The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

01:46 Mar 29 2013
Times Read: 447

So you can see it was a crazy week, very emotional as well for many people. I got 6 mornings til court &7 mornings to surgery. It was a good session with student nurses who do classes every Tues&Thurs, well Thurs is MJ who I love and respect for her patience and more and did a group on positive & negative thinking. Chello participated in this one, not any other. Then when MJ mentioned Kathy, Chello said that ruined it. Painful. I said ILOVEYOU & BYE. See you next Thurs. Today is Thurs. and I cried all day. After work I read Kathy's obituary and broke. I saw Bryan too. He got wrapped right hand to almost elbow, then leg wrap foot to thigh. I do not care, LYING, I dismissed him for Kathy. He is alive who cares about him? Thats what I said to Nathan when he mentioned Bryan. But it took his ignorant jealousy few moments to figure it was Kathy tears. He looks miserable and is, but he chooses to stay with her. And he lets her smoke spice. He plays game of goodguy/badguy both roles, good at it, charming, lying, loving, deceiving man. Anyway. Nathan&I saw Tripp on bus today.Also my cousin in law caught pneumonia after her 3rd back surgery. Thought all poison sucked out of her spine then admitted after convulsions. UGH NEWS



EROTIC NEWS LOL- I learned to make myself orgasm in shower with water hose on jet spray. YEAH! LOL proud. After few min of lame sex. Its not always lame with him just not amazing, exciting, erotic, passionate. It was with mi oso. mi oso means my bear in spanish. Its what he was to me. Nathan & I are okay. Not perfect but okay.

01:34 Mar 29 2013
Times Read: 449




Friday(last week) went well. My good friend Kathy Fryer was there, usually comes in Thursdays. I always scream "Kathy" & she'd scream "Sammy." Well I always tell her I love her when we part, and I did that time too. UNFORTUNATELY, that was the last time I would see her, because Saturday she died at home. I found out Sunday after noon when my co-worker&friend called me & I broke down. She invited me to her place to smoke&hangout. After waiting for Nathan to return from Uncle Ray's with our laundry I did just that. Friday night was Uncle Ray's birthday party which I made him 4 large collages of pics of everyone that matters to him. And his birthday card was a pic of his own cat Diamond with Happy Birthday Uncle Ray-Love Geneille, Sam&Sandra. Saturday I took Nathan to family club/bar/ All Vets Club for my Uncle tom's surprise birthday party. So Nathan & I were being picked up at Uncle rays for surprise party we left our laundry there. I don't care what people got to say. I loved Kathy. She was a lift in spirit & loves animals, music & writing poetry. She was a lot like me, just about twice my age. She leaves behind a daughter and I hurt for her. Kathy was so sweet & loving. She was always in pain but you would not know unless she told you. She always held herself up strong. But she was suffering with her knees and back. Sunday I cried and cried until I got high then tears wouldnt fall. Today I saw her obituary & broke at work. Thursday is the day she came in. But not anymore. This Saturday there is being a memorial reception for her, a private burial at a later date. I said I love you lots of times and goodbye see you next week, not knowing when it was goodbye until I get to Heaven. I will see you waiting to let me in at the gates. My girl who called me & I were always cool but this pushed us together. We both love horror, hate people, noseyness, drama, and annoyance. She got kids close to my age. These women are my friends. And Chello was there at a bad time for both of us. Kathy's death hit alot of people especially where we worked.



R.I.P. KATHY I LOVE YOU&I MISS YOU & I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN SOMEDAY I AM GRATEFUL YOU ARE OUT OF PAIN BUT IT HURTS YOU ARE GONE!

