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So I cleaned the house, meditated and took a nap. I saw Billy and Sean on my way to the library. Sean gave me a ugly look and Billy didnt say anything, they just walked by me. I dont know what their problem is, except maybe Billy told Sean evrything between us including a serious relationship conversation. He got mad, and looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language trying t ospaek of us seriously. It didnt work, he left to not return. I am wondering what the problem is, but I can move on. I wanted a friend and I couldnt get one. He was there and gone in less than two weeks. Thats fine, se how long you can tolerate Sean and his family and how long you follow all they say and tell you to do. I am sad but I am strong. I refuse to cry. I only wanted a friend, and he wanted more (sex and girlfriend) and he wouldnt wait or take a serious conversation to the head so PROBLEM! I want a man not a boy friend and obviously he's not a man, just got some links missing I need. He walked on by. He better not come back or its going to be screaming and telling him to not return., OOOOHHH! I am sad and pissed, he lets Raven know our business so he can have a split personality attack. Introduce him to someone else that says yes the first day and fucks you tooo. I guess I can be happy you want a slut and you can go get one, its not me. od less than two weeks and he wants to sleep with me, thats a man thing, DENIED and he couldnt wait. I will live, went n before him, will go on after him, people always come and go into my life. I will make it. I asked my God and Goddess through the elements bring Billy to me, if it be thy will. I guess not. I just want arms around me. Too bad they want more, and will give arms plus lips and dick. DAMN IT. I shouldve been a lesbian because girls fight and stuff but they understand us and everything in us. I want im to come back, but its ok. I wanted Bobby to come back before too. Good Bye Billy.

BLESSED BE Carmella

Okay so Skyes cousin Topaz, her husband dies by drug overdose (syringes, unsure of accident or suicide) I believe knowing them it was an accident but no one knows for sure. Mom came home and told me, I left, bawling, went to Ambrys who was at mikeys, and cried to her. I felt so sick, I was trembling, dont know how my feet got me to MIkeys and home. I was so sad and couldnt believe it. She came out the house (out of it) said " I got nothing left my husbands dead. They sedated her and shes on the 8th floor, she will kill herself should they release her and she recognizes he's gone. His death was not in the paper today and I am mad about it. I dont even know if they have money for a wake, funeral, casket etc. I hope so, or I hope I can get a fund going so he can be buried like anyone else. No Billy again, I left him a note this morning saying someone died, I need you, and I miss you. but dont know for sure if he has showed up.(im positive he didnt) I was gone since 10am. Went to meet mom at Lazars, wasnt there, my fault dont know where she said to meet her and I got the next bus in town. ( I was also supposed to meet her at 10 and left at 10 and got to the lazars at 10:30am. I went to the ER to have my stitches removed, by myself, and two stitches got stuck under the skin so it hurt alot. Went to walmart and got clothes again, incense, dvdss Wrong Turn 2(couldnt find first one), 3 bon jovi cds, batteries and cookies, newspaper, panty liners from Stop & shop. Now im at the library wondering how im going to get the stuffI got into the house. (all stolen) I just got an online job so I will be raking in money soon plus my SSI. I got $400 once my first check clears (the check for $4000 that came in the mail was my first job with mr. John Powell, now I got a second offer with a textile co. from andrew sach. I hope its all legal (they say it is) but I dont need any new charges especially in fraud, larceny, charges any charges at all. G2G kids want computer. Carmellablack

Billy and I have not been getting along, not my fault this time. Trying to explain serious relationship, he looked at me like I had 3 heads or was speaking a foreign language. I miss him all the time, so keeping myself occupied is best I can do. I got my first check for my online job, and I get $400! COOL! $305 goes to school and $50 goes to a new cell. I guess I wil save the rest. Damn I got a $78 overdraft fee...DAMN But I can hope fully not deposit it and pay it on the third. MAYBE Later No Craig but no phone too. I miss Billy...He wants to be in a relatioship, but I want to be handfested but he has to take it serious or we cant do it. UH, he hasnt take n much serious, not even spending time with me, PROBLEM! We can be friends and he can do whatever but he cant leave for Sean or Seans family when hes supposed to be with me. NO BS Anyway got to make some money. LATER

