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So Charles is gone now. COmpletely. It was so much trouble for him to allow me to get my cubby. He said "I see u brought reinforcements" (I brought my uncle tom-truck and sister stac along) He tried to chat, I told him he disgusted me I wanted to puke looking athim and there was no need for him to speak to me just give me my cubby. They kept eveything I bought. It was what Calvin wanted-for me to give them it all and walk away. So I did. That was not too long ago. Jacob thought he could just keep my binder of baseball adn basketball cards, he'll probably try selling them on ebay which was my idea. Calvin talks to himself alot, I let him, its how he communicates with himself. We have been together 19 days now. We had our first big boom 2 days ago. Uncle Ray had a stroke two days ago. Jason Dana And I stayed at the emergency room from 1pm-8pm when they transferred him to the fourth floor. He went home this morning, but he gave us all a big scare. Not much has gone on. I work, I was covered in hives and then got a perocynidal cyst on my tailbone which caused pain until i got an antibiotic from the er. My hives started clearing up and I only got the calamine clear yesturday. I have been staying in providence with calvin and come here to go to work then visit uncle then home. HE pawned his toy(IPOD wit GPS) $40 for food and calamine. I told him not to stacy was giving me $20 for it. So we got food until monday, he can go get his toy back out too. We will not be moving into a new place until march1-5th cuz we need to save he says, but he is not saving, he is spending on what he needs too which is his check for feb. I am spending less than 1/2 my check on needs-contacts, minutes, bathing supplies. I feel like a child to everyone, them all scolding me and telling me what to do. Calvin does it too it makes me child sad. But I am okay. I will stay in my situation with calvin because he makes me happy and feel like a grown beautiful woman. so much has happened, my head spins. My moods are changing, maybe its my period coming, my hormones, but i feel my moods changing I dont like it, they are going down not up. I cant stop it either. So yesturday, sis baby daddy -i stabbed-his aunt was on bus with me mumbling to herself. She went to NCMHC apt with same psychologist while I had to work, and told doc she was "I am going to beat her up if she doesnt go to jail" he told me to stay out the waiting room and I laughed at her went to lunch. Then Calvin says you get a statemetn from him saaying that for your lawyer, doc says "confidentaility clause" calvin and my attorney's secretary say "he broke it already" and he doesnt want to give statement. Attorney will handle it, my brain cannot. My head spins now trying to keep up my life info in here. Back to court February 10th. I am sick thinking I can go to jail. Lady friend says "dont worry, he may admit to beating your sister" then later "its a hostage situation, its going to be alright" I want to believe her, my stomach knots at thought of going to jail for that piece of poop and the peach size black eye he gave my sister. I can not climax lately. I hadn;t with charles in months, nor have i since with calvin. I know its me, my body, my below-it has a mind of its own, so does my stomach. Calvin made me bathe in oatmeal, it was a suggestion for itchy hives all over. I did it. IT helped through the night. 2x I woke at 4am itching, the first time I was up from 4-6 shower again work. Then next day I took a hot bath-shower again then back to sleep with benadryl til 10am. My hives are clearting now the calamine helps alot with itching. Brittany's baby is in the hospital too-RSV-respiratory virus, so sad, he's like less than 2 feet long in a tent, beautiful little boy, and its sad. I saw her in er when uncle had his stroke. I stayed with her while we all swapped 2 at a time with uncle ray. I went with her to see her son Hayden, after she was discharged from er. I am apartmetn searching cheap in bristol and warren now, I just want my moose melon and mocha, I miss my two cats, I visited them at my mom's, its not a place I want to visit or stay at ever. THe fridge and freezer are gross, the dishes in the sink, the whole sink smells. The hosue is a mess. Mom said you guys can sleep there, and he doesnt understand why im like uh NO. HE said hell clean it and I said when she has lots of huge garbage bags, he can go ahead without me. I did it overandover thats a reason I left. Jacob and Ashley were there when uncle had his stroke, his case manager showed and said lets go, he would not allow jacob and ashley to call ambulance. They blah blah blah bout charles and it drives calvin mad, its also shit i dont want to hear, just catanddog are alright. Kaitlyn, my blessed godchild is stuck with her awful mother, and her NY man returned Capri, with permission to move off aquidneck (newport,middletown, portsmouth)RI anywhere in RI so sick to stomach. POSITIVE THINKING_Uncle Ray out of hospital, regained vision in his left eye and feeling in his left cheekbone, Calvin adn I split the night of stroke adn fixed us yest late noon, Sandra, uncle tom, joe turner (from NCMHC & Mom's church) visited uncle ray along with chris and his roomie my ex jerry all those that didnt see him wed saw him thurs and fri he went home-to jason's brandon didnt open door and my key dont work. So a lot has happened. Everyone pointing fingers on uncles trazadone missing-whole 30day prescription-jacob or barndon then everyone agrees on the other when he's not there-BS...Uncle then says everyone come over-no one's banned-i think he allowed brandon to take em and do whatever-cuz he didnt complain or state it to anyone-whatever-not my problem-dont need the exdtra headache... I want my own place and my cats and my own dog...THATS ALL NOW

