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My life;
I’m constantly stressed out in my current relationship.

I go to work to improve my life to generate more revenue. Every time my weekend comes up, I see a house full of dishes. Floors that are completely dirty. Usually, a ¼ inch thickness of grease underneath, and on the griddle.

My wife believes that if she cooks any meals at all then dishes should be done by since I don’t cook as often. We make an agreement for me to do the dishes, and her to empty the dishwasher. She will often instead do the dishes then not empty the dishwasher which leaves me to do the dishes and empty the dishwasher.

My wife will consistently be glued to a screen. Whether it’s watching drama shows on tv of various degrees and varieties under the guise that she enjoys it via diagnosing the different behaviors. Yet her own mental health is in complete disarray. According to her suffering from anxiety, emotional stress, and negative thoughts. Yet her way of dispensing these thoughts is watching the negativity of lives displayed on screen. Taking that into herself.

My wife often explodes eventually when her body can no longer take any more of the negative build up. This explosion is usually when I’m around her. Even if it’s other people or things that are causing the stress I will get the blowback from it. It’s all so consistent that any conversation of depth that is centered around self-improvement or trying new things is usually shut down. It’s because it’s too much change is normally the reason.

Yet I’m expected to continuously work around the clock. Work at work. Work at home. When I do take rests I feel like there is silent resentment from my wife. Why does he get to rest especially if my wife feels as though she is doing a lot of work. Which is often the case. The reason why it’s usually seen as so much is because it’s typically last minute rush work or just sitting around waiting for someone else to do it (Usually waiting on me). My wife keeps imploring me to go to the gym, to go outside, to do this or do that for self-improvement. Yet she won’t work on her own self-improvement with new measures instead of continually trying the old broken that haven’t had a profound impact or lasting change.

Sometimes I think of selling all the technology in the house that allows the watching or streaming of shows, and movies. Not only would this force action in this house. It would all so save around $125 dollar a month or more in streaming services.

Yet this would mean getting of the cell phones as well which in todays society is something is not plausible because so much is done on the smartphone. That would become the new tv for streaming. Whether its YouTube, tik tok or something else.

It’s usually up to me arrange the workouts or find the new church. I don’t know how much more of this I can take…..I’m overweight, overstressed, and tired all the time. (Yes an over amount of stress can tire a person out because it’s burns them out mentally. Where the mind goes the body follows it.)

Yet when I bring these up it met with defensive gestures. This is what I do to relax. This helps me out. It isn’t until someone states it that the changes are made or taken seriously.

If I bring up my stress, it’s usually not really taken seriously. Yet I’m expected by my wife to keep changing and improving. My marriage is in a rut. I can’t for the life of me find a solution. It seems from the fact that the solution can’t come from me by myself. It has to be a willingness on the part of my wife to improve this unorganized, and chaotic nature which is destroying our marriage, and lives all at once.

I don’t honestly believe my wife trusts me anymore after so many mishaps in our relationship. I all so think that the idea of divorce scares her into inaction. She feels like it will live her “alone.” She won’t be alone. In fact, I wonder sometimes if it would be better for both of us to separate. Maybe not divorce. Just take some time from one another so we can find ourselves again. Then come back together.

It’s amazing what person can accomplish when they must improve themselves by themselves. It forces them into action. In my case it would be shedding my physical weight. In her case it would be working on her mental health. I think if it happened it would honestly be like a renewal of vowels coming back together. It would be refreshing for both of us.
Imagine if I presented this idea to my wife. She would probably think I was just coming up with a more discreet method of abandoning her. All I want is for us both to be together with the strength of when we first met. I feel like we are just tired in general anymore. Disconnected yet still together.

There is constant misinterpretation of facial expressions. We seldom seem to be able to communicate our serious thoughts to one another anymore. At least I can’t because it always feels like I’m walking on ice anymore. An ice bed of emotion that often collapses beneath my feet. Again, when I go to relay these thoughts I just can’t. It’s like my soul, and brain both send a block in my throat to keep me from talking about it.

Like they are both screaming. She won’t listen to you.

She will just say what you want to hear to appease you so the conversation can stop.
She will just have an emotional fit to stop the conversation saying she can’t take anymore.
She will nullify it by flipping it back on you.
She will not really acknowledge it in her mind. Just display acknowledgement to get you to stop bringing up ideas of improvement.
She will apologize even though there is every intent to just keep doing the same things wrong just to get you to shut up about it then apologize again for it with the expectation to keep being forgiven.

I’ve never forgiven a single person in my life so many times for repeated wrongdoing against me. Not even my own mother. Yet I continuously subject myself to this broken record of hurt. I don’t know why I do it either. Why I keep putting myself through it again, again, and again.

Is it worth it?? If I had to answer I guess, I would say “yes” right now because I’m still putting up with it. Still married. Remain faithful despite the feeling of being treated like shit. Like well he is kind to me so I will just keep behaving this way because he will continue to deal with it.

When he states thoughts to the contrary, I will just blow up, and yell at him saying he is abandoning me like everyone else or it’s the Mcclairen way not being able to stay married. Anything to shame him into staying with me since I know he will continue to put up with the behavior. I’m scared no one else will put up with my chaos, and lack of organization.
It’s okay to leave things laying around without returning them to where they are supposed to go. It’s okay to dirty things up as soon as they are clean. We shouldn’t pay for cleaning service. Yet we can afford to bring a teenager who has a ton of problems into our household. Repeat of history. (Ezekiel) She is always trying to provide to somebody else instead of getting the help she needs to organize herself.

Like it would be a sin to be organized. To led a less chaotic life.
I can’t keep this up forever. I’m running out of energy to keep this marriage together by myself. To keep it as organized, and chaos free as possible.

As a man am I wrong for any of the thoughts expressed above. Does it make me weak. Not capable of holding a marriage together.
I guess only time will tell……to be continued.