Carmella

Hey Saturday morning here. I have Billy all night tonight and I am so happy. I kissed him on the lips last night, by accident, my niece distracted me then I was like "I did not just kiss you on the lips?" He's like "uh, yeah you did" I was like "Shit I didnt mean too I was distracted" He ws happy about it, I was like damn, but then we kept kissing on the lips like lotsof times. He bit me on my frigging neck too, learning it makes my body shake, he kept doing it. He's my companion and my friend, and thats how I love him. I wrote a corny little poem about him yesturday in court too. And He can brush my hair today. I am giving him those two surprises today (poem and hair, hes got an obsession with hair and I would not let him play with it before) He will like it. My poem October may win me a prize, a letter came in the mail, nothing to do with the gimic in Las Vegas. And I am thrilled I could win $1000 prize or $10000 annual grand prize for it too. I wanted to cry again when I received the real; letter. My poetry is special to me and when others notice and appreciate my only talent it maeks me happy. Billy is supposed to see me early, nope, left at 9:40 am and walked by the hosue and nothing. I am okay though, I am going to let him live his life, it makes me feel stronger when I can let him make me a priority and not be controlling, him not let me control him either is a great thiing. Craig who's he? LOL He is my lover who I will not see or hear from in a nother 4 weeks, or until he calls again and I have minutes (it willl be a while) He will not show up on his own, but will call and receive permission he can come over and I am not busy. He never cared when I cried. But I will be positive. I love Ambry, shes my only other friend (my only girlfriend) who lives 4 houses down from me and I can hang out with her and Billy together. Mikey got paid yestruday and went to Prov to spend his money, and Ambry was pissed she wanted to smoke, no one had buds and a few people blew her off (mikey) and her sisters were like got none and she was buggin. I want to smoke too, I used to bug like that until I realiaed uh no money you get nothing. I want Billy around me right now. I always do. Sometimes I can feel his arms around me at night when they are not there. He wants to be official , he asked if we were when I was gently kissing him on the lips goodbye b4 he went home to Seans to do chores and have pizza. I want some pizza. I want some ice cream. I ate a fiber choice granola bar for breakfast it was good. SHIT I didnt take my mornig meds NOT GOOD! I will a lil later though. I just wait for Billy. I am supposed to be starting my vomlunteerung at the library bkstore today. Uh dont think so though. I am so bored I guess. What snew??? Mom got a new credit card, she had to pay $20 to activate and she gets $150-$170. Shes happy. I want minutes for my cell. Thats all, maybe $10 for a bag too, AMbry and Billy would be happy I would be too. Then billy and I could lay down and watch a movie. We are going to do that anyway, Black Snake Moan, havent seen the whole thing but I like Christina Ricci and Samuel Jackson (i think thats the preacher in it trying to help her) I got a ring I ordered in the mail A garnet stone with 2 diamonds, one on each side, silver ring, and a size 8 and it fits me. Dont think it would be a pawn amount though but its pretty and the stone is huge. Got to go check out the bookstore, to see if im working. LATER

So I wrote twice yesturday and my entry didnt go through. Mikey cornered me to hang out, I agreed hoping hed bomb up, then he started talking relationships between us I say uh boyfriend, and he freaks so I walk away while he stomps in his house, so immature is all I can think. Billy left at 5 yesturday for dinner, and didnt show this mornign, he pinky sweared, but im an adult now, I am not 16 anymore so its ok. I am going to let him live his life and I can be a part of it just not on top, I can deal with not being on top, its nice to be on that list somewhere though. I am grown, I am stronger and more mature so I can live with him living his life a little away from mine. I told him I didnt trust him and he reminded me too much of Sean that I couldnt trust him. He said his actions are real and genuine, im sure sean wouldve said the same thing in the very beginning of our relationship. The day he and Raven promised Carmella and myself, our relaionship is safe, he promised, he was gone the next day. Forever. OUr relaionship was never the same even though we got back together, never slept together again after I found out he cheated on me with a guy(found out the morning after, the guy MIke he cheated mwith told my friend Jacob who called me right after MIke told him- seems like a great friend but Jacob was no good friend) Billy seems to good to be true and to drop Craig for him would not be okay with me or okay at all. I can ans will have just as a great guy and companion for now. I think its over since I told him the truth, I will be okay with that. I can and will live with someone cominga nd going from myt life, not the 1st or last time it will happen. Well its a normal day, wake, meds, coffeee, clean ,shower and meditate. SO I asked my God Apollo and my GOddess Diana for peace, strength, comfort and happiness, I had them arround me all along. Strength is in fire, my element as Sagitarrious, Happiness is in the north as Earth, Peace is inthe air, as you breathe it in and out and dont think on anything, and comfort is in the water, the waves, the rain, water of the west. So I wwas happy, having seen Apollo and Diana on either side of me with their one hand on top of my own showing me the elements of the earth give what I ask for I just to aska nd search and I found. I want to walk in the rain today, and it will be raining today. I will be shopping today and I pray I can get my necessities our home needs (catfood top priority and laundry soap) But I am scared mommy had a night mare of me getting caught. NOT GOOD! Later so I dont lose this entry too.