SO I finally got my belongings I wanted today from Vernon Ave, Charles Apartment. I did. I told him I didnt want to see him or speak to him he makes me sick to my stomach and I dont want him to talk to me, just let me get my cubby, books, poems, pics, and clothes. I did. I called him blocked adn said "It is done." He hung up on me, same time. Brutus is at his moms now, not eating his own food and Luckyis missing, he will not come out of the basement. Heis funny, scared, not himself, and he broke Charles big green bong. So I dont know what else happened. I am sad about Brutus adn Lucky but everyone says leave em bee, leave em behind, they are not mine. So I am living with Calvin, apartment searching, bus riding all the time, to and from newport, prov, pawtucket, warwick etc. Saturday Pawtucket appointments. Got East BAy Classifieds and lots to rent in Bristol, Warren where we can afford and have pets, we both want a dog. He is going to name our dog charlie, he wants to name our daughter charlie, but I said Geneille, nickname Ginny our first girl after my mommy and we can junior a boy if he wants, but he wants a girl. I said I got first name of child, he got automatic last name. So I am instant yahoo messaging Michael but we never met but we talk about being an affair. I dont believe him though. I dont believe anythng anymore. Calvin wants to say ILY and im like no dont say it, im not going to ill think ill get nausea if he says it anytime n ow. YUCK! Too soon we both need to move on and get over our breakups and abuse. We are good to eachother. He treats me like a beautiful woman, and calls me his Miss 2010 supermodel, I call him my Rockstar. Time will tell me what is to happen. But im in no rush for love, bab,y marriage, I want my own place, dont even want to live with him. Thats why lokoing at place i can afford alone should/when we go our separate ways. He gets crazy at night, talking im going to leave and I dont care (im going to leave and he dont care bout nothing no more) I get sad, now i just tell him go to sleep, he starts talknig like that when hes tired right before/after he takes his seroquel. (sleep med) I had an alergic reaction to something and now im covered in itchy red bumps (could be hives) and my throat is swllen, got medicine today for it, had throat cold bug since last fri adn bumps since tues. Go home bathe, cream up. Hoping to get hours tomo, called out yest 1-3 went to warwick walked all the way down Centerville to Royal crest Estates, and cant afford it, just beautiful land, acres, ponds, ducks, trees, private. Then to newport for cousins birthday who got arrested for sellin g/delivery methadone medication. justice of peace $50 bail, stacy said no way, chris rat, antonio bought pills locked up saying chris is rat, thats what looks like but i wont say a word, thats my blood. I cant and will not trust no one though. Jacob said you go tto trust someone sometime right? Not him, charles or ashley. I am moving on up and away. G2G Spanish still on delay but got to do that midterm asap. change address everywhere too. LATER



CARMELLA



I am happy with Calvin, work, moving-looking for a place...

