The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

you dont need me any more



because you have him

because you bearly talk to me

because your growing away from me

because you say you love me but then he plays with the key board and I feel like im being laughed at

because he says your crazy for thinking your going to be with me

because you do everything with him and im not there

because you make me cry and you dont understand why

because you where not excited when I gave you a ring

because I feel less of a person to you now

because you dont see what its doing to me

because I dont feel your there any more

because I feel a distance there now





because this is coming to an end like a slow moving train wreck and I'm forst to watch it



because of the damage I have from past relationships I know the signs.... and I never thought this would happen again



and it is



and you dont even see it



you dont need me any more......

What would you do if love said no again?



I'ed put a gun to my head and pull the trigger but I doubt that would work.... nothing else has, and I've tryed almost everything else....



Mind you I finally found something that hurts.... I feel pain now.... I'm not totaly numb....



I wonder if she knew what she did?



How much it ment to me.....



how much the smallest things mean so much....



I'm sick of empty words....



I'm sick of how most of the creatures on this planet just eat sleep shit and fuck



so sick of it all.....



So fucking sick....



its like watching a train crash in slow motion or like when I stood and watched the Hinderburg come down.....



you cant look away.... you just stand and watch.... as everything goes to hell....



as everything goes away.....



away....

Wakeing up to an empty room. The left side of my body and my neck hurts. I'm drinking green tea, and I want to do nothing.



All day I sat here, and waited for something.... and for what.... nothing.



Is this a hint.... am I waiting for...... nothing?

The cycle continues.... I wake up I work on the apartment..... I lose track of time.... I sit for 3 hours and we chat.... then she leaves.... then I get depressed.... lonely..... and then.... I drink till I pass out.



Rince Wash Repeat....



How long can I keep doing this to myself?

After me freaking out for 20 mins.... she quitly sits there crying, and then looks up at me and tells me im an idiot for thinking what I was.... she doesnt want any one else. She actually only wants to be with me.



THis made me realize something.... how damaged have I become? I cant see whats right in front of me? Makes me angry actually not at me or her.... at the people who did the things they did that made me who I am today.



It would be a long list..... my father..... X girl friends.... males that butted there heads into my relationships.... a teacher in grade 3..... its a long shit list.



I really need to shut up and just except this.... there is an amazing person who loves me dispite all my issues, and with all the issues I have I should be thanking god for this chance. Why would any one want to spend the rest of there existance with me? A sucker for punishment maybe.... or maybe shes as crazy as I am?



She gave me a speech about how we'll be able to take care of each other how I'll see she'll never leave me.... I'm the only one for her..... I'm amazed.



I don't know what to say..... isent this what I always wanted? Someone to spend forever with?



Forever....

I think this sums up how I feel right now....



-=-



Mono Play 0 Instent Love Messenger



I don't know what I did wrong

again again I fell in love

this girl was pretty young

she broke my heart I wrote this song



message on my mobile phone

i still like you i still like you

shut up bitch and fuck you now

made me fall and I taught you how

everyone that came around says

beware of her beware of her

I just came around and said never never



your cuiteness dazzels me but you all no longer mistify me

you sweet 80's girl you know to hurt you know to hurt

your cuiteness dazzels me but you all no longer mistify me

you sweet 80's girl you know to hurt you know to hurt



I was blinded by the light it brought to me a lovely sight

but after all is clear all the words where full of tears

but you did never care buy love was good to kill your fears

im sitting on my ass still beleaveing you willed the past



everyone that came around says

beware of her beware of her

I just came around and said never never



your cuiteness dazzels me but you all no longer mistify me

you sweet 80's girl you know to hurt you know to hurt

your cuiteness dazzels me but you all no longer mistify me

you sweet 80's girl you know to hurt you know to hurt

you sweet 80's girl

you sweet 80's girl you sweet

you sweet 80's girl you sweet

you sweet 80's girl you sweet

sweet sweet sweet sweet sweet sweet

sweet sweet sweet sweet sweet sweet

Every day for 3 hours she comes online, and we talk.... today nothing.... I know she has not been feeling well.... I know shes depressed stuck where she is to.



I'm worried :(

I keep things to myself.... I don't tend to rant on about the positive things do I? There is someone in my life that these days for 3 hours makes all the difference. No its not a shrink.



Its been months now.... and my feelings have not changed. I'm connected to this person on a level I've never felt with any one else. I don't know what she is but there is defenitly something more to her then would appear.



I'm not used to people wanting to keep me like this its taken alot of getting used to. Even more so when someone says they want to keep you and only you forever.



