The end of an era16:43 Feb 06 2010
Times Read: 780
Boring, boring Saturday.
My mother was too stressed out to wait for Ryan to get ready so she could take him out for a walk with her, so he ended up staying at home with his tired mommy who was awakened 567547 times during the night by the now very tired Ryan.
I'm just sitting in here doing nothing, Ryan only now went into his room to play... Before that he just watched some cartoons, drew a little, listened to some music and walked around not really doing anything.
I'm out of energy and ideas on how to entertain him and interact. It feels like we only do the same things over and over again and it gets boring. Perhaps I'll take him to the library this afternoon, he needs some new books. I'm going to try to put him down for a nap soon, he's been tired and whiny since he woke up, and then I'll just lay down and read. That's really what I want to do today, just lay down and read.
I must get this pressure off me that I need to entertain him every minute of the day and constantly spend time with him to nurture our relationship and our bond. I feel guilty as soon as we are not in the same room or I leave him playing by himself... Yet I do it because I can't keep my interest in cars and pretence games up for as long as he can...
He really needs some friends to play with because as it is now he's dependent on me to play with him.
I'm sitting here imagining the day when he'll be old enough to do puzzles, like real 500 or more piece puzzles or play board games... now that I LOVE and I will absolutely love doing that with him. That's much more fun than playing with puppets all day... My imagination is not that good and he wants me to talk with EVERYTHING... Be it a brush, a fork or a piece of banan, everything has a mouth to him...
I had a nightmare, kind of, last night. I dreamt that I for some reason was flying to New York (?) with some friend? And I left Ryan at home with my mother and sister. In my dream I was insanely worried about how he would sleep without me... I arrived in NY and went on the subway and then I received a phone call from my sister where I heard Ryan whining a bit in the background, my mom crying and saying that he keeps calling to nurse and that he won't go to sleep... So I panicked and checked out of my hotel, ran to the subway and couldn't figure out which one I had to take, worried about missing my flight back home and the fact that it would take many, many hours before I got back...
Then some things happened in between that but that's the basics of that I remember. I know what the dream means, obviously, it reflects my worries over leaving Ryan in the care of others at kindergarten and how on earth he is going to sleep there. Because it's happening... I went with him there yesterday to hand in my application and now it's written on paper, onthe 1st of March he's going there with me for an hour, the 2nd another hour with me, on the 3rd he's supposed to there for an hour WITHOUT me, on the 4th for 2,5h without me and finally on the 5th he's supposed to stay for 4-5h AND have a nap there...
As much as I know this is probably the best thing to do for him, he will learn so many new things, he'll make friends and discover a world outside of home, he'll learn more Swedish, he'll gain independence and all that... I will get some free time and study time, a chance to find my way back to a life where I'm something more than just a mom but...
I'm going to MISS him!!!
I'm scared to death what impact this will have on our relationship, being away from each other for 6h a day 4 days a week... I'll probably end up picking him up earlier whenever I can. In fact I don't think I'll be leaving him there for 6h before I'll start my courses on the 22nd...
I don't know how I'll get through the whole getting him used to kindergarten process, the cries, the begging, the sadness, the thought of him feeling so helpless, so lost and abandoned in an unfamiliar place full of strangers and noisy children. He is not used to that kind of environment, not at all... And whenever I take him to one, he doesn't like it very much. He always comes running to me, not feeling safe staying there by himself, getting scared. How am I supposed to leave my little baby there? I wish I didn't have to do this, let him loose in the big world full of horrors, pleasures of course, but also scary things... Things he doesn't have a clue exist. What if something happens to him? What if he hurts himself, what if someone is mean to him and I am not there to comfort him? What is he going to think of me? Where is mommy? Won't he feel abandoned by the one person in the world he trusts and loves unconditionally? Just thinking about this devastates me.
I can't imagine how I'll get through this and I don't know who will feel it worse, him or me. Perhaps I am worrying too much, there is a chance he'll learn to love kindergarten so much he won't cry at all and will in fact protest when I come to pick him up... but I don't want to imagine that scenario either, him wanting to be somewhere else more than he wants to be with me? I know it doesn't mean he'll love me less but... I want to be his number one person in the world, the one he wants to be with the most. I already know how hurt I will feel if he does come to the point where he prefers staying at the kindergarten rather than coming home with me... Am I being unreasonable? Is it unhealthy attachment? To I love him too much? What can you expect after me having spent 27 months with this child, day in and day out? Though can I really blame him if he does... Staying at home with me, from my point of view, can't be much fun for him anymore, not when there is so much more to discover, more than I can give him. Not to mention I often get bored playing with him and leave him to play by himself...
Yet I can't stand the thought of not having him around. Last Sunday my mother stayed at home with him. Finally, that's what I felt at first, but then as I was leaving it broke my heart seeing him there playing in the living room, knowing I was leaving him... He was perfectly fine with me leaving, kissed me goodbye and everything and not mentioning me the entire time I was gone but... He was at home, with my mother who he has come to love and... that's something else than leaving him at kindergarten.
I was gone for 3h, considered going at the cinema at first but ended up chosing to just walk around town like I haven't been able to do for so long... I calmed down eventually, it was pleasant but I never was perfectly at ease. I missed him terribly and I felt guilty at having left him at home rather than spend time with him. Once I came home he was so happy to see me that he hugged me several times and did his adorable happy dance... I don't know how I'm going to handle this emptiness, walking outside without seeing him in the stroller in front of me or walking next to me... How do you cope with that? I feel so lost without him now, I don't know who I am or what to do without him. I need him, I need him or I don't feel whole.
So... This is going to be incredibly tough. I only have 3 weeks left of bliss and then I must start getting him used to another routine, another environment. I guess I just need to realize that he's growing up and I can't protect him forever, that I am his mother and not his entire life like he is mine...
I have to go now, he's being whiny.
COMMENTS
-