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I have made up my mind to marry Calvin on MOnday morning/afternoon. Saturday tomorrow we will be buying rings and a dress and shoes. Then we will buy my birth certificate and be wed. Wow. I am getting married. But I told Joshua and it hurts me. He forgives me adn says he wants me to be happy. Calvin is so good to me. He deserves me to be cmmitted to him and not on a string. So should it be done, I will no longer be me. It will be us. Jacob and Lacey playing their games again. They belong together. They both make me sick and play hesaidshesaid lying games. So I saw her once and he flipped. I changed my number (blocked my sim-got to repair my phone, just bought another.) IDONTCARE got Joshuas number still. Got to fix my cale4ndar after activation. I didnt work today. Uncle Ray is back in hosptial overnight for breathing problems minor lung infection. I am not broke, thought5 I was, got my other check to cash WOOHOO! I want to smoke some real good weed and a stog. I am sleeping downhere. At mom's maybe uncel rays. Chris my cousin his girl of 9years left him tuesday morning. He is depressed. He wanted to chat with me but I dont want to spend the night without calvin. So he is coming down too. And sleeping where I do. I am so sad about being out of touch with jacob. He will not know. He told Lacey thisthat my man and i drugdeal from uncles(we dont deal at all-smoke weed) that he is tapped and doesnt go to college, BULL!!! So she told him thisthat/ I said I wouldnt admit I taked to her-Isaidthat-and told him my number-UGH that went bad. Well he is having another child anyway. They are gone. My goddaughter will be a pawn the rest of her life. She will suffer for their messed up parental selves. I will get through. Helping mom move into her new place tomorrow. And I got to find place closer to uncle ray after this hospital visit i cant be an hour busride away. He needs me close, I love him, he is so precious to me. He gave me his approval on marrying Calvin, but its all in secret for now. I was so happy. I only need uncle's approval. Screw everyone else. BYE



CARMELLA

emotions wild

So last night Calvin and I agreed to go get married at justice of the peace, I texted Joshua. Then I texted him back later telling him im not. I am not. I am ready to run away. Ready for New Hampshire. I can drive now so liscense and car first then run far far away. I am sick, sinus infection, and sick with emotions running wild. I d not love Calvin, he knows that, but I cant stay with him either. I am ready to run. To Jim, Sandra's biological father. I got $1100 and $730 coming (-min) lost and confused...I want to fix my teeth hair nails, weight first, I also have to make sure I have my meds safe and secure, need those to sleep and drive adn live safely. I dont like it here. I am so sick. I want to run away...





Calvin also asked how long I had this journal and not to put him in it, I told him he already was, and its my journal im allowed to write all I wish

I was up at 4am a few times while on the sudafed and before so i dont take sudafed before bed. I am at prov library now and its noon. Angel came up thurs when i didnt got o work re pick up my meds so mommy came with angel and I was so happy. Having a sinus infection my nuerologist (didnt tell him) that I was glowing brightly and clear face and happy. Calvin is the shape and light to my lightning. He is my glow. No stress, noise, drama. Its great. CONFESSION I could make it with Calvin, having his child will be leaving my future placns with my soldier my Joshua. It will be done 100% no turningn back.. I will beokay. My future will be, and no one knows it. I know I have obstacles and difficulties with housing, liscense, car, child, vacation etc...my present plans are to move in to my own place. HE will keep his apartment and all mine will be in his name and gas, electric, cable, payment plan on exercise stair climbing tread mill, it is awesome. time...My belly says scared and my body says be scared. my life plans will be shattered and rebuilt...Im SAD to say good bye to joshua...But I may...It is my own decision. Calvin is my light. Joshua I thought could be my life later. MAYBE, MAYBE NOT LATER

OMG I can get my liscense now, over a year seizure free, awesome...not alot of time...I dont love calvin, he says he loves me, but i just saved him from a heartbreak...he is so good to me though what am I supposed to do? only 15 min on here so work great, got sinus infection wed, had to stay home yesturday, we are okay now, i want my own place and to be free independent and me...school slow...mom moving, we are staying home this weekend i think for the most part...bud boges food necessities is all i buy, still got that 1100 hidden safe for moving or now a vehicle...got to learn how to drive first and then car and then leave this state drive as far as i can go with needed sleep food and meds in between...im happier brighter i glow is that due to calvin, because i am happy and safe with him? maybe got to copy to EP

