to more of them than he may care to publicly admit.
Why does Santa never visit poor children?
Zoning issues.
Why do the reindeer eat carrots?
Carrots improve eyesight at night time and those deer have to dodge Jetstar flights like complete pros.
How is Santa always watching me?
Santa sits at the heart of a data-gathering machine that rivals the NSA and the Chinese Government.
Intel from undercover sources is delivered via encrypted messaging apps.
Santa’s flying sleigh was delivered by SpaceX after persistent badgering from Elon Musk.
Who designed Santa’s flying sleigh?
Elon Musk, even though he wasn’t asked to help.
Why is Santa so fat?
Santa is contractually obliged to consume the milk and cookies left for him by every child in the world.
He is, all things considered, remarkably slim.
How come Santa’s wrapping paper matches the wrapping paper on presents we give to extended family members?
Magic.
How do I know when I’m on the naughty list?
All parents are sent daily updates on the naughty and nice lists in the form of a read-only PDF via email.
Parents know when you’re on the naughty list and can advise which changes in behaviour or chores need to be undertaken to improve the listing.
Having lived since the beginning of time, Santa worked in hospitality before the birth of Christ.
If Santa has lived forever, was he alive before Jesus, for whom Christmas is celebrated?
Santa was around before Jesus, but was working in hospitality part time while studying.
If Santa brings presents for free, why are toys always on sale before Christmas?
Santa’s anti-competitive behaviour is being investigated by government watchdogs around the western world but, pending a resolution, retailers have no choice but to put toys on sale to compete with the North Pole machine.
Do the elves get paid?
Elves are volunteers or are serving non-custodial sentences.
Does Santa visit atheist families?
Atheist parents often buy presents for their children and leave them under the tree because they believe Santa will not visit.
Santa does visit, and replaces all the presents with exact replicas.
I DIDNT WRITE THIS ARTICLE IT COMES FROM THE HERALD SUN . ONE OF THE MANY DIGITAL NEWSPAPERS I SUBSCRIBE TO.
Unmissable signs that its Christmas in Melbourne
Mitchell Toy, Herald Sun
December 20, 2018 4:54pm
Christmas is here and it’s time to speak to relatives you haven’t seen since last December.
It’s time to dust off the baubles and reboot the Bing Crosby playlist as the weather gets warmer and the threat of physical violence in shopping centre carparks increases.
You know it’s Christmas in Melbourne when …
1. One local council or another is in trouble for spending too much on Christmas decorations, or not spending enough.
2. Anyone likely to get free tickets to the tennis sees a sudden increase in close friends.
3. The full extent of the city’s tattoo obsession becomes clear as the weather gets warmer and the garments get lighter.
4. News stories about the AFL are mostly limited to off-season scandals.
5. Excuses for train delays gradually go from “too wet” to “too hot”.
6. Shopping centre carparks become frontiers of aggression and indecency.
Shopping centre car parks turn into war zones each December.
7. Smooth 91.5 comes into its own.
8. People start saying, “are you getting any time off?”
9. A trip to Chadstone requires a packed lunch.
10. You get to know the staff at Dan Murphy’s by name.
11. Half the Amazon seems to have been felled for the retail junk mail showing up in your letterbox.
Never is a “No Junk Mail” sign more necessary than the weeks before Christmas.
12. Australia Post once again becomes your best friend and your worst enemy.
13. The debate about the merit of Mariah Carey is on again.
14. The Christmas decorations over the IGA deli, which have been there for seven years, are yet again temporarily justified.
15. Colleagues start swapping ham glazing tips and reliable chutney brands.
16. The sale of Bunnings vouchers outpaces the sale of Bunnings sausages.
17. Everybody’s waiting to hear back from the in-laws about what the go is for Christmas Day.
18. Snowman motifs clash with increasing bushfire danger.
19. Parents realise LEGO has a higher price per kilo than avocados.
Lego or avocado: Now you know which one is the real bargain.
20. The beach diet is locked in mortal combat with the Christmas party canape diet.
21. Boxes of Cadbury Favourites are traded like cigarettes in prison.
22. Children who visit two shopping centres in one day are challenged by the idea that Santa can exist in two places at once.
23. Your local cafe has stopped offering soup and has started offering cold press.
24. Receipts are kept.
25. The high street has a resident nine-year-old busker playing carols on a school-issued violin.
26. Flights to Noosa and Byron are chockers.
27. Every school is advertising a Christmas concert on a board donated by a local real estate agent.
28. Telfast and mince pies are consumed in equal measure.
29. The Esky, used as a storage container, prepares to resume its primary function.
30. A decision in January to shove tangled Christmas lights into a garbage for hasty storage returns to bite.
31. Energy authorities are getting ready to pour extra supply into Christmas lights at Ivanhoe.
A new power station is needed to keep Melbourne’s suburban lights displays.
