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I woke from a nightmare to another one. I hate human beings why do I bother. Lessons leard don't like people they just let you down. Don't like things they'll just get taken away... When someone says there lonely just say G that's to bad. Don't get played don't get suckered in. Don't care about people it's just asking for it.



Just let go they'll get what's coming to them.... Fuck it!

Then it all goes really wrong....



I wish someone loved me....



I wish I had some place to go to.....



But I don't.....



In the end all I have is a hole where my heart should be..... this place holds to many ghost's to many broken words..... I've been lied to way to much....



I need to start doing things like making sure I have bags.... maybe a back pack....



I think it's time to leave.... this place makes me way to sad.

The dreams stop.... and the city takes on a almost Silent Hill quality to it.... I have seen that girl since....



Then again I see no one but strangers.... no one returns calls.... or texts.... all but one person...



its all to quite



way to quite.....

For several nights the dreams.... I go to sleep I wake up there.... then last night because the bead fell out of my lip ring for the first time in a year and a half I set foot inside of a mall....



I went to 5 different stores.... then..... in the last one.... while bent down looking at the jeweler..... she walked in.....



For a split second everything slowed down almost like bullet time.... between the wracks she looks over at me and smiles like something that is going to eat you for dinner.... she walks past..... time does not regain its normal momentum.... she stands behind me talking to friends and says she has to go home to get ready to go out....



I walk out of the store head realign I wander to the food court get veggie str fry and sit down.... the next 30 mins are hell as time speeds up and slows down.... I finally toss my trays contence into the garbage and stagger out of the mall.... I have a smoke out side still my sense of time seems really off....



Was I seeing things was that the same girl I've woken up next to in my dreams for the past few nights.... she looked the same her voice was the same that look she gave me....



I leave the mall I drive to another coffee shop I drink 2 larges.... at the end of the second cup I see 3 shadows come over the hill and start to walk down the road next to the coffee place 2 guys way up in front and a girl....... in a black dress.... head hung forwards that slowly turns to wards me as she pass'es..... and smiles



and like a brick through a stained glass window reality fractures..... every thing stops like someone hit pause.... I can tell im breathing but I cant move everything is paused stopped.... then like the flick of a switch time returns to normal..... she continues off down the street....



I've had missing time before I'll admit to that but this this is different..... I am actually seeing distortions in time.... who is this person?????



WHAT is this person????



Something feels EVIL..... very very fucking evil....

It started a few weeks ago.... these dreams of these 4 people.... they all hung out around a half abandoned mall.... there was a bar in the basement the mall is white and very blocky in a run down part of a town.



There is the tall boy goat tee glass'es wears a long black trench coat....



The slightly tall girl who always looks grumpy with stripped stockings and bits of purple in her black hair



The short guy with the greasy hair who always seems to be happy.... despite his bangs always in his eyes



and this other girl who is with him who also wears glass'es stockings is very bookish....



I do not know or have never met any one who looks like these people or seen a picture or anything.... we spend time smoking out side and wandering this mall....



The first dream I admit was odd.... the second dream I felt at home.... and then.... things got strange....



2 nights ago a 5th person a young lady with shoulder cut black hair appeared in the group when I got there in my dream.... she flirted with me smiled lots.... I ended up back at her place where I fell a sleep.... I woke up feeling very strange like I had been dream walking....



then last night when I went to sleep.... everything was dark then I herd a voice wake up..... your back here again..... I wake up shes sitting on the bed... we spent a day hanging out and talking.... the strange thing is she knows who I am where I'm from.... and knows when I go to sleep tonight I'll end up back there again almost as if my reality has become split.....



and oddly enough I wish I was sleeping I'm happy there..... I really am where ever there is....



I've gone places in my dreams before seen things I would later see or have connection to I wonder if she is real....

I wrote one last time.... and I said good bye.... and I said in my own little way you don't have to pay me back.... but also that you lost me.... I wont be there next time....



and I close the door......

Another day goes by.... No text no nothing. I don't get it why say those things to someone why make then care only to walk out of there life again. I search for answers different people have different takes on the situation. Some people say I was fucked over on purpose but she did not know I had the money to spare she could not have known it sitting on the cheep sofa in the sub basement of the house either. I mean really who chooses to live like I do and has money to burn. Unless like me you live a strange alone existence where you don't drink don't do drugs. Yes I might be driving around in $40,000 + mod'ed convertible I guess that could have tipped her off but still.



The last time we talked she said things where complicated and that she did not want to talk about it. Makes me wonder how much is bull shit and how much is real. Was it all some story guess I'll never know she's gone again.



Guess she will hunt me down when she needs me again but that's going to be hard to do. Trust me when I want to be un reachable I can be.



There was a time when in this city if you wanted to get a hold of me you COULD leave a message in serton places. One you don't know those places, and even if you knew the old ones time has changed. This city has changed....



The rule was I stay out where the house is, and I don't go into the city unless someone asked me to. You asked me to.... You let me out.... You didn't know.... And I guess they figured I would never meet any one out there.... Too late now I'm out, and by the rules your the only one who can order me back. I wonder how long it's going to be before someone notices.

Laying in bed another bad dream, and then all I want to do is get up and go out. I remember my lower back is messed up, and then it kicks in that cold feeling I get, and that rag doll like feeling of my body pulling its self back togeather. I know when I go to move ill feel better what ever went wrong with my backs going to be fixed. That cold feeling like liquid metal moves around in side of me.... Things glueing back togeather like an army of little elves weaving a fabric back togeather but it's numbed so you can't feel it the cold hides what ever it's doing all I know when the cold stops I'm good as new. Yeah I know I'm not like YOU.

Ive been in bed all day unable to move. Late last night after making myself some food something pinched in my lower back and I hAve not been able to move since. I can't walk I can't bend over I can't do anything I missed 9 hours of work today and I can't even think about sitting on the sofa to watch or play anything and sleep its kind of hard to do that when your in pain.

In bed in the dark.... So cold my spine feels like its filling up with liquid nitrogen..... It spreads slowly across my vains my body I'm shutting down again.... My head is full of white noise..... Nothing here to hold on to as I try to sleep...



Cold lonely sleep



You prefer the company of others I'm not that important

I wake up I check my messages.... and I don't move.... I start thinking again and my eyes water.... No tears run down my face that never happens any more but my eyes water and I feel that chunk of me that's missing.



And I'm not happy



And I miss you



And there are people who have seen how sad I've been the past few weeks who really would like to hurt you for your actions



But I keep my word and tell no one your name



I lay here in bed wishing you where next to me but I just feel like that will never happen :,(