What do I call her? A girl friend? No that would be much to simple.... a lover? No shes to far away right now. Future wife? I said I'ed never get married..... I said I'ed never want kids.... I said alot of things over the years.



Yet I'm strangly comfortable with this.... dispite somethings like language differences.... I only speek the father lands toung in passing.... I am no great scoller of the language. As she her english is good when writen not so good at times spoken.



Its a big change for me to have someone wanting to be here in this way.... not caring about my lifes bullshit and strangeness.... not careing about my finances.... just wanting to be with me for me.... its hard for me to except after all the times I've been misused and abused.



I think I'm coming round thoe.... I think I'm trusting her to be telling the truth... odd for me considering I dont trust my own family.



If she is all she says she is.... as I am all I say I am forever is more then do able. I just wish I knew what she was because shes not like anything I've ever incountered before.... not so much a magical presents as a life force. Something so strong found some place you would least suspect. To others she might be seen as weak where she comes from. But 8000 miles away I feel something I've never felt from anything else on this planet. To me thats a rear thing.



Something really truely worth holding onto..... forever.

Every major turn in my life he'es been there with a boot to the back of my skull telling me I can't do something, and here he is again.



I have an opertunity.... probley the last great one I'ed see in my life time, and what does he do point out everything reason why it wont work not maybe.... but why it wont work.



I've spent the past 3 weeks painting this place, and for what? to watch him brake another promess to me. I need this I need to tear everything to shreds and make it my own.... soon I'll inharit all this. If I live long enough to do it.... he'es sertonly going out with a bang, and doing all he can to make sure I crack and do something to go out before him.



I have not put it to words here the full situation I just use this place to vent to get it out of my system. Most of my life they've been pretty understanding. They've seen me take night jobs, jobs indoors. Right now I'm faceing a battle in medical terms.... how do I explane it to work docters and everyone wtfs gotten me so depressed whats gotten me on the edge like this? I want to be here.... I want to be in my parents lives till the end.... I want to responsability of helping out.... but it just seems the more they say in return they'll do shit for me the more they never do.



To my shock this morning he thanked me for me renovation work then informed me I'ed have to start paying rent in a family owned property to him?



Stupid asshole all our credits tired togeather.... you have all my money you twat! every cent thats come into this family has always gone into that big pot....



I'm a bird in a guilded cage.... I'm free to only do and go as far as they'll let me.... if he only knew what I'm about to go through.... 2 and a half months of this.... plus then a 6 month battle after words.... yeah its worth it.... it is....



But the only person whos really in my corner right now is 8000 miles away.



I'm glad I dident get that prescription filled for sleeping pills.... cuz right now I'ed be very tempted to take the bottle and chace it down with liqure....



I'm not that strong.... and the sickening part is I think he knows this all to well.... and I think he'es pushing me on purpose.... I think he wants a repeat of 4 years ago but this time he wants me to finish the job....



If I move away he'll cut me off totaly.... if I stay it will kill me.... I wish I knew wtf I was sapose to do.

Emilie Autumn lyrics -



-Dead Is The New Alive -



Dead is the new alive

Despair's the new survival

A pointless point of view

Give in, give in, give in, give in

You play the game

You never win



Dead is the new alive

Life's only living rival

A casket built for two

Give in, give in, give in, give in

You play the game

You never win



So take me now or take me never

I won't wait

You're already late

So say goodbye or say forever

Choose your fate

How else can we survive?

Dead is the new alive



Dead is the new alive

A gothic play revival

The last act of the show

Give in, give in, give in, give in

You play the game

You never win



So take me now or take me never

I won't wait

You're already late

So say goodbye or say forever

Choose your fate

How else can we survive?

Dead is the new alive



What is a day without a blessed night?

And what is peace without a blessed fight?

What is a day without a blessed night?

And what is peace without a blessed, blessed, blessed fight?

A quick taste of the poison, a quick twist of the knife

When the obsession with death

The obsession with death becomes a way of life

A quick taste of the poison, a quick twist of the knife

When the obsession with death

The obsession with death becomes a way of life



Alive, alive alive

Oh oh oh oh oh

Alive, alive, alive

Oh oh oh oh oh

Alive, alive, alive

Oh oh oh oh oh

Alive, alive, alive

Oh oh oh oh oh

Dead is the new alive

Alive, alive alive

Dead is the new alive

Alive, alive alive

Alive

Dead is the new alive

Alive

Dead is the new alive

Dead is the new alive

Dead is the new alive

Dead is the new alive

Dead is the new alive

Dead is the new alive

Dead is the new alive

Dead is the new alive

(Dead is the new alive)