The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The space shuttle Columbia walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "why the long face?"

The space shuttle Columbia tearfully replies, "I just broke up with my crew."

Q: How many dead babies can you fit into a barrel?
A: Three and a half.

A drunkard walks by a catholic church and notices the congregation is leaving. He walks up to one of them and asks "Is mass out?"

The gentleman seems genuinely confused, and requests that the drunkard turn around a couple of times. The drunkard complies. The gentleman shakes his head and says, "No, but your hat's on crooked."

Q: How many turds does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They're all pieces of shit.

There once was a man from Dilveni
Who would do anything for a penny
But for half of that sum
You could roger his bum
And that was enteratinment for plenty

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

A Catholic couple is about to get married, and the woman sits the man down for a heart-to-heart the day before the wedding. She says, "Honey, before we do this, I have something I need to get off my chest. You see, a few years back, my family was very poor, and for a while I had to work as a prostitute."
The man leaps out of his chair and shouts, "Oh no, absolutely not! I can't get married to you!"
The woman starts crying, and begs him to forgive her, "Please don't leave me - surely you can live with a woman who used to be a bit of a whore..."
The man sits down and says, "Oh, that's fine. For a minute I thought you said Protestant."

Q: Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?

A: He had to work it out with a pencil.

Necrophilia - When she doesn't say no, sit back and pop a cold one. It's also dead sexy.

Two drunkards are walking in the woods, and nearby, they spot a man taking a dump. The first drunkard says to the second, "I'll sneak up behind him and knock him out, then you take his cigar."

Your mom is so fat, that the recursive algorithm used to calculate her gravitational pull results in a stack overflow.

TL:DR - Yo momma so fat, her nickname is "DAYUM!"

Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?

A: Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP.

Q: What do male sea lions, the space shuttle Challenger and tylenol have in common?

A: They're all looking for a tight seal.