32. You welcome the mixed scent of sunscreen, Aeroguard and cinnamon.
33. Cherries are in season.
34. You realise 15c bags at the supermarket will cost you hundreds over the next month.
35. Tap and Go isn’t a credit card service, it’s a life philosophy.
36. The mess and hassle of having a live Christmas tree in an apartment is forgotten and a fresh one is sought.
37. The risk of tinsel-related static electric shock at Myer is high.
38. The days gradually get longer as your attention span at work gets shorter.
39. Ads for supermarkets show large extended families at happy gatherings that are unrealistically civil.
40. The distance between the shop you want to go to and an available parking space increases dramatically.
I DIDNT WRITE THIS ARTICLE IT COMES FROM ONE OF THE MANY DIGITAL NEWSPAPERS THE HERALD SUN
THAT I SUBSCRIBE TO.
The many legends surrounding Santa Claus
Mitchell Toy, Herald Sun
December 12, 2018 7:00am
Subscriber only
A troublemaker who slapped a high priest at a conference, a miracle worker who brought three murdered children back to life and a practitioner of anonymous kindness who saved young girls from prostitution.
That was, according to legend, the life of St Nicholas of Myra, a man who some believe walked the earth 1700 years ago and whose name is now synonymous with Santa Claus.
He is revered in some strains of Christianity as the patron saint of children, sailors and merchants.
CLEVER ANSWERS TO YOUR CHILD’S SANTA QUESTIONS
THE REAL REASONS YOU KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS
Some also worship him as the saint of brewers, pawnbrokers and repentant thieves.
The duplicity of the old St Nick’s character and his confrontation of horror to save and resurrect the needy, especially children, is part of a murky historical narrative debated by scholars.
And although they share a white beard and a propensity for anonymous giving, the historical figure with the same name as Santa was a very different man.
THE THREE GIRLS
Born around 270AD in the old city of Patara on the Mediterranean, near Turkey, to well-off parents and, according to some stories, a bishop uncle who ordained him as a priest, St Nicholas inherited a fair amount of money but set about giving it to the poor.
He came across an ageing man who had lost his wealth in hard times and was struggling to provide for his three young daughters.
It became apparent to Nicholas that the girls would be sold into prostitution unless their father’s finances improved.
So over the course of three nights, Nicholas threw three sacks of gold coins through the window of the family’s house, one sack for each of the girls, so the father could afford dowries, saving the youths from prostitution.
In some versions of the story, the man catches St Nicholas on the third night and falls to his knees, thanking him.
It is believed this old story was the forerunner of modern Santa Claus’ secret gift giving.
BUTCHERED CHILDREN
One of the most disturbing stories of miracles attributed to St Nicholas involves an evil butcher during a harsh famine.
St Nicholas was touring the area helping the hungry when he came across the butcher, who had a large barrel full of pickled meat.
Although the butcher claimed it was pork, St Nicholas knew something was wrong.
The ghastly truth was that the desperate butcher had murdered three local children and pickled their bodies to sell to unsuspecting, hungry townsfolk.
According to legend, St Nicholas stood by the barrel, made the sign of the cross and the children emerged, resurrected.
The image of the three children in a barrel at the saint’s feet became a popular icon of the Middle Ages and, although scholars believe the story has no roots in historical fact, it popularised St Nicholas’ association with children.
THE SLAPPING INCIDENT
When Emperor Constantine sought to formalise church doctrine in 325, he called the First Council of Nicaea, a meeting of senior Christians who would debate and codify details of the faith.
Some historical records show St Nicholas’ name on the attendance list and others don’t.
Some believe this is because of an incident at the conference in which St Nicholas confronted Arius, a senior priest and leader of a movement that placed the divinity of God above that of Jesus.
St Nicholas is said to have slapped him in the face.
Some historians believe the incident led to St Nicholas being punished by Constantine, having his miter confiscated and his name removed from records of the council in an attempt to pretend the controversy never happened.
But the legend of St Nick’s violent outburst appeared in the Middle Ages about 1000 years after the council at Nicaea, and there is no firm proof it actually happened.
A 1930s advertisement for Coca Cola and, right, Sinterklaas portrayed at a modern Dutch Christmas celebration. Picture: Sander van der Wel
SINTERKLAAS
St Nicholas, a Greek who lived on the Mediterranean, might never have seen a reindeer and had no need for a thick red coat.
The modern Santa looks more like the Dutch Sinterklaas, who formed from stories of St Nicholas in the Middle Ages.
The tales blended with pagan legends including the bearded wanderer Odin, who flew across rooftops on a white horse and had two raven spies that would listen down chimneys to judge the morality of common people.
Soon the tradition evolved to replace the ravens with helpers sometimes resembling elves, and gift giving by Sinterklaas of chocolates to children.
The tradition developed throughout Europe and carried to the new world where, in the 20th century, the modern Santa Claus (whose name still means Saint Nicholas), became known.
The bright illustrations by American classical illustrator Norman Rockwell, and depictions of Santa in artwork for Coca Cola advertisements showed a rotund, jolly Santa with a white beard and a red outfit who carried presents in a sack.
Although the Santa style varies from the original stories of St Nicholas, the saint’s habit of anonymous and selfless giving survives.
It’s hard to keep up. Barely a week passes without another activity making its way on to the school banned list.
The rules seem endless. Rules around what kids can do, say, wear and eat.
