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Well, no computer, I am at Craig's (yeah slept over, first time in what feels like forever) so I am catching up. School is going great, 8 chapts of History left with 3 exams then on to Health Science (health book) which arrived a few days ago. Craig & I are doing good, I slept over, we had sex, once for an hour(10-11pm) then he woke me up at 4am, it was short which I wanted thank goodness. Its been hurting lately more afterwards too. But I am fine. He is asleep, a lil mad im up online but he'll live, im an early bird now. I have been up since 8am. I have no job, I have been selling bud for ends meet to save for Ohio, Craig is going to be heartbroken when that happens, but I need to do this for me. Unless I get pregnant, unlikely, on depo, and he pulls out still, so I am out of RI. Tiff has blown me off since her sister came down friday the 15th. I am mad about money but I am alive. Uncle has no idea where I am, but I will keep it that way. I want to tell him, but he's not under standing and will be mean to me. So I am over Bob but yeah pain comes & goes with memories, I want to throw up whenever people say they saw him and stuff knowing we are over. Jordyn has become a spoiled lil brat who whines daily. Stacy got an apt in Fall River, Jord always wants to sleep at home. Skye left the shelter & periodically stays with stac, the twins do too. Tom has stopped by for bud and to say hi. Jon is gone, I said I love Craig dont think about kissing me, gone. I am fine, I have no friends, but I love Craig and to him I am loyal. Mom works two jobs now keeping her out of the house in the day more often, Sandra's in NH and the hosue stays cleaner. Barry, mom's bf, took us to a Conn.state park for grilled steak & grilled cornoncob, awesome taste, flies disgusting, fresh waer lake too. We went shoppin when ma was at work too. I g2g. Theres a catch up.

Besides I got my BookofShadows and am studying wicca on a daily on everyotherday basis, its school or wicca. So I do one and then the other. Its awesome reading and learning. LATER

I have been behind with news. SO I had a camera stuck ni my bladder wed.noon, & it hurt. Then I went & stupid me had sex with Craig, with was great while it lasts, always. I love him. I feel Alowishus could be a danger to my new life. He denies himself existence yet still holds great power, I realized his power just the other day. He can hold back being recognized. Like he could be behind me walking & I wouldnt realize it til I turned around. He asked "what?" is an odd tone, like I notice his power, as a Ravnos I have my own gifts. Its nice to have some one ni the family close by. I wish Alucard would come around more often, of all, I felt closer to him than ne1 though he left. I always got close to his girlfriends too. But Alowishus causes harm now, not with seduction but charm. Not good with seduction but good with his choice of words that are touching. I still feel alone, like my world I can't talk to anyone about, except Taralee, and I have lost her numbers, & we are distant yet still close. I will always love her. My dangers are stil the same as in my own written book, bout falling in love with a mortal, and to say "I do" you could lose all connection to my realm. Craig would be worth it, if only I felt his true feelings for me. Lets have sex, eat, talk, and have space. Simple yet Im nhappy with it. Alowishus is a danger as Raven's & Sean's brother, as his own self, and as my friend. He told me he wanted to kiss me, but I love Craig, I just need a friend right now. DAMN! They come around til they realize they cant have you, then they are gone. He is a gentleman, but I dont trust his words. TO say im a gentleman, means danger to me. I have always trusted Jon, and liked him as a friend, but now im weary of him, and wonder if hanging out alone is so cool anymore. TO be with me, you must know how to seduce me, one thing he can not do, but I sense danger with the old emotions opening again. Fear, my fear of being alone, & bleft behind hurts. He told me to call him after I got his email. now im afraid, not knowing what to say, when he knows I have feelings 4 Craig, one guy dont care bout another. But I care. I just dont want Jon to runaway or be awkward. It sucks when he gets that way. I talked to Crystal, things to move out there are still fine. YEAH!!! I cant wait. I want to meet the kids too and cats.LOL Uncle worries about me and so does mom now, more&more. Mom is coming close to eviction due to collge girls snitches on the 1st floor. I want to pour pipe cleaner in their gas tanks. Bob's da, I hear, is cutting grass in Kayla's neighborhood, a trailor park, where Jacob's mom also lives. Odd. I dont care, Jacob does, his clients are paying bob's dad to do his job instead of him so hes mad and losing money. I need to do some schoolwork & take a bubblebath. Later. I m letting bob go, dad by day, it gets easier, I got Craig, its moving alng as it was b4 but im tolerating what keeps him happy. As usaul. I want to be happy. I will be someday. Just not now, at this age. I am getting better. ILOVEYOU CRYSTAL & JENNIFER You two are my distant support but great support & I miss you both lots!!!!!!!!!!!

John's here, bout 2 smoke, on phone with Crystal, at Tiff's, babysitting, lots to catch up on. Alowishus' power & our relations is strange. Later went with Craig to docs in prov, painful visit, than grreat sex, and kiss good night. I love him, damn...

