The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?

It had no guts...





Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?

Because they don't have any body to go out with...





What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?

A trombone...



What do skeletons say before eating?

Bone Appétit





Why did the skeleton climb a tree?

Because a dog was after its bones





What do you call a skeleton stone age family?

The Flintbones





What did the witch say to the midget vampire skeleton?

Bony little bloodsucker, aren't you?





Who is a skeleton's favorite emperor?

Napoleon Boneaparte





What did the skeleton say to the bartender?

I'll have two beers and a mop





Why can't skeletons play music in church?

Because they have no organs

How do monsters tell their future?

They read their horrorscope





Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately





What do zombies like to eat at a cook out?

Halloweenies





What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?

Shrinkenstein





What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?

A cereal killer





Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

They're too wrapped up in themselves





What kind of streets do zombies like the best?

Dead ends





Did you hear about the cannibal boy that was 8 before he was 7?





Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?

He was buttering up his teacher





What does a cannibal get when he comes home late for dinner?

The cold shoulder





Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his mother-in-law in the jungle?





What does a child monster call his parents?

Mummy and Deady





How did the priest make holy water?

He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it





Why did the Cyclops have to close his school?

He only had one pupil





Which monster likes to fly kites in the rain?

Benjamin Franklinstein





What did the mummy say to the detective?

Let's wrap this case up





Where was satan's son born ?

Deathlehem

What do birds give out on Halloween night?

Tweets





What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween





What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?

A pumpkin patch





Why isn't Dracula invited to many Halloween parties?

Because he's a pain in the neck





What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?

Booberries





What does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee?

A boo boo





What is a baby ghost's favorite game?

Peekaboo





What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

"Do you believe in people?"





What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?

Fasten your sheet belts





What do ghouls eat for breakfast?

Ghost toasties with evaporated milk





What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?

A scareplane





What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?

Lemon & slime





What do you get when you goose a ghost?

A handful of sheet





What kind of car does a ghost drive?

A Boo-ick





What did the mother ghost say to her son?

Don't spook unless you are spooken to





What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Sham-boo





Why did the ghost pick his nose?

Because he had boogers





What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boojeans





Where do fasionable ghosts shop for sheets?

At bootiques





What ride do spirits like best at the amusement park?

The roller ghoster





What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl?

Something that scares people and doesn't give a hoot





What fairy tale do ghosts like best?

Sleeping booty





What kind of spirits serve food on a plane?

Airline ghostesses





What kinds of ghosts haunt skyscrapers?

High spirits





Where do ghosts go swimming?

The dead sea





What's the difference between a fisherman and a sick ghost?

One catches his dinner, the other one loses it





What did the t.v. news reporter say to the ghost?

Everyone dead! Boos at 11





Why is a haunted handkerchief so scary?

Because it has boogers





What kind of footware do ghosts from Texas wear?

Boots





What do you call a dead chicken that likes to scare people?

A Poultrygeist

What did Dracula say when he kissed his vampire girlfriend?

Ouch





What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?

A fur coat that fangs around your neck





What is a vampire's favorite sport?

Casketball





What is a vampire's favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving





Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

To improve his bite





What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite





What is Dracula's favorite kind of coffee?

Decoffinated





What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?

A blood vessel





What type of dog do vampire's like the best?

Bloodhounds





What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?

A stake sandwich





Why do vampires need mouthwash?

They have bat breath





What's a vampire's favorite fast food?

A guy with very high blood pressure





Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?

He heard it had great circulation





Why did the dyslexic vampire starve to death?

He couldn't find any dloob





Why wasn't the vampire working?

He was on a coffinbreak





What did the witch say to the midget vampire skeleton?

Bony little bloodsucker, aren't you?





Did you hear about the new Dracula doll?

Wind it up and it bites Barbie on the neck





What is a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor?

Veinilla





What did the three vampires order at the bar?

Two bloods and a blood light





How did the priest make holy water?

He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it





What do you give a vampire with a cold?

Coffindrops





Why isn't Dracula invited to many Halloween parties?

Because he's a pain in the neck





Why did the vampires cancel their baseball game?

They couldn't find their bats

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.

These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.



"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"



"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")



"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $

39.

95. Do you know which one it is?"



"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?" hahahaha...what a bone head!



"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm...I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen...do you?



"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No...that's your brain miss-firing.)



"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months." (I know...how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)



"I need a color photograph of George Washington." (Ok...hold on...I'll check with the caveman...)



"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!