And rules extend to what parents can and cannot do while on the school ground.
The first response from observers often decries the crackdowns as a sign of a “snowflake” generation or calls for kids to be wrapped up in bubble wrap.
There’s usually commentary that “back my day” it was open slather and kids were rough and tumble. “It didn’t hurt us.”
At the centre are principals and teachers, trying to navigate the middle ground between keeping everyone safe in a far more litigious world and letting people get on with it. There also has been the rise of the helicopter parent, very eager to communicate their concerns and demands for their child.
Protecting children’s feelings, their welfare, maintaining some sort of order, commonsense and some heightened political correctness come into play.
Uniforms and grooming are among the biggest sticking points as young people try to express themselves and rub against authority. Schools try to keep it vanilla, wanting to focus on schooling, rather than managing a whole group of individuals and what they are wearing. Image is particularly important to some schools as they see their students as roving ambassadors of the school.
Here’s our A to Z of some we’ve come across. We’re sure we have missed some.
APPLE Watches: Brighton Grammar requires boys to turn their watches off during the day. Failure to do so will result in confiscation.
Leave these off during class kids.
ARRIVAL/PICK UPS: Parents thinking they can drop the kids off early and get to work or arrive late for pick up have been put on notice by many schools. They are not unpaid babysitters. Parents cannot drop children off before certain times as the schoolyard is not supervised. In some instances children are sent to before and after care and parents billed for care.
AWARDS: Trying to balance the tightrope of encouraging students and the “everyone wins a prize” approach is a battle for schools. Many schools award students of the week, finding good in all students during the year. But, you can bet that if a child falls between the gaps and does not get an award, parents will be in to ask why. Sebastopol’s St James Primary School axed ribbons at its school sports, urging everyone to do their personal best.
BALLOONS: a childcare centre would not allow balloons to celebrate a birthday because some children may have latex allergies. These days balloons are getting a bad rap because they can end up in waterways. Brighton Grammar stipulates that “party balloons are not to be used if a student has an allergy to latex”.
BEYBLADES: The latest toy to make it on the banned list as schools try to manage squabbles over the spinning, fighting tops. In the past month or so a number of schools have told families they are no longer welcome.
Eggs and even egg cartons are banned at some school due to allergies.
BRITISH Bulldog and similar games: A perennial issue. Northcote High School, earlier this month, sent a note to parents seeking their assistance in regulating schoolyard play. “Any direct “physical impact” games such as British Bulldog and Scarecrow, where the aim of the game is to tackle someone (usually head on) are prohibited at all times” the school said. Schools are trying to minimise risk and have a duty of care for students.
CAKES: The rise of food intolerances has seen many schools either banning or strictly regulating if students can bring cakes and treats to school to celebrate a birthday. In some cases schools require cupcakes so the teacher does not have to cut up a cake. One child, to circumvent an issue, brought a cake and a knife to school and cut up the cake at lunchtime.
CHAIN LETTERS/MEMES: They’re not like the olden days where they were on paper. Now they are usually spread electronically. Schools try to stem these as some kids get upset about threats that they will come to harm if they don’t pass them on. The more electronically savvy older students are known to cut and paste teachers in memes that are not well received.
CHRISTMAS CAROLS: This is an annual reheated claim that some kinders and schools have steered away from the traditional Christmas songs to accommodate non-Christians.
COFFEE: Parents at St Kevin’s junior campus Glendalough have been asked not to carry hot drinks around the schoolyard and classrooms as active boys might knock them flying, causing burns. Generally, teachers at schools are told not to have hot drinks in cups during yard duty in case of accidents.
CREAM CAKES: Food regulations have seen the cream cake banned from school fetes. The cream might go off. All contributions now need to be named with all the ingredients, the baker and the date prepared.
DOGS: Some schools forbid dogs, even on a leash, to be within the school ground.
EGG CARTONS: Egg allergies have seen some kinders/schools telling families not to donate old egg cartons to be used in construction play.
FLOWERS and other gifts: Bacchus Marsh Grammar nipped young love in the bud this Valentine’s Day, telling students that any deliveries of flowers, cards and gifts would be turned away at the office. The rationale was not explained but managing unauthorised people on school grounds might have been a factor. Staff time dealing with the issue and disquiet among students who don’t get the tokens of love may also have been a consideration.
FOOTY and other ball games: Students cramped into small school yards have been told that they can’t play footy in confined areas as they risk hitting smaller children.
FOOTY CARDS: Back in the day you could have added swap cards and marbles into the mix. Today you might even add Coles’ Stickees. Some schools try to regulate children taking them to school as they may misplace them, they may get stolen or older kids might dud younger kids out of their good cards. It’s vexed.
GLASS DRINK BOTTLES: For teen students it wasn’t so much that the Voss water is bottled at an “artesian source in the pristine wilderness of Southern Norway” but the look and feel of the bottle. A number of schools have banned them, saying the risk of broken glass is not worth the aesthetic appeal.
GRAPES: Parents at Brighton Grammar early learning centre have been told they need to chop up grapes as whole grapes are a choking risk. Many schools try to enforce rules about eating while sitting down to avoid choking issues.