So I saw Nikki today and I like her alot. I also cut my thigh accidentally with a box cutter needing 7 staples, pretty deep cut. I got a chance to go to Las Vegas to the International Poetry Awards. I am crying right now because I can go for $600, and another $600 for a guest and I want to take Uncle Ray but am afraid I will not receive my retro in time to take both of us. I want to do this, I read my poem October in front of thousands of people, meet Tony Danza, and receive a trophy. Amazing. I cant wait to get home and tell mom. My stealing is a problem again. I cut myself with the box cutter accidentally cutting a package to a cell I stole (couldnt use it needed to activate it at store DUH, package wasnt lying) Also I stole Billy clothes, myself clothes and sneakers. Today I stole a bunch of books, a Goddess Weigi board, a pendulum kit too. I can not believe I have this chance to do this, Las Vegas, an award for my poetry, poem to Ernie while he's in Iraq. Goodness, am I goingto be able to go? I am going to try. THis is an opportunity of a life time. Billy came back today ansd we fought, I was alone for 48 hours and was sad, I wanted my friend to come back. He came back today in the early afternoon, he's with me now at the library. He said "Sam come bakc here and talk to me like an adult" I like how he callme Sam and holds me and rubs his hand along my hair, hes very comforting and a great companion. We then fought (more like me mad and yelling at him and walking away) cuz he made an agreement to move in with Sean and Cris (sean's gf) and asked me to go too. I sadi i dont tru tSeana and its a bad idea. I walked to Uncle Rays this morning, my discman my motivation when I couldnt find my buspass, and showed him my staples then went to see nikki. Came home, started cleaning then Billy cmae over. We argued and laid down til he had to go to his job interview then i went to Barnes&Noble. Now im at the library. The international awards of poetry is on my mind I want to cry and I want to be happy this is becauseof my poem, one of lots, one to Ernie, my best friend sinece I was 14 who is now in Iraq fighting for our country (do not include bush's ignorance in our soldiers lives and duty.) I got to go...

So Craig called me last night and we had gr eat long sex then he took me shopping. I understand now through my recent tarot reading to not fall into delusion, STAY WITH REALITY, so Im doing that and I know we're a sex couple, so I am going to keep it that way in my head. No exta favors, just great sex and move on that day. It was great, I screamed the whole time (wow no sex for 4 weeks and I was so tight it was a lil painful) he kept saying talk to me and I shook my head no. I was sweating so much I had to jump in the shower afterwards and wash up with soap. I love him but whatever, we can work or we can not. Life goes on. Other than that, nothings new except my attitude, I am not allowing the changes around me to mess with my head anymore. I am also reporting animal cruelty on this young guy who beats his nine monthold pitbull who just wants attention and when he goes to say hi to someone all happy he beats the dog kicks him and chokes him. SONOFABITCH needs to chained, choked and beat up. I hope I can take tthat puupy out of his abusive situation adn get him a good loving home. If not he is going to grow fierce attack kids and probably is being trained to be a fighting dog now. I am doing good other than that. I am happy Craig called and we saw eachother...LATER

So my ex fiance, Sean or known as Raven in my vampyre story, knocked on my door today. He was with a friend in a suit, my mom thought they were mormons. I cant believe he showed up, moved in to my neighborhood and got back from kentucky yesturday. Its good I have a friend now, mom's afraid of me getting together with him again, NO, we are just friends, im cool with just that. I mean Craig has been gone for almost 4 weeks now and I dont need to be in any kind of relationship, definitely not a sexual one. So cleaned house up and down, all broken stuff outside, then waited around for inspection man to come. Told the neighbor to mind his business about whats going on at my house, hes mentally messed up but understands english, and he said " Idontcare" odviously you do if you cant stop talking about it, I told him that too and walke din the house. Nosey sonofabitch...He wont talk bout us no more now. And the landlord wont disrespect us no more either. I have abandoned Uncle Ray and feel very guilty, I lov ehim and havent gone to see him, im afraid of taking the bus alone, I dont like going anywhere on my own at all, part of Borderline, I can be home alone now (studying cleaning or sleeping) but not walk anywhere...Well news update Good news to me anyway