CARMELLA

So I got a $2100 check, last ssi backpay, and $1100 hundred hidden to move, the rest sppent. Uncle 150, mom 200, clothes, nikes, sox, bras, panties, pot, cigarettes, food out, thats all i can remember, a new purse, spencer shirts for babies (says What makes you think I want to play with your ugly ass kid?) HAHA got 2 one for ladybug one for pumpkin, spent money on mark and jord, all four of em for valentines day. Saw wolfman and it was lame, anthony hopkins phenomenal actor, played his role well, movie was lame. Calvin is gettign on my nerves, cant split up until i got my own home and bed & cats & stuff at his house. He will get rid of it all and I cant have that. He is being a pain. He found all messages from joshua and bugged, I deleted all the texts from Joshua last night. I cried too. I so dont want to be with him anymore after last night. Mom said PRIVACY! I said no cuz id look through his cell too and leave him if i was in his shoes. I wait patiently for Joshua wondering if he will come back to me someday. I only wait adn wonder. His texts were all I had from him. Now I have his pic in my phone. He will not make me erase it. I suppose he makes me sick thinking of erasing all joshuas words in my phone, but it doesnt erase him from my heart. Calvin asked if i dont write about him in here. TOO BAD...This is my journal, my emotions all the truths inside me. Jacob&Ashley are pregnant... Now Calvin is thrilled i may be getting there, he believes we will be together forever should I bear his child. But I will disagree and remain on birth control for my ow nfuture. HIGH SCHOOL & COLLEGE BEFORE MARRIAGE & CHILD> No mistakes, no plans, waiting it out. I miss Joshua so much. It hurts. I have a tomagachi giggapet thing, its cool but its dead i think, it got sick, i medicated him when he is sick. Now he look sfunny and i cant feed him or anything. WHatever. I sleep at moms sometimes with calvin and spend th night with my cats. REME went to vet and got shots, spay, and nails clipped, she is very slow and dopey hasnt eaten yet or taken medicine yet.Mom taking her back to vet cuz she been puking and not eating. EEW Sandra is a brat, still, still rude to mom and mom lets her friend Sean Dunn, son of a viking rider live there, bisexual white good sweet kid but she deserves nothing from mom. I look at her and like wow i was like that as a teen too. BEing a teen sucks. Mom's old neighbor chris is out the hospital doing well. Thank Goodness. That's my update. I love working clerical and my boss Katherine is the creative one. (I got like 4-5-6 bosses) I love her crazy projects. I love putting all data in to their files too. G2G EP

CARMELLA

All my shopping is done for February. I bought Calvin nice jordans and myself discman.

Mom's neighbor chris is in bad condition connected to tubes & plugs in his face, neck entire body. His liver is deteorating and he has had mild heart attacks while sedated. Charles lied to jacob&ashley(glad dont live in their chaos) bout the plug being pulled on him. He is a 38 year old long haired redneck who loves his beer and country music. He is in intensive care for overdozing by days on pills vics and others. His son is 10 and I am so sad for his son. Charles said he has to come up with money to send stone back to south carolina. Lies and they told me mom and I rushed to hospital. I am disappointed he sunk that death low. I said I loved Calvin. I do feel a spark in me when i look at his baby face and in his eyes. He feel sick now. we are at MPLibrary, I worked today. I was busy this week but he didnt sleep last night. Go to go shopping and go home. Other news. He used his ex' car to go get our bed frame. UGH sick and upset. But whatever... I am over it. I pray it doesnt happen again. His peepee was clean and dry so im trying to believe he is faithful. Yesturday told me different. Rape stories by our rolling green neighbor-major dirty girl-older now in early thrities im sure. SHe called sky after seeing me and calvin on bus that she was worried i have seizures and he raped a girl at her hosue & he beat up his girl. UGH! its not me, its not going to happen to me. We are happy no year old bull stories is going to end us. WE are happy together. I am not happy bout car ex but its done. His boy Abdul who visits, found out from his girl christine he beats up her and has sex with our older male neighbor glenn. I am scared that calvin may have had sex with glenn too...Yeah signals and now this. His friend Abdul-his girl was over this morn at the main door crying he put a knife to her back took her car key and never came home. SHe went to the police station. Calvin tried to call and warn his boy but he didnt have his cell on him. OMG its like glen is an uncle ray. But now im in the position on the other side of the wall. I had a date with patti and had a great lunch and a few drinks b4 going home to find out he had car and stuff went from there on. Its ok. We are together. I am trying to trust him, but damn all this new info (not mandis story) other shit is pulling me back. Please let us be alright and faithful. Library computers set need library card now adn only 60 minutes before it shuts you down. I only got to do 123 but in front of reference lady i did my own card. mommy will need my card now too. I am worried bout my situation with Calvin and Glenn now. Yeah like ill kill myself if my man put his pee pee in another mans butt. YUCKY. Do not fret, live peacefully with him. For Now. Got to copy to other blog. LATER

CARMELLA

Calvin got a phone yesturday and I did the house shopping. Well our mattress was thrown out and Willl, his neighbor (who exchanged #s wityh my mom) gave us his airbed, that was popped, so we awoke on the floor last night. Very uncomfortable. But tomo I dont have to work just doc klein at 11:30, big check, cash,open acct, me minutes, contacts, discman, buying him shoes, and saving. My moods been down-PMS-not pregnant-but a busy week. We had bedbugs. I broke out in hives because of bedbugs. SO we washed everything in hot water, my freeofdye soap and got all our house stuff for the month. I got to go buy a new bed and sheetset adn pillows. Then I got to buy dinner, and go to uncles for my weekend mail, my birthcontrol pills, and spanish cds. Study??? Today start exam 11, maybe, i should but im exhausted...I need to study and run lots of errands and go pump up new bed and nap today. My love has a bad past, we all do, he found his mother at 4 (died in her sleep) tried to shoot his principal at 5 then put in an institute, dont know for how many years though how he managed to get released and move up here. He chose RI cuz he loves lighthouses and found ours inbooks. We have our ups and downs. Work is great but also exhausting. I finally orgasmed with him, 5x in a row in control on top. He didnt feel me orgasm. But I did. We are not pregnant-good now-need lots of time and to finish school.He wants me to trust him adn love him, but not now, not soon, I need time, I am not ready to jump in the fire. I got to give library new email for other Fear stret saga books (there are 16or17, I have read the first 9)School...gottogo,.Stacys customer Patty, older lady, nicwe and pretty has discussed my assault with deadly weapon charge adn trial with my attorney and investigator(connections I guess) and its looking okay im sick with nerves on court. But Jordyn's testimony should save my butt. SHe told thewhole truth,...COurt next wed. UGH...well now to campirerave... nightmare, bobby kidnapping me and torturing me at his parents hosue with his wife who i still go after even though she shows me her pregnant belly, but weird fucking dream.