CHAOTIC WEEK
23:11 Mar 25 2013
Times Read: 454

Last Monday I went to week, Tuesday I skipped, sleep, horrible night's sleep & nightmares or twist&turn awake ruin my next day. Wednesday I dont recall right now. Thursday I went to work, Nathan&I ate @ Wendy's a fry,soda&sandwich. I went to Janie's he went home. We went to Providence for special Pre-Admission Testing at Miriam Hospital. Wrong building, had 2g2 another building a distance away. So we got a shuttle from there to there. Blood pressure, EKG, temp then another office to wait for nurse who asked 1million questions. We went over my meds, background, health. She said I should be able to qualify for medical marijuana. Cool got to remember that when I see Dr.Vrees. So that was a long long day for Nathan&I. We had to be there by 3:15 LEFT AT 1:20 BUS SNOW STARTED. WAY HOME I SLEPT SOME WHILE IN TRAFFIC DUE TO BAD SNOWING &DRIVING CONDITIONS. Friday payday Uncle Rays 69th birthday party went great. I made 5 big picture collages. 1 little pic as a card framed. They are all framed. Got cake. White Gold Cake filled with strawberries, coffee&strawberry ice cream. Aunty Jane, Uncle Tom, Mommy, Cassandra, Memphis, Nathan, & little Nate got to come. We got Nate&Nat for few hours, they couldnt even finish OZ & were falling asleep in pjs already. Nathan went w/me to Uncle Tom's surprise party Saturday. Sunday studying til my girl&co-worker told me a mutual friend died & I broke down. Nathan had gone to my uncle rays to pick up our laundry&his backpack-we left there got picked up there all together for the surprise party. I waited for him to get home & called a few people before he did. I went out with my home girl & her cousin to drop off their other cousin and came back. bombed at her crib went to Timmy's. Joey picked me up & we bombed at Timmy's & Joey brought me home after 11 (& Cody was coming by there already tried to screw me off facebook) Joey asked for some sexing too, UGH!

WORSE my "brother in law"Anthony tried to get stuff for weed&stuff. I robbed him of a bag. I told my love Old Gary there's no one else I can confide in, I know my sister will cut me off & out their lives-my niece&nephews and keep him. I told him that too there's no telling her. this all sucks, I feell like I look like a hooker, whore, sex object. I love Timmy&Jamal they straight guys that dont try & get with me on any level. So came home late to him bitching, I ignored it and went to sleep, I couldnt wear my machine I felt like I was suffocating last night & woke up @ 3 had cereal went to sleep til 7. still grieving & sick. Went to work depressing day. But hung at Janies smoked half blunt tok nap with lil nephew but he didnt nap...came home had sex, showered, ate, now he shows me a booboo on his penis & its not a wart but IDK what it is & he dont want to see what it could be. Im going to check now then watch walking dead.

04:30 Mar 20 2013
Times Read: 476

I am miserable, good night or not, good dinner or not, this is not where I belong.

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS I HAVE NOT BEEN HOME!

I just want to find inner peace & a clear mind.

I would love to know magic & I believe I can not work magic because my head is so full of crap and negative emotions and distractions.

One day maybe. I need to stop sleeping my life away. I need exercise, lose some weight, whiten my teeth, quit smoking cigarettes before Michael comes here. But I need to be motivated. Distracted by something new & stupid everyday. I could have & should have gone to church tonight. Yes I believe in God and God created all things but created all for the good, humanity turned it bad. HUMANS & I am human too. LIFE IS ROUGH BUT I AM STRONG, as long as I keep telling myself that and do what I need too for myself I WILL MAKE IT to where I want to be. With everything. DAMN MISERY! I want to be happy, pot is not always available and is only temporary relief of misery. I KNOW but keep doing it and its my main excuse to not do what I am supposed too. I love Bryan still and snd still want him, but we are not meant to be, I always thought I belonged where I am because we are both unattractive. (NICE WAY TO PUT IT) Bryan made me believe I was more and without him by my side as mine I do not believe in anything. I am grateful to God everyday for all I have and still ask for more but I am human and we always want more, something else, something new, something different. MOTIVATION SAMANTHA WAKE UP



Awaiting Michael's arrival...(MAY)

I want to be with Bryan DAMN IT but I am a survivor I tell myself...





Watched OZ the great & powerful, Beautiful Creatures, Hansel&Gretel Witch hunters, & 3D Texas Chainsaw Massacre-I enjoyed them all, the last one was the worse because how the killings went down but enjoyed the ending...