GRANDPARENTS’ DAY: Not so much a ban but a broadening of the event. Given that we are a more mobile society and families are not always close, many schools have morphed these days into special person’s day to try to be more inclusive.
HAIR: The Trinity Grammar hair saga put hair under microscope. While most schools don’t go to such extremes as cutting a student’s hair, they do try to regulate length and colour of hair. However, they vary from school to school. Carey Grammar does not allow “extremes” in colour or style.
Hair can be a sticking point at many schools. Picture: iStock
At Carey, the boys can’t wear ponytails, topknots and the minimum haircut is a number 3. Boys have to be clean shaven without “excessive” sideburns. A suburban school ended up having to back down when it refused to allow girls to wear braids which they argued was part of their culture.
HEAD LICE: It’s the note that sends a chill through parents. Children have to be excluded from school until they have been treated. The etiquette is to tell the school that your child has an outbreak but many parents, fearing a stigma, don’t tell the school so the head lice just go around and around.
HELICOPTER PARENTS: They like to whirr around, landing in classrooms, directing the traffic. But some schools, wanting kids to become more self sufficient, organised and resilient, ban mums and dads from coming into the classroom any time they like.
HELMETS: Many students riding scooters to schools have been told they must wear helmets.
IDLING: Woodleigh College, on the Mornington Peninsula, has encouraged harried parents who arrive at school early and sit in their cars with the engine running to turn them off. It says it is in not consistent with its environmental policy. Some countries have hefty anti-idling laws.
ILLNESS: Slapped cheek, chickenpox, gastro. They are all illnesses that require children to stay at home. Often kids go to school spreading their germs.
JEWELLERY: Dress codes vary from school to school. For instance, Carey Grammar allows one thin, plain metal necklace. “There are to be no adornments other than for religious significance”.
LATENESS: Paired with absenteeism, this is an ongoing battle for schools. Some schools and students are bigger offenders.
LUNCHES: Schools try to regulate lunches, to varying degrees. This often gets people off-side but some families do send kids to school with packets of junk food instead of fresh food. Striking the right balance is an issue for all.
SCHOOL TELLS UBER EATS TO GET ON ITS BIKE
RIP SCHOOL LUNCH BOXES, IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED
MAKE UP: Policies vary wildly and there appears to be a gulf between policies and what is policed. Carey Grammar does not allow “excessive make up”. It does allow clear nail polish.
MARY JANE SHOES: One school banned girls from wearing the shoes because the students did not do up the buckles and left the straps flapping around.
MOBILE PHONES: Schools, worried about the distractions and risk of anti-social behaviour have been grappling with cutting down phone use. While some schools have stipulated mobile free days, or banned students from having phones in classes, others have taken a harder line. McKinnon Secondary College appears to have been a trailblazer in banning phones and said the benefits were immediate. Camberwell Girls Grammar and Trinity Grammar are among recent converts and say there are huge upsides with students interacting better and less distracted. Gisborne Secondary College, at the centre of a viral video drama when students uploaded footage of a brawl, is trialling a ban in Term 2.
NO JAB, NO PLAY: Parents have to provide evidence of immunisation showing they are vaccinated or are on a catch up program. Ballarat Clarendon College will not accept children to its early learning centre under the “conscientious objection” criteria.
NUTS and similar foods that cause allergies: With the rise and rise of conditions such as anaphylaxis some schools deal with protecting affected children differently. There are some with blanket bans of nuts and foods with traces of nuts.
Lots of schools ban a variety of nuts.
PARKING: A constant bugbear for schools trying to manage parents dropping off and picking up kids. Too many to mention have cautioned parents not to stop in the middle of the road to let off their kids, park in the teachers’ car park and double park. Local councils are vigilant, issuing parking tickets for illegal deeds.
PARTY INVITATIONS: Schools are trying to weigh up etiquette with protecting students from hurt when everyone in the class but them is invited to a birthday party. Opponents say seeing everyone invited to the party but you builds resilience. But many schools have taken the view that if everyone is invited to the party, the invitations can be handed out at school. Otherwise parents can do it discretely. Brighton Grammar does not allow invitations to be handed out at school unless all class members are invited.
PIERCINGS: A vexed issue for many schools. Some dictate that only plain studs and sleepers can be worn. Some schools are more lenient. Other schools have more lenient policies for senior schools in VCE level.
Carey Grammar allows middle and senior girls “one small, plain metal sleeper or stud per earlobe” Boys in the junior and middle school are not allowed any piercings. Boys in the Carey senior school are allowed a small sleeper or stud per earlobe.Carey does not allow any eyebrow, nose, lip or chin rings or studs.
The deadly dangers of a packed lunch
SCHOOL BANKING: Coburn Primary School Council, in Melton, decided to park its school banking pending the outcome of ASIC investigations in the financial sector.
SHARING FOOD: Another no, no in an effort to manage food intolerances. But trading a piece of homemade hedgehog for a mini packet of Tiny Teddies never gets old.
SMOKING: Since 2015 smoking has been banned within four metres of any entrance to a Victorian school. That includes teachers and staff.
