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I don't know what's happening to me...



I've totally given up on taking care for myself, to the point where I force feed just to... I don't know, punish myself?



I've never been so far away from a healthy lifestyle as I am.



I've gained so much weight I'm embaressed to show myself to people I know.



I don't know what I'm doing, I've let myself lose control. Completely.



What's wrong with me?

Right now I don't even want to go to Sweden, I'm supposed to go on Wednesday.



I feel ugly and ashamed of myself, I just want to dig a hole and hide there. I am such a coward. No matter how much I try I always sink back into this depression, always.



I feel lonely, I feel lost.



Days are passing and I'm getting older without having accomplished shit.



I feel the same as I did 8 years ago - isn't that insane? I still feel like a fat, insecure teenager.



I look at myself in the mirror and can't for the world find anything beautiful about myself.



I look at myself and wonder what and why the hell I'm doing this to myself.



How can I show my face to my parents? My pale, dry, fat, ugly face which is still standing right where it was so many years ago?



They keep urging me to take care of myself, to think of myself. I keep neglecting that advice and focus constantly on Ryan, letting myself fall down deeper into this pit hole.



I don't have the motivation to care for myself, it might stick with me one day but the next it's gone again.



At least, Ryan is happy. I try to tell myself my weight doesn't matter as long as he's doing well... He doesn't care if I'm fat, does he? I'm not healthy though, I'm far from healthy right now and somewhere this has to change...



I'm rambling and I don't blame you if you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, most days neither do I.



I feel cold, dead, lonely, unable to love.



I need to wake up Ryan from his nap soon, the past few days he's been going to sleep before midnight... It's insane, his sleep is so irregular, I need to do something about it... At least I'm getting better at maintaining his routine, yes....



Speaking of the devil!

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ladySnowStrixx
16:26 Mar 23 2009

Ok I don't get it ,If the picture on here is you then girl wake up you're not fat or ugly and as for being alone you're not you have a beautiful little boy who I,m sure loves his mommy dearly .and if you can't take care of yourself for you do it for him think about how he would feel if anything happened to you . if you feel good and happy he will to. from one mother to another lighten up on yourself.

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I feel like shit -



I had to get that off my chest.



I just need to cry it out, that's what music is for, to let it all out...



I don't even know why, this morning I woke up in a good mood and now I feel like I'm choking from this pressure over my chest.



Where do I begin to explain what's wrong?



I can't, I'm just going to go and cry now.

Well it seems my headache (which still won't go away) is caused by an ear infection.



The night before yesterday my headache was so intense that I couldn't sleep at all, I ended up staying up for 35 hours without sleep... At 9 PM last night I crashed and Yendor had to play with Ryan the last hour.



As if that wasn't enough my ears were hurting me like a bitch yesterday and they still are, not as much though.



It makes me wonder if it's really teething making Ryan so fussy or if it might be an ear infection as well... I'll have to take him to the doctor and see.



He is napping now and I should be too but I have things to do so... I'll just fight sleep again. The only time I've stayed up longer than 35 hours was the morning Ryan was born...



I'm off to Sweden in 1,5 weeks,



YAY CANDY and Swedish TV! :P

Ryan is well on his way to becoming a real toddler now...



I'm so scared of making mistakes with him.



I'm just reading and trying to prepare for every possible situation.



My poor boy is in pain, the past three days he's been very tired and fussy with fever that comes and goes... he wakes up crying several times at night. Most probably it's his teeth...



He's not eating either. *sigh*



I on the other hand am feeling well, not counting a very persistent headache and tiredness.



Life could be better but I'm trying to be happy as it is.

COMMENTS

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FallenPixie
22:31 Mar 16 2009

That's one thing about kids that has always astonished me. You can never make mistakes in their eyes. So don't worry, by the evidence in your journal alone, you are one KICKASS Mom!



*hugs*

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