St.Patricks day
18:46 Mar 16 2013
Times Read: 483

My daughter got Nathan&I out of bed, was taking her to the parade but the wicked grandmother took her away, then I saw Janie,Stacey,Skye,Ant & all the kids went to watch parade with them, I got a white t-shirt with Bob Marley as a green pot leaf and Nathan's old green striped hat for the holiday. Then watched Lena with Ant, all other kids went to park with King. Stacey,Skye&Janie went to store. I brought groceries in. Then Ant, Skye&Stacey went blunt cruising with Skye's brother Chuck&his two friends leaving me behind. No big deal Stacey said I grabbed my purse out truck & went through house out front door &left. Skye&Stacey&Ant skye illegally driving stopped for me on way home I said no its alright. I cried, im still crying. Nathan not here but all his stuff is. It says to me "ODD ONE, FREAK< WEIRDO< SLUT their internal opinions of me. And Im UGLY Meant to be with nathan and misery....

Wednesday Night
02:30 Mar 14 2013
Times Read: 490

Things going up and down. Fighting & having sex every night or other night. Bryan talked to me. Said "did that sound like me?" when I told him bout mary threat & step off remarks. It doesn't matter. He lives in his own misery as I live in mine. He is limping, looks like poo, not eating or sleeping right. Wow how happy we were and how unhappy we are now apart. I can not change what I have already done but focus clearly on what I do next. I have therapy tomorrow and must write list of good&bad things to talk about because the domestic violence is going to be an ugly negative chat. I had my lil Nathalie today, kicked out for fighting again. I don't care, told her I did "someone hits u, u have every right to hit that person back" she hit Nathalie first. She has to hear her evil grandmother tonight anyway. But we watched Oz the Great&Powerful again ,almost all of it with her. We had Chinese, we laid together like mother&daughter I played with her hair while watching the movie. We had ice cream. What a day for her getting in house suspension tomo, but had a great day with us. I hope we get them Saturday for the parade, Jordyn&Jay will be down here. He pretending to be asleep. He quit his job. Financial reasons with his ssi & what they were taking & what he was making. Im keeping my job. I told him IDC if he leaves, his choice, I dont need his weekly money. He called me ugly last night so I broke his mixing bowl. He moaned for hours how can I make u leave, I have $$$ I want you gone, this is not working out, I have kids I dont want to die (saying im going to kill him) when he has been off his meds for over a week not me. His case manager nosey bitch keeps treating him like he under 12. Like his mother treats Natasha&Tyler the "good" grandkids she is raising. I cant deal with it all. He says he dont want drama. His life is drama. Im grateful my kids moms by birth are not around. I need my own place. So much going on right now. Pre-Admission test 3/21 @ 3:15pm, 4/3 mass court, 4/4 surgery then recovery, first weekend in May Michael coming to visit from Louisiana, my Michael. Need weekend cover, he said he will take me out & buy me clothes. Too bad I cant tone my belly before he gets here, he older and in shape. BUT I WILL BE THRILLED TO BUY NICE CLOTHES THAT ARE CLASSY FOR A WOMAN! He up probably wondering what im doing so g2 finish fast. Matt Tripp Facebooked me back said he been working, I think $$$ to spend on me??? Greed? Hope? IDK! I need my own place and my own $$$ to take care of all of me by meself. me self spelled that way on purpose. Uncle ray straight lied to me bout his vet bill, maybe not. I believe he told me he paid it off then said when I told him I needed a favor for Baby on his name but I pay bill he said nope still paying $100 month, I know he lied and it hurts my feelings cuz I jump for him. Tomorrow after work&therapy im going to walmart to buy icyhot for him & his lower back pain mom & I have 2. I am throwing his bday party every year and buy him a cake. And he lied. Why? He is Uncle Ray. Senial forever but I love him still. Speaking of love and lies im g2 call Sandra's dad Jim check on him and maybe give a lil life details its just Bryan cant be a topic while im here with nathan in earshot or he will flip. Jealousy, insecurity he has and drained me with it. UGLY was a painful straw. I told him what happened to Jen Hussey when she said I was ugly and looked like shrek, I put her head through kitchen cupboards and came off hinges. So he was laughin and I broke the bowl thats when he was like how can I get u to go, leave me alone blah...Pain inside yes. If Bryan got an apartment would he pick me up off my feet? Would I do that for him? We both need to know we love eachother and its not the place that puts us together but ourselves. SO MUCH in my head. confusion, pain, sadness, but the children keep the light on inside me. All the children. GOD BLESS THE CHILDREN PROTECT THEM LOVE THEM BE WITH THEM ALWAYS THEY ARE INNOCENT OF ALL THINGS