Alowishus feels my thoughts should he not be able to read them. He felt my uneasiness the second it hit me, with his arm around my shoulder or rubbing my thumb with his own, he stopped the second it hit me, I felt awkward. He's coming now, but I must go with Craig shortly to Prov. for doc visit. She is going to numb me and place a camera inside my bladder. It is funny how we crossed pathes again, but great none theless. LATER

Hey, Craig hasnt called me three days and I have an apt tomo afternoon. I ran into Alowishus, or John, Sean's mortal half brother, and immortal brother. He has always had feelings for Carmella&myself and still does. Because of his true blood hatred for Sean, he now denies Alowishus existence, and claims he is a warlock. In my realm and world, they do not truly exist. Its nice to have someone close though, when I feel so alone. Mystical, my immortal son, has been of the ones by shock to show in my need, but now he's taken and not over here much. I am taking things slow, bob gone, jon here, craig around, school, sleep, sickness, docs, meds, home...all easy and carefully but done nonetheless. I dont feel alone anymore but I feel rather distant from him. Its odd after 3 years, maybe not the 3 years, our relationship has seemed strange always, his mortal always seemed childish or immature. I saw myself only belonging to Raven in my world, but now I believe there is someone really out there for me, a man, in disguise, but an immortal also. Craig unfortunately would not be it then. There are rules in my world though, like in every world. That should an immortal marry a mortal in this realm, he/she would lose all immortal powers and have a lot less access in her old world, but would still be considered family, just looked down upon. Strange, how life works. Still how my mixed clan family still crosses pathes one at a time or more but no reunion yet in sight. Time&space are strange but important in both realms, but secrecy is one in my realm mosr important. Later Jon is coming soon. I am taking care of me right now though I am ill, or weak, or hurting at times, I get things done that need to be. Good Night

I did see Joshua Thurs.night visiting from NY for his father's naval retirement. He told me I am beautiful, I dont believe him though. I saw Craig last night, and was supposed to sleep over tonight, should his folks go to NH which they did(his sister told me) He said "we'll see each other tomo he said, its no big deal" I said, "no its a big deal to me, not for you" then I ran out for money from tiff, he then said to call him in a half hour which I will. He is trying to cancell his plans he covered mine with...Actions said so, and it hurts. I wouldve assumed gramma should he had not said "call me back" means " got to get out of other thing" OOOWWW! I really need to do my laundry and wanted to be with him all night, his first excuse was sister's home, OMG she's there, and? I said he said my uncle might be coming home too, that was a cold lie...OUch! But I will be in trouble for knowing or confessing to chatting with his sister Melissa. I will call him in about 10 more minutes. I hurt now. He knew I wanted to sleepover, and it was as long as his folks went away, not his boys or Keith...and I believe it was plans overridden by Keith...It doesn't matter to him, what I want usually does not matter. When I am open at the sec about about it, he feels guilty, but not later. I need to do laundry badly, and sleeping next to him always means alot, to me.Dutch called me tonight, and I smoked with J&K b4 he called. I had kids all week, babysittin, two overnighters, 3 sleepers, 4-5 2 mornings to afternoons wide awake in action and today all mornin til 8pm. I am exhausted, want a body massage and stuff. LATER

Well, I really just slept yesturday. Today I showered twice, went for coffee with uncle ray, I then cleaned my house (uncle ray bought me stamps & stamped envelopes) then I cleaned the enitire house, leaving dishes and trash for sandra. I toook marky too the pharmacy and 7-11. I got my calcium pills, colace, and prep.H today (stole it) and refilled my meds, also went with Craig to my doc apt with klein. Klein and I talked about the hospital and my issues now, I have clinical depression, anxiety, and borderline personalitydisorder. He gave me new prescr. cuz of increase in meds. Then I went with Craig to third beach. He told me he loved me all by himself, like 6times, and said back to me after like 4-5 times. I asked him if he was on drugs. I love him so much. Bobby I got see Monday to say good bye permanently at work. Got to make a fucking apt to say bye, we cant be friends at all anymore. Anyway, Craig I can love with b.o. bad breath and the same jeans almost everytime we are together. (at least he has a washer/dryer at home) I love him, I even told Uncle Ray, " I love Craig, and I love you, I am not trying to disrespect you, but I want you to know your feelings for him will not change mine." He was huffy but didnt hang up or cut me off. He threatened me though, if we get back together or have sex(he is unaware we have been having it, I lie and I never lie to him) he will not talk to me, thats damaging. But I am an adult and he has to learn to deal with my decisions liking them or not. I hate lying to him but I cant deal with losing him or fighting with him rightnow. SO I had a great day. Bobby called me b4 my apt with Klein, and I was shocked. I played it fine, I am fine, It hurts letting him go, I will not lie, but he has been doing coke with Kayla, & putting his health and cock at rick for disease, not my problem anymore. OMG, I ran into Dillon (alucard in my story) today. Its been 4 years, he saw me, and hugged me picking me up, my legs wrapping around his waist. HE is sexy still, and looks like an adult not like a freak. He was visiting town, and was so happy to see me. He was my closest friend in the house. Still is from the house, besides tara, who had an affair, with him not long ago when he was in Illinois. Wow, I was so shocked and happy to see him. I took him to Jesse's and she was in shock, I dont know whther she was going to laugh,cry,or get mad. I got to see her tomorrow, and call jobs again, try to get under the table job. (safety of medical) SSI should be coming through faster now with this hospitalization. And Craig told me"dont tell ne1 about ssi coming in, save up babysitting money to pay bills, ssi throw in bank, keep it there, and then after awhile, 6months maybe a year, move", and stuff. I want to be with Craig, but maybe our lives will collide later. I am jsut afraid he will end up with a kid and I couldnt be him then unless it was my kid. I just want this money to savfe and go somewhere with my life. I would move in a place with him tomorrow if I could but he says no. OUCH! He helps take care of his family. I understand that. But it sucks. I had a great day today, he made it great, Dillon made it surprising and great too. Today was full of surprises, Bobby called, Craig said "ILY" lots, and Dillon showed up in town. LATER

And I payed of my school today, $60, got my glasses yesturday I think (they were $100.) LATER

Meds and sleep