I just want someone to listen to me. I am sick and sad and lost in my head. But let me tell you of Calvin. I met him on the bus through Pawtucket. We ended up talking and he invited me to dinner. I accepted. I stayed with him until 9pm Sunday night. Now I sort of live with him searching fo rmy own place. He told me put your stuff here adn go get your own home. We are new to eachother. NO negativity though. We had great sex so many times. And he can make me cum with him tongue, unlike the other. I cant stand him and it makes me nauseas to talk about charles. Jacob & Ashley want me to pay rent $200 and I said he said it was covered. He believes ill come home. Maybe he believes that. I dont know what any of them are thinking or plotting. But I am escaping. I can escape their games. Calvin is black, short, baby boy face, innocense look to him, he is schizophrenic, a luney whats new, a luney adn I attracted to eachother. I am a mess in my head but I will not go to the hospital because I have to work and make that $74 a week to eat through the month. I worry about my Brutus and Lucky. I do. But I can not take them. They will go where Charles goes. He texted me lots too, now he cares, now that I am really almost gone. I cant handle any of it or them or the brain overflowing with pain and negativity. No one will help me. Its all up to me. I am so sick. I am exhausted from all the bus trips to and from Providence. I am alright. I got to make money, and work, to keep my brain awake and focused. I got to do what I got to do. I want everything to be okay. Will it? I can be okay. I just need a true friend. Is calvin a true friend? I don't know. I am so scared, but got to go online apartment searching again.



CARMELLA

The chaos at home is out of control. Charles did leave for the weekend,last night Jacob and Ashley went to war with words in their bed room. I already started apartment searching for myself,and seen a place today,sharing a house with an elderly woman who owns it and her roommate but she has thoughrts against me bringing my cats,melon and mocha. I want to take them, they are my own, I also decide agaisnst it bcuz i want my own belongings, i would love to sleep in that bed of hers which doesnt cause back pain like the two beds i sleep on now. I must go, not far, for I want to be close to my job and bus route and blood (UNCLE RAY #1) HE is proud of me, my uncle tom and mommy are too that im out on my own running from him and his mental chaos he drowns me in. I am not a victim, but I am not the main route of the pain in the house. Time will tell my fate, all our fates. Kaitnlyn will be home soon every one will go separate ways. My midterm is almost complete, and the $44 I made , 20 I owed my mom and paid her back the rest went to food adn a newspaper. I need to keep searching, I look at a studio tomo, the couple are deciding about my two cats. And I must look its small they said, I must lok at everything I can afford. Going to ep then craigs list. He threatened to kill me an brutus as brutus got up to protect me and warn him(charls) he would attack. He slept on the bottomof the bed instead of the floor which hestated was for my own safety. My boss put m,y mind at peace with knowing charles and staing:"know the fellow, he has no self worth he makes up his mind to make himself feel like a better person." He was once a patient at ncmhc. I knew that but nothing else. I love work and the library getting away from all other things. Jacoba & Ashley saw Kaitlyn yesturday, she looked like shit, like a home less kid, her lips and hair were a mess, nasty clothes and shoes on. My head is always hurting now in the back,it hurts to brush my short hair or rub the back of my scalp. Oh Joshua I am waitng for you, andnot going to attempt suicide because i must be strong for you, to be your wife,and live rthe army wifes life. Time. Is what is everything.

So Charles wrote Ashley a love letter today. I am not upset, surprised and its a laughable matter. We only had sex like 4 days ago. And Jacob&Ashley had their own bad morning with lacey and missed visitation. So Charles only made everyones head spin more. What is he doing? What am I doing? I got to get out of this state, of this side of the USA period. NIGHTMARE: My family, roommates, pets and all were trapped in the top of a burning building, i felt like i was in the world trade center, people and animals burning to death in front of me, just trying to make it to the bottom, but never through the fire spreading up the stairs. I woke amess and clung to charles... Thats what I do when waking from a nightmare, cling to him because he lays beside me. I have still not recovered frmo last nights nightmare. Up at 6:52am and hot and cold. But I can escape the fire of my reality, I will. SO DAILY NEWS I went to uncle rays for crappy spaghetti sauce, went and got his meds at walmart, where I ran into Thomas&Tracey Williams. Oldest PAstors son adn hottie always, still, they have a son adn got married. She looks tough and more mature, not like the innocent college girl, but a wife adn mother. Their son is a gorgeous mix of his parents. They are back in rhode island he said. I said hello. His father and family moved, he is not the pastor of my mothers church now but was. So Uncle Tom gave me a ride and I got to ruch. Exam9 completed. Midterm supposed to start but computers busy almost done with my hour now writing. So got to paste this in EP