18:41 Mar 08 2013
Times Read: 501

I worked a double yesterday. Glad to make 8 hours this week. Happy to skip therapy today too bout being the villian of domestic violence against nathan. He aint home yet but I aint sweating it. He gave me my own copy of keys yesterday too. Then last night played game of I dont do nothing but freelance blah blah. Im in backpain now wanting him home to ice my back. Then I want to go see my memphis and baby lena. Now that im not sick anymore. g2g

Bryan getting off bus when I was getting on...told u yesterday I think ...

WARNING DETAILS
01:44 Mar 06 2013
Times Read: 507

Ozzy was there today and I was sad I did not know he was sick in hospital for the week I was at home sick. He didnt have phone to call while in there. No talking to my Michael today. My husband called while I was napping after work went to library hoping to meet up w/matt trip but he didnt show, tried reading but was falling asleep. So came home got here lil after 3:30 and napped. We had minute sex tonight whoopty doo for him. I was having problems pooping all night last night and pooping just blood this morning. Tonight I pooped some and put in prep h which helps with closed swelling pain. I get my surgery soon at miriam hospital. And then he will be sexually deprived longer (I will enjoy his torture). I will have problems moving around too after surgery so he cant throw me out then. Well he can always threaten & while recovering I will not be able to damage him as now. IF THIS IS TOO MUCH INFO DON"T READ MY JOURNAL! He tried throwing me out last weekend too but he got a black eye for it. And that only causes me more problems in therapy. Which is almost every Friday 12-1.



goodnight

01:35 Mar 06 2013
Times Read: 509

Back to work and was so happy about it. Then I had to clean bathrooms at 11am. And then they were there. Bryan, Christina & her mother Cheryl. I said hi to Christina and hugged her. Then spoke with her mother when started cleaning women's bathroom. I asked Christina for a cigarette and he had them and she told him give me one. He tried to smile at me but he looked so unhappy. I was too but he had that old lady threaten me why speak to him. It was over fast. Finished women's bathroom & went to smoke it & they were already gone. I told him his case manager had his paperwork. I cant fool myself, the love I had for his words, believing him about his belief in me. But yet I still have his damn ring, in my purse floating around. I still fool myself bout us because I carry it & have not thrown it away. Proof inside of me that I love him and want to be with him. SAMANTHA HE IS MARRIED HAS A WIFE & YOU GOT A MAN...Mary's words but I am telling myself the same thing now trying to move on. With my man in bed I listen to Drake & Rihanna. But I am going to finish A Discovery of Witches part 1 and sink in to my fantasy land of vampires, witches, daemons.