SOCIAL MEDIA: A minefield for schools and when students upload material that is detrimental to them and the school, when the school finds out about it, they can be in all sorts of trouble. Very hard to regulate but huge potential for reputational damage. Most schools are really clear about the requirements and most students have to sign agreements. Cases include students creating memes using photographs of teachers in an unflattering way.
SUNSMART: Many schools have a ‘no hat, no play” type policy where children who don’t have a hat can’t play outside. Once this happens enough times the children usually learn to have a hat or keep a spare at school. But sharing hats is a no go zone as that might spread head lice.
SUSTAINABILITY: The conversation around the environment has spread to the classroom where the issues are covered in the subjects. Individual schools are championing ways to cut waste. Many of these are student led. Melbourne Girls’ College is one of a number of schools working hard to cut single use waste. Students are encouraged to employ reusable cutlery and single use cutlery is not available at the canteen. Some schools also have drop off points for old phones, text books and the like so they can be recycled and reused. Many schools have “nude” lunch days where they encourage less packaging.
SWEARING: We might be more relaxed but bad language is still not allowed. Policing it is another issue.
TATTOOS: Carey Grammar mentions tattoos in its uniform policy, saying no visible tattoos are permitted.
THERMOS FLASKS: At least one school banned thermos flasks because the school was concerned about a burns risk if the soup was too hot.
TOYS: See also Beyblades and Footy cards. Many schools have policies discouraging children from bringing loved toys to school in case they are broken, stolen or misplaced. Water pistols and Nerf guns might also be in the firing line.
TERM HOLIDAYS: As students approach the pointy end of their education schools look down on absences from school during term. Cheapskate parents wanting to snare cheap shoulder season holiday deals are often the worst offenders. Schools all press the point but Melbourne High School principal Jeremy Ludowyke took a more direct path, telling families that students were expected to be at end of year assemblies or they may risk missing out on their chosen subjects for the following year.
Many schools have banned their students ordering takeaway from delivery services like Uber Eats.
UBER EATS: The delivery services and other similar business have been ordered out of schools. Hungry students looking for something to eat try to get around the rules, having food passed through fences. But a number of schools have put their foot down, saying they don’t want unauthorised people on campus. Among school taking a stand are Melbourne Girls College, Canterbury Girls High School and St Catherine’s.
UNIFORMS: Possibly the source of the most disquiet. While some schools do not have a uniform, many prefer to have a uniform as it means everyone dresses the same. The level of policing varies considerably and, arguably, image conscious private schools are more strict. Rules around wearing blazers are often the most vexxed. Lengths of dresses and skirts for girls is a common cause if dispute.
Fitzroy High School, which does not have a uniform, has a dress code in which it asks students not to wear clothes that are “offensive, too short, too brief, exposes too much skin. including midriff and shoulders”. This is informed by SunSmart principles and that certain clothing may interfere with students doing their work.
WORKING WITH CHILDREN: Parents, carers and others are not allowed to do volunteer jobs around schools unless they have a Working With Children clearance. They are free for volunteers but another thing to add to the admin load.
I DIDNT WRITE THIS IT COMES FROM THE HERALD SUN NEWSPAPER. ONE OF THE MANY DIGITAL NEWSPAPERS I SUBSCRIBE TO.
Ms Inman Grant said the average Australian house has 17.5 devices that could be controlled remotely through bluetooth or cloud-based internet services.
She said the Office of the eSafety Commissioner was negotiating with 30 hi-tech companies to build-in better security for “smart’’ appliances.
“It’s an important cultural change for technology companies to undertake,” she said.
Women’s Services Network (WESNET) has given 15,000 free Telstra phones to women fleeing domestic violence, after their partners tracked them on their old phones.
■ When it is safe to do so, change passwords/passcodes on all accounts and devices
■ Turn off GPS and Bluetooth on devices, unless they are absolutely necessary
■ Use a safe (‘clean’) device and a new email address for safety planning – but remember to keep using the old ones too
■ On social media, be careful about who you add as a friend and what you post about your location or activities
■ Check your children’s accounts and devices and help them understand the need to be cautious online during this time
I DIDNT WRITE THIS IT CAME FROM THE HERALD SUN NEWSPAPERS, ONE OF THE MANY DIGITAL NEWSPAPERS I SUBSCRIBE TO.
From Brighton to Footscray, what your suburb’s coat of arms should look like
14:18 May 07 2019 Times Read: 1,213
From Brighton to Footscray, what your suburb’s coat of arms should look like
HERALDRY, a tradition dating back centuries, is a formalised and complex allocation of coats of arms to families and places.
Some areas of Melbourne have their own coat of arms, many drawn more than a century ago.
But they’re not really with the times.
Here are some suggestions for some new designs that better reflect modern Melbourne.
WHY MELBOURNE BEATS VIENNA ANY DAY
THE WATERFRONT WAR THAT CHANGED OUR WORKPLACES
BRIGHTON
A leisure yacht above face filler, a luxury car brand and a beach box that cost more than a house in the outer suburbs.
Supported by twin golden retrievers whose combined vet bills total more than the GDP of some small Pacific countries.