So another long day. I started Ambien last night for sleep and after smoking was out like a light. I think my body is sleepy just cuz its not immuned or used to the ambien. I am going to stick to it and not smoke during the day, just at night before bed when I have it (weed was the only thing working for my insomnia for a long time, I was on trazedone but after 3-5 wks they were increasing the dosage then up to 150mg and I was out of it the next day) so I asked the doc for medicine cuz I didnt have weed to smoke before bed anymore. Changes are everywhere Im so scared. My niece's father got out of jail yesturday after 3 years, and I am not sure the chance my sister being with him again, but after 7 years of being isolated in her room (being with him) to 3 years of being free, independent and herself I am afraid for her life and her future. I think he would start beating her again, kill the child inside her (not his obviously) and she will kill herself in the end not knowing how to leave him and her life doing a 180 again. I am scared for my sister Janie whose is also with child (due in July) that her life will change for the worse should she have this child and his father Kelsey abandon them both after he is born(he has 5 other kids, no child support, custody, doesnt see them-after 3 years one of his sons, Dasha, 5, and one of his daughters Nia, 11, who live with his mother in N.C. came up last summer. My family feel in love with them, not to see them again until he gets a job.)He just did, but he has done the whole im working for 3 wks tops then quitting...My sister Skye is pregnant also and has 2yrold twin boys now. CRAZY! I cant change the lives around me or help them at all, but the changes in their lives affect mine as well. Whose the selfish one? Myself cuz I fear for the danger that comes with the changes, or them for not caring about who else's lives they affect? Maybe we are both selfish in some way. I have an emotional brain disorders ( afew actually) and they tend to go out of control with change at all. I was so mentally stressed the other day I threw up, first time thats happened, NOT GOOD! My mom's friends Tracey and Amy are both moving and shes going to be emotionally distraught with that. My little sister,15, is in her wild teen phase, stay out of my life, i can do what I want, I dont need to stay in this house and I can choose my own friends and do what I want(she doesnt do drugs drink or have sex like a lot of other teen kids) but her mouth is nasty disrespectful loud and upsetting to my mother and myself. School getting closer seems gret, getting all this money seems great, but will I be able to start over, somewhere, alone or am I stuck with my mother and the environment im in now?SCARED,CONFUSED,SHOCKED,DISTURBED, MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY EVERY THINGS GOING OUT OF CONTROL! Ca I handle this all, or is all this going to tear me apart??? I am tired and worn out and nauseous alot of the time, but the changes are going out of control and make it worse. No Craig still and im okay, I think about our good times and smile. Joshua is far away and im glad we still text and write. Ivan is a great help too just to talk to someone I know needs someone to talk too to and doesnt want to sleep with me. Uncle Rays health going down the drain, cancelled his surgery tomo -said has a cold and wasnt up to it, stubborn old man-getting test for colon cancer... My lil sisters father, his health on the line-doesnt take care of himself at all, green teeth, eats what? , has dialysis every other day- and my lil sister will have a bad reaction to his death...Mom fears for all the changes too-more Stacey and Steve (sister and niece's father) HELPLESS AND ILL WILL IT ALL AND CLUELESS HOW TO HELP MYSELF GET THROUGH IT

I am exhausted, had 9:30 doc apt, and now prescribed ambien for sleep. I wrote a forum on the N word and gotr some comments on how it was silly ranting, in the wrong place, and others said good column, wrong place. I am not sleeping which is why im on ambien now, scared of side effects...I have to study while babysitting my rodents in Fall River at 2-3pm. Be there til 5pm...Coming back home though. cant sleep there, need my bed, and need to do my schedule in the morn every day at home. Need to smoke more buds but cant get my hands on it at night to sleep(when I need it) DOnt know what else to say. LATER

Carmella

So I just wrote this long entry that didnt go through and couldnt go back to it! I got stood up by a volunteering library job and im stuck with the rest of the day to be bored and lonely and miserable.

