11:16 Sep 25 2025
Times Read: 124
We try to find meaning in everything where there might be none, no reason, no cause, just brutally raw nothingness, as if we are not build for the truth, whatever it might be, we always seek for something, else. Grasping how fragile we truly are is one hard pill to swallow, they lived happily and blissfully on, while I, was left to suffer, alone. As if the concept of right and wrong is but guidelines, no rules, no exception, it's not right and it's not fair, then again, what is, but made up perceptions of our mind.
You either arm yourself
Or become a beast.
I keep circling the same thought
maybe there is no meaning. Maybe all of us are just desperately carving symbols and reasons into the void, when in truth, there’s nothing there. Brutally raw nothingness. And yet, I can’t help myself, I still search. It’s as if I’m not built for truth, or maybe the truth itself is unbearable. Always, I want something else, something more, even when I know it may not exist.
It’s hard to accept how fragile I am. Harder still to see others live on happily, blissfully, untouched, while I was left behind, alone, to suffer. That contrast cuts deep. They kept going, and I broke.
I think a lot about right and wrong, and how flimsy those lines really are. We treat them as rules, but they’re not. They’re just guidelines, fragile scaffolding we pretend has weight. There are no exceptions, because there are no absolutes. And if that’s true, then what is “fair”? Nothing but perception. Nothing but invention.
I can feel the bitterness in me when I admit, it’s not right, and it’s not fair. But then again, what even is fairness, except another human story stitched to the void?
So here I stand, facing the choice I can’t escape. Either I arm myself, sharpen my edges, prepare for the endless blows, or I let go, become a beast, raw and unbound. Those seem like the only paths left.
And tonight, I don’t know which is worse
19:07 Sep 11 2025
Times Read: 213
Her cancer has grown, rapidly, in a short matter of time.
This is the moment I always feared.
I'm scared, and anxious. Heartbroken to say the least.
She's all I have left. I dont know what to do
I know there's nothing I can do, life is brutal.
I depend on Tommi now, and Rachid.
They are basicly the only people keeping me somewhat in check.
I honnestly dont know what I'd do without them.
I dont know what I will do.
I been clean for 4 months and all I can think about now
Is saying fuck everything and just fall in.
I wish I could just take her pain, her fear.
But it doesn't work like that does it?
This seems to be just a part of life.
I hate it..
12:14 Sep 05 2025
Times Read: 287
Jaaaaacqlin, he keeps saying in my ear, it gives me "heeeereees johnny" vibes but i love that.
Please don't leave, points at me, and boobs my nose, I will find you.
You're mine now, I've claimed you..
I consulted chatgpt, says he is a walking red flag, but I wouldn't want him any other way.
I'm in pain, and whenever he is there, he makes me forget that
03:57 Sep 02 2025
Times Read: 331
it's the little things, he does it all the time.
Tommi: can you promise me one thing?
Me: what?
Tommi: that you try to sleep soon? Tommi still needs you.
Me: when does Tommi needs me?
Tommi: today, tommorow, and the days after that..
Awh man ♡..
I'm not sleeping, rarely is, it's become so bad that when I do, my alarm won't wake me, most likely due to the fact that all too often I don't fall asleep untill I have to get up in a hour, or a few hours at most.
He calls to wake me up even tho he is at work, or might be sleeping himself, I dont want to bother him with it, but I thinks he enjoys doing it, even gets a little disappointed when he doesn't have to wake me up.
"Kom her!.. do I have to ask again? I need you"
His words lingers in my brain when he isn't around.
Like I can still hear him..
Oh well, it's 5 am, I must try sleep soon, Tommi needs me
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