Marc Murphy is a supporter on Carlton’s coat of arms.
CARLTON
Italian food, coffee and organised crime immortalised by popular culture below a disused promotional Vespa.
Marc Murphy and Mick Gatto are supporters.
The Chadstone coat of arms is black, like Melburnians’ favourite shade to wear.
CHADSTONE
Irresponsible credit card expenditure above a whole bunch of designer brands, many of whose clothes are made in southeast Asia.
Supported by skinny people.
Iron Man watches over Docklands on the suburb’s coat of arms.
DOCKLANDS
Marvel branding, mini golf and Airbnb below a Melbourne Star wheel pod that sometimes turns.
Supported by two stoic bachelor filing cabinets.
Flemington’s emblem is pretty in pink.
FLEMINGTON
Yellow sparkling wine, hangover remedy and betting slip as a crest.
Supported by a horse, a drunk man supporting a drunk woman and topped with another drunk simulating a sexual act on a Pringle container.
Franco Cozzo makes an appearance on Footscray’s coat of arms.
FOOTSCRAY
A busy PSO and bulldog as supporters.
Confiscated knives, illegal fireworks and Franco Cozzo, below the West Gate Bridge.
Not one, but two Tigers on Richmond’s emblem.
RICHMOND
The Dimmy’s tower above Dusty, discarded syringes and gelato.
Supporters are a tiger and a spaced-out local.
A white elephant is fitting for Spring St’s coat of arms.
SPRING ST
Peter Marshall and a lobster are supporters to a red shirt, Sky News and a white elephant, symbolising state government project management tradition.
Like many Melbourne suburbs, sky rail is above.
I DIDNT WRITE THIS IT COMES FROM THE HERALD SUN ONE OF THE MANY DIGITAL NEWSPAPERS I SUBSCRIBE TO
10 TYPES OF RELATY SHOW PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE DESERVE
14:01 May 07 2019 Times Read: 1,214
The popularity of Married At First Sight proves once again that the human evolutionary process is far from complete.
As reality shows continue to offer content that is, in fact, far from reality, Melburnians deserve programming that accurately reflects day to day life.
Here are ten ideas for truly real reality TV shows that networks should absolutely produce.
THE BACHELOR DEGREE
A group of Arts graduates specialising in film and gender studies gradually realise they are under qualified as they all compete for the same white collar job.
Those who do not receive a rose must go and work in hospitality.
Nick Cummins infamously chose neither of the final girls in The Bachelor finale.
Just like the recent controversial series of The Bachelor, the employer reserves the right to hire none of them after they all interview terribly and those given probation stuff it up.
DECIDING WHAT TO WATCH ON NETFLIX AT FIRST SIGHT
After psychologists match up couples most likely to fight on camera, the strangers are thrust under a doona with a tablet device to meet for the first time and decide what to watch on Netflix.
Arguments over genre, who’s seen what previously and who’s leeching off whose account come to a head in a passive-aggressive battle royale ending in scrappy compromises and, ultimately, one or both of the participants nodding off.
I’M AT A PARENT TEACHER INTERVIEW, GET ME OUT OF HERE
Pulled from the comfort of modern life and pushed into a dangerous environment where their own failings will be laid bare, the eye of the camera follows bad parents, bad students and bad teachers and they attempt to shuffle blame at a fold-out table in a school gymnasium.
Truly, no-one wants to be here.
Each party is given the chance to rat on the others in bitchy to-camera segments, and eventually it is agreed that the worst problems can be blamed on the structure of the curriculum.
WEST GATE TRUCKERS
Wrestling daily with the feeling that the road beneath them could spontaneously fall away, these trans-Yarra truckers battle roadworks, frequent lane closures and their own wits as they haul goods to and from Melbourne’s West.
Just like its namesake show set in the far northern hemisphere, every episode is bound to be more or less the same: boring, risky and infuriating.
ASSEMBLING FLAT-PACK FURNITURE WITH THE STARS
Actors, politicians and musicians in the twilight of their careers are paired up and told to put together furniture for a medium-sized home.
Physical fitness, persistence and emotional strength are tested as fingernails are broken on Allen keys and instructions are perilously ignored.
KEEPING UP WITH THE IOS SOFTWARE UPDATES
A show about people who are famous for doing very little, sitting around and constantly downloading and endless cavalcade of software updates for their iPhones and iPads.
It never ends.
BODY CORPORATE ISLAND
A throng of hot-blooded party-goers are shipped to an island where they drink by day and have to allocate funding for plumbing at night.
Haunted by all the things they never considered were involved in apartment block maintenance, the contestants must form quorate meetings and argue about leaky underground car parks, broken lifts, scuffed paintwork and testing fire extinguishers.
You know the fireworks would fly.
Tensions rise as meetings of previous meetings are doctored and one elderly resident refuses to cave on taking the cheapest, dodgiest option for waste removal.
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF INCARCERATED CRIMS
With a lot of time on their hands while their small-time crook husbands serve two and a half for armed robbery, these women really know how to live it up.
