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...or at least not since the last time I checked.

When I was a kid, most everyone in my life called me an old soul. Teachers, parents, even other kids. What they meant was that I was mature for my physical age and that I could be trusted with more responsibility than they might have entrusted to other kids.

Later, when I first became aware, people in this world often told me that my soul was old. That I had been reincarnated dozens if not hundreds of times, that I was there with them during the Renaissance, that I was there in the stars when our universe first coalesced.

Bull.

What I am is no different than what I was as a kid. Mature for my soul's age. A touch more empathetic than some. Adept at holding up a mirror to show you how old you are, maybe, but no more.

I'm a young soul in comparison to those titans that I have met, and I'm not going to pretend to be anything else. I know what I know and I am what I am. Until I feel the years dragging at my shoulders, I won't say any different.

Tough night last night. Past experiences have the worst tendency to haunt you when you're trying to actually be a productive member of society. Or as productive as I get anyway which means grocery shopping and maybe going to pet a dog at the animal shelter.

I can't stand the physical sensations the most. I remember the bite of twisted metal on my palms, the dampness soaking into the knees of my pants, the heat of the steam that erupted next to my head. I know the surreal heat of blood against my forearms and the feeling of breath panting across my face.

Even the sounds that echo in my head don't come close to actually feeling like I'm still there, failing to save somebody.

Dramatic, I know. I hate the drama of trauma, the whole dog and pony show of trying to get your life back on track. I might be softer than I should be, but at least I keep going.

COMMENTS

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sippa
03:47 Dec 06 2017

well written. you are not alone

although hardened somewhat by age i am in a similar boat

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Tristesse
04:10 Dec 06 2017

Trauma is indeed a haunting thing... You know what they say... You can run but you cannot hide. I am on meds for trauma, as well... I hope you feel better, love!

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