So I got a job volunteering at the new library book store and I am thrilled. It gives me something to do with my time and its a great job reference and I could end up with a real library job after working here so long. I also am receiving $605 on July 11th for my first SSI check and it will be going to school and Wicca classes, I am excited about that too. I am sick of being lonely and bored all the time...I still need proof of paying 1/3 of all household things-utilities,food and rent, before I receive my retro active. I t will be $2000 every 3 months ten after six months I receive the rest...Car soon, liscense first...SO things are getting better here...I miss Craig and I deal with im gone. I dream bout BObby & Kayla every nite now...It makes me sick when I wake up but I got to leave him behind... I must make peace within myself before i can leave RI. I misss Cezar, im going up there once I get my money, greyhound to visit for the weekend. I feel sick again. I am nausous alot but im not pregnant so I wonder what is wrong. I think it is the aura of all those pg around me. But I dont know, maybe stress on the brain as well. G2G Thanks for caring enough to read my secrets/Life

Carmella

Skye went to jail for the weekend in Mass. I got stuk with those kids. It was horrible. I didnt sleep I was nausous and feeding my face, smoked weed and it was bad. I dont know if its the pregnancy aura in the air, the kids, homesick, my bed, my depression meds or what, but I hated being there, isolated, with no one no phone today all day. I got to the library in time to see I have no mail and my movies in on time. House inspection on the 14th along with uncles overnight testing which has me worried even though my tarot said whats seems to be upsetting you is not as bad as it seems and is not life threatening. Helps a little, but as long as you believe you are good. Ivan called me last night from NC, my friend for years now in the Marines. We started talking about a beneficial marriage again, funny, but serious. But now I got to ask him whats in it for him, im doing it for the military benefits and such, why would he be doing it? Hes not going back to Iraq and gets out of the military in a year(may09) so I wonder why he would consider the marriage. Thinking about it is funny cuz my family knows him and most of his family knows me or has heard of me, we were raised in the same baptist church and his cousin was my best friend through middle school (her name is Judy and she is now married in Puerto Rico with two kids-maybe 3) I havent seen her in years maybe shed come to our wedding. I am so dead brained right now and I need some adventure in my life. Its so boring right now but I guess better boring than trouble around, right? Computers maybe shutting down soon so Later

Carmella

Nothing has changed, not even my clepto addict-ion. So I robbed Shaws (stupid stuff) and Walmart (mad clothes 4 Sandra, my mommy, and myself. Mommy was so mad. I hung out with her today, went to SSI to find out I receive $605 on June 11, next month. Happy about that, but have to prove im paying one third house bills, so need to prove im paying rent then I receive my retro after that. I get paid once every three months so much, then the rest after six months. I also receive $724 after I prove im helping in the home 1/3 of food, utilities and rent. I have utilities in my name so I just need food & rent receipts (money orders on rent) and then I call her and Im good for everything else. Oh I saw Bobby today too. He just stared at me, I smiled as I walked by, saw fat mammoth Zach too and I smiled at him. The people that hate me can keep hating me, im satisfied with where my life is going right now. Car ASAP, lawyer $2000 from first retro check (he deserves it and I owe him for saving me twice without giving him one cent) Mommy and I fought alot because we are both tired and I dont understand her at alll. But thats ok. She's still my mom. About to activate my $50 credit card today too. Then I can mom, Sandra and myself new shoes for work and play and out door no sandals days. I got flipflops(comfy) all 3 of us bathing suits and mommy two outfits 4 church(shell loook lovely-getting her ahir done Saturday and im getting her shoes for her suits) I need a friend. I got $15 so I want to find bud, im lonely through it all. Craig is gone, I dont want him to call me back it will just hurt me when I see his missed call, but I am stronger than my love for him knowing he doesntt love me. Its ok, I am strong, thats why I dont care people hate me, I love myself and how im turning life positive. Wait til they see me in a car, newclothes, new hair style, contacts, fixed teeth, everything. They will hate me even more for being a better person. g2g I am in higher spirits even though I hate being alone. I am going to give Mikeys friends $5 to see if theyll smoke with me. I need it for my brain. Also my nuerologist Dr. Kozel (cool doc. very handsome for his age and dresses very professional) he told me to sign up for the medical marijuana to go to sleep(insomnia is bad, and the lil sleep I get is horrible nightmares) so im going to do that now. Later

Carmella Black