Strutting their stuff on the hard government carpet of Centrelink and the potholed bitumen of the Woolies car park, the day to day activities of these first ladies of petty crime will bore and confuse you, much like Real Housewives of Melbourne.
I DIDNT WRITE THIS IT CAME FROM THE HERALD SUN ONE OF THJE MANY DIGITAL NEWSPAPERS I SUBSCRIBE TO
8 TIMES OF NEIGHBOURS EVERY PERSON HAS LIVED NEAR TO
13:52 May 07 2019 Times Read: 1,215
Eight types of neighbours every Melburnian has lived near
They say good neighbours become good friends.
But try doing that when they leave notes on your car telling you where to park, or secretly put their stuff in your bin.
Here are eight types of neighbours you will encounter in Melbourne suburbs.
COUNCIL WARRIOR
The council warrior might as well front up to meetings at city hall dressed in highlander gear.
Even before the final nail has been driven through the yellow planning sign at the front of a property on the street, this neighbour has lodged a complaint.
Firing from a machine gun nest of legal experience with an insurmountable grudge against council bureaucracy, this neighbour will fight to the bitter end against inappropriate development, heritage overlays, rezoning or ugly toilet blocks.
Known for the motto, “I’ll bloody well run for council if they keep trashing the place like this.”
RATBAG KIDS
It’s not just the old cars with red P-plates hanging out of the driveway and obstructing the footpath that annoy you about these kids.
It’s the loud music at 2am, the discovery of bottles and cigarettes while gardening, the continual spectre of the road toll every time they speed down the street and the kerbside vomit that lingers after the weekend until it rains.
If a tyre is ever slashed, a window ever broken or a bin ever vandalised, just call the cops and point them towards those ratbag kids.
HOODIE MCMETHLAB
Can’t wait until the street features on the news and old mate is carted off.
A solitary, stubbled bloke in his 20s who gets nervous whenever Jehovahs Witnesses come to the door, this neighbour is rarely seen because he loves wearing a hoodie and keeping the blinds shut.
God knows why his garden is so overgrown and water always seems to be gushing from his down pipe.
It would surely have nothing to do with the production of a commercial quantity of drugs.
Everyone’s looking forward to the street being on the news when old mate’s amateur lab gets knocked over by the cops.
NOTE WRITER
Hi, would you please avoid parking in front of our place? Thanks.
Hi, would you please keep the noise down on Saturday afternoons? Thanks.
Hi, would you please make sure your bins are taken in as soon as garbage is collected? Thanks.
Hi, would you please make sure your pets are on their leashes at all times near our property? Thanks.
The global deforestation crisis is worsened by this neighbour’s constant and habitual note writing, which often simply encourages neighbours to do the opposite.
TRASH PILER
The aim of the trash piler is to make the streetscape so unappealing that eventually someone else will clean up the mess.
Christmas was more than four months ago and that tree lying dead on the nature strip has stopped looking festive.
It’s not hard rubbish season but a mound of broken old furniture and a Sesame St high chair are forming a fire hazard near the driveway.
That’s OK. These days you can call the council and arrange to have your rubbish removed.
But this neighbour never calls. The rubbish remains until someone else deals with it or sets it on fire.
MEMORY KEEPER
This lady, who was already on the age pension when decimal currency was introduced, knows more about the street than anyone.
With a willingness to recount tales of floods in the 90s, a fire in the 80s and sandbags in the 40s, she can remember when her mother bought land straight off the government subdivision and, at a stretch, can remember the indigenous people who lived there before that.
It pays to sit and listen over a cuppa before her memories are lost to time.
BIN BANDIT
Stealing your bin space is the bread and butter of the bin bandit.
It’s a familiar tale.
You pop out to the kerb late on bin night to dispose of some extra bottles.
But, lifting the lid, you discover something has been robbed from you.
Your precious bin space is now occupied by a box from a new microwave or a bunch of tree clippings.
This is the work of the bin bandit.
Having exhausted their own resources, this anonymous prowler now off their unsuspecting neighbours.
SILENT STRANGER
Despite living 40m away from this neighbour for more than a decade, you wouldn’t know them from a bar of soap.
It takes a fire evacuation for you to meet the people who live in the apartment below you, or it takes misdirected mail for you to meet the people who have lived across the road for fifteen years but on whom you swear you have never laid eyes.
You inevitably have the same question of each other: “How long have you been living here?”
I DIDNT WRITE THIS IT CAME FROM THE HERALD SUN ONE OF THE MANY DIGITAL NEWSPAPERS I SUBSCRIBE TO.
40 REASONS YOU KNOW WINTER IS COMING IN MELBOURNE WHEN
14:08 May 01 2019 Times Read: 1,242
YOU KNOW WINTER IS COMING IN MELBOURNE WHEN …
1. The brief season between hay fever season and flu season is spent with a head cold.
2. Puffy jackets are back.
3. Leopard skin leggings make way for leopard skin vests and leopard skin jumpers.
4. It is still mathematically possible for you to win the footy tipping comp.
5. A train cancellation makes you feel like Scott of the Antarctic.
Melbourne commuters during a winter train cancellation.