LATER CARMELLA

So the holidays were up and down mood swings. Charles is no one, his words mean nothing, but i dont know if my words got to him either. He can not hurt me or control me or make me think its always my fault im constantly wrong and at fault like 99% of the time. He said this and that mean names and facts but could not hurt me inside. Because I am maturing I have a future outside new england. I am going to get through march with out a seizure save for a car and leave here. Joshua wrote me, Joshua is my high school love in the army and we have found eachother again. I am to be his bride someday should he live through the army and come back to me. I long to be by his side, be his wife, bear his children that carry on his name and be his wife take care of him through all things. Joshua. I was ecstatic with joy when i received his text. I write him now in a notebook to him only. He is on mission and i want to fill it up for when his mission is complete he has joy in his reading from me. Charles is a mean nasty slimeball with hygeine and control issues. He will not admit to much of anything. I will admit I act selfish and lazy and do what I want but I also do what i must, got to work and complete spanish. Yea thats my only goals is work, money, spanish, school ... Jacob and Ashley are there, kaitlyn is still not. SHe is with her mother and paternal grandmother. Jacob gets one visit a week now but its a start as long as they keep fighting for her, they will get her back. I miss her dearly. I do. The only reason they are in my home is kaitlyn. Charles sides with them on everything. We fought yesturday I told him my feelings, he is a liar with a hygeine problem. He is a liar. I let him know. He said this and that but it was my past so i told him what you say dont matter. It doesnt. We are not together. We will not have sex together again (becasue of his namecallings) but i am strong and can move on without him. He is a fool. I will get out of here. Becasue I am a woman that is growing, maturing, going for my goals, and I know what I need to reach them all. Focus. Motivation. Save. School. Etc. I will do it on my own, he will have no words to say he helped with my accomplishments, he is a liar, Joshua and i will be together. I miss my kids, havent seen em since christmas, cant babysit at my home no room for kids, doubt babysit at janies and be trapped for overnight. Maybe someday. IN MY DREAM L:AST NITE: there were two ball pythons. one my own one not. One was hungary and snappy the other not. I dont know whose was which though. But a snake is going to bite me & i am alone, the other snake is solitary. I see it as a sign.(my sister janie slapped the snake that snapped at her, i was shocked she hit it and it was hungary, long, angry.:DREAM OVER I will tarot card today. I need to be careful. With everything. My twenty went missing in jordyns pic frame. I believe jacob could have stolen it. They all swear they didnt take it. I believe ashle has no mind of it. Charles figure since the fight he would have rehid it on me. Other than that jacob took it. I dont know. But I will be more careful hiding my money in my own home since jacob has all day to look through it. I dont trust he didnt take it. But chance i misplaced it intoxicated unless they took it while intoxicated. Well its 2010 its my life and i shalll live it my way and alone for the best of me.We shall see. I must complete my exam 9...Now to copy this in vampire rave.AshleandIargued I guess I was rude to her for two weeks unaware completely. I want to keep her. I hope she believes that. But we fought new years eve and went to sleep early, drunk anyway. But not two nights ago, puking sick, hangover mornig, felt crappy exhausted dehydrated. And they fixed my schedule to 10hours this week(goodchecknextweek) so update. Screw Charles, he is but a roomie temporarily. JAcob adn Ashley will be ontheir white picked fence and minivan way once kaitlyn is where she belongs.