GOODNIGHT VR

02:34 Mar 05 2013
Times Read: 518

Into March, we had no phone, tv, or internet. He actually started reading a book, Nathan reading a book with his glasses on, FUNNY SIGHT! It was a bad week, I have been sick the entire time with an upper respiratory infection (BAD) ear infections in both ears, ER didnt do nothing but pain relief for cough, and had to wait til Friday to see regular doctor who put me on antibiotic amoxycillin. Then today I went to see ear, nose&throat specialist who was my ear specialist as a little girl. He sucked out access wax, one ear (left) has hole in it which ear wax is leaking from and right ear has massive scar tissue. He gave me eardrops & a stronger amoxycillin called augmentin got to pick up tomorrow. Today I have felt so much better than the last week. Saturday I went house cosmetic shopping and Sunday felt like crap again with earaches and headache. Finally enjoying music again. We had to wait til last thurs for internet and phone then get new computer tower, then get neighbor to connect hdtv to new tower. I was ok, got Discovery of Witches book 2 but got book 1 to reread and almost done with it. I saw Bryan once by the headstart/ebcap regular doc office) I was with Nathan and didnt see who he was talking with, a woman in a car, he was standing outside car. I can not look at him. It hurts, he is a liar. He bellongs with his wife. Apparently they both dressed nice&clean (FUNNY people say they are cleaned up) not drug wise though, she is still a spiced head. Ozzy called me tonight, he was in the hospital. For a week. On oxygen. He got to take care his health. His heart and lungs not good. I told him I was sick for a week too and go back to work tomorrow and Ozzy said he will be there tomo and he loves me, I love Ozzy he is family to me it dont matter bout bryan, I have known at Ozzy since 2003-4-5 somewhere in there. He been lonely but he said saw bryan&christina today&yesturday. DAMN IT I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT, I DONT WANT TO KNOW. I got my life to live. It hurts but I AM ALIVE AND STRONG! Heartbreak will not break me down NO IT WONT! I AM STRONGER THAN A LIL HEARTACHE! On my feet again, in my spirit again, wild and free and smart. I want to move away. Nathan & I finally saw & finished Hansel&Gretel get baked AWESOME! A lot of spooked kids stories made adult spooky, some suck, some rock like this one.

School has been on delay since before internet was shutoff, its on now duh im on it. My baby niece will be a month old in 7 days tomorrow. WOW beautiful baby Lena. I havent seen her since I have been sick. Sudafed&my sleep apnea overnight breathing machine help. Got to kee my ears covered. Im bringing in all Bryan's paperwork to his case manager tomo I dont want to see them anymore, they are only in my way, in my mind's way, in my heart's way. I got to move on, and he does not disappear, I got to see him in reality, I got to move on, and act as he is no one. but in reality it hurts. I saw my husband on March 2nd, our 3year anniversary & my grampa's 21st death anniversary. We met up after I made him an anniversary card & framed it, I made it through the photo machine as a card with pics of each of us, one pic I couldnt find and place it but I will make another for myself. I made Uncle Ray one with his cat Diamond & going to print out more pics for Uncle Ray for his birthday 3-22-44. Calvin still looks like an angel and I didnt get pics of us that day. We make love and whisper about our love for eachother and how we will have a child someday. I told him how I told Nathan when im pregnant, its going to be black because it will be my husband's child. I need to moveaway. SOmeday. ICP piggy pie old school uncensored MUSIC THAT MAKES ME MELLOW takes the sadness and blues and turns it up into positive adrenaline. Got a funny feeling, they will be there tomorrow, and I will hug Christina like she my girl and ask how she doing. The pain I felt seeing Bryan by the car by the docs I felt once before when Sean(Raven) left me I was only 17 and it was the first worst emotional pain shot. I got to grow up, I am not 17 anymore, 10 years older, I get to pick up myself and move. Got to do what I got to do. Living elsewhere even in Prov. with my husband was distance between newport drama and home sweet home. He lives with Ashlee for a place to live, and she allows it because he lost their daughter too to the state. They moving to newport oh goodness she bout to get section 8. then he will be closer. Once we caught we stuck together. My husband looks like an angel. I love him and I always will. Louisiana Michael will be here in May (Mass.) but we will be going out together. This is the man that molested me at 12 years old. And I hunted him down adn I wanted to rob him. lol. Then had plotted have his baby for $$$ financial purposes, or whatever. Anyway my plots diminished after lots of email and phone chats. But I know what he did. I dont want anyone to know of our lil connection. He wants to have sex with me. He has a great body for his age too. 10k race in 53 minutes. He can do pushups, situps, front room & assembly conferences, brilliant man that screwed up. I just want him to come up & spend lots of money on me. Buy me clothes at like Dressbarn, pricey but beautiful dressy clothes a woman wears who has money and forbidden. I got no forbidden. I need to do something with my hair & whiten my teeth asap. Weight, up&down them stairs exercise & cutting cigarettes. I told Michael about the hansel&gretel stoner movie and told him I am going to get him high. He laughed but I know once we in room and I got a rolled blunt he stuck smoking and we going to have fun. Distance from RI from New England is what I need. Got to go confess my day with my husband on EP.

Good Night VR