6. The local cafe has stopped advertising iced coffee, and the soup cauldron has re-emerged.
7. Your evening stroll no longer calls for sunscreen and insect repellent, but now requires trackies and a beanie.
8. It gets dark while Eddie’s still on the TV.
9. Melbourne supporters are eagerly checking the webcams at Buller.
10. Brushing your hair means nothing if you intend to go past the front door.
11. Being a smoker is getting harder by the day.
12. Gold 104.3 is playing less Beach Boys and more Simon and Garfunkel.
13. The dress code at Southland has shifted from thongs to sneakers to Ugg boots.
Make sure your winter dress code is up to date.
14. The days of rushing home with meat or milk from the supermarket to make sure it gets in the fridge are over.
15. Your morning coffee now doubles as a hot water bottle.
16. You’re Googling recipes for the slow cooker.
17. Dogs of the inner north and east are wearing designer garments.
18. The size of the heating bill and the airconditioning bill have intersected.
19. No more invitations to moonlight cinema.
20. People are talking up St Kilda’s chances.
21. It’s stopped being illegal to light a fire at home, and is now looking like a pretty good idea.
22. Plums are in season.
A real estate worker prepares for winter.
23. Real estate agents are going into hibernation.
24. Only the hardest, most smooth-legged cyclists are still at it.
25. You are in awe at how a single tree can hold four wheelie bins full of leaves.
26. Shedding season is over and the pets are furring up.
27. You get excited about wearing coats for the first time in eight months, then realise the trade off is having your face frozen off.
28. Arbory Afloat is getting dismantled.
See you in November, Aperol spritz.
29. The casserole cookbook is out again.
30. The familiar orange glow of the electric blanket control has returned to your bedtime.
RELATED CONTENT
Tony Mokbel leaves Melbourne Magistrates Court with his lawyer, Nicola Gobbo.
Mokbel tried to blackmail Gobbo with ‘sex tapes’
Mokbel tried to blackmail Gobbo with ‘sex tapes’
Teacher in empty classroom
TAFEs losing students despite free courses
TAFEs losing students despite free courses
31. You switch from white to red. Cider is out and stout is in.
The first red of the season heralds colder weather.
32. Your Netflix and UberEATS habit is entirely enabled by the elements.
33. Lip balm is as important as breathing.
34. Tattoos are tucked away to be revealed again in late September.
35. The gutters are clogged as.
36. Alfresco dining is no longer appealing.
37. The winter school uniforms are out from the mothballs.
38. You’ve stopped going to the supermarket or shopping centre to stay cool and you’re starting to go there to keep warm.
39. The lawn goes from dead to dead with patches that are alive.
40. Amateur fire pit welders are a dime a dozen at Bunnings.
I DIDNT WRITE THIS IT CAME FROM THE HERALD SUN NEWSPAPER, ONE OF THE MANY DIGITAL NEWSPAPERS I SUBSCRIBE TO.
WHEN HUMANS DIE
THEY WRITE THEIR TESTAMENT
TO LEAVE THEIR HOME AND ALL THEY OWN
TO SOMEONE THEY LOVE.
I WOULD DO SUCH
IF I COULD WRITE
TO A POOR DESPARATE LONELY STRAY
I WOULD GIVE
MY HAPPY HOME,MY BOWL MY COSY BED
MY SOFT TOYS AND PILLOW,
THE SO LOVED LAP
AND TENDERLY STROKING HAND,
THE LOVELY VOICE
THE PLACE I HAD IN SOMEONE;S HEART,
THE LOVE THAT AT LAST
HELPED ME FIND A PEACEFUL END,
HELD FIRMLY IN A SHELTERING EMBRACE.
WHEN I DIE PLEASE DONT SAY
I WILL NEVER HAVE A PET AGAIN,
AS THE LOSS IS FAR TOO MUCH TO STAND,
CHOOSE A LONELY UNLOVED UNWANTED STRAY
AND GIVE THEM MY PLACE -
THIS IS MY INHEREITENCE
THE LOVE I LEAVE BEHIND
IS ALL I HAVE TO GIVE.
THIS WAS NOT WRITTEN BY ME, ITS ON THIS TAG , BUT IN VERY SMALL WRITING WHICH IS WHY I WROTE IT OUT.
I KNOW YOU CANT SEE ME
BUT TRUST ME I AM RIGHT HERE,
ALTHOUGH I AM UP IN HEAVEN
MY LOVE FOR YOU STAYS NEAR.
SO OFTEN I SEE YOU CRYING
ABND HEAR YA'LL CALL MY NAME,
I WANT TO LICK YOUR FCE
AND EASE SOME OF YOUR PAIN.
I WISH THATI COULD MAKE YOU SEE
THAT HEAVEN INDEED IS REAL
IF YA'LL COULD SEE ME RUN AND PLAY
HOW MUCH BETTER YA'LL WOULD FEEL.
BUT OUR LOVING GOD HAS PROMISED ME
THAT WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT
YOU''LL STEP OUT OF THE DARKNESS
AND MEET ME IN THE LIGHT.
THIS WAS NOT WRITTEN BY ME IT WAS COPIED FROM THIS TAG.
COMMENTS
-