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Its been going with mom to Uncles for lunch and a shower every day now and library. Its been fine. Uncle feeding us has been helpful, food stamps come Saturday. I miss Joshua. I miss him becasue he treats me so well and is the best choice for my future . I love Craig I really do and my future will him exists in my heart, but is not real, it is fantasy, I can have fantasy in my books but not when it coes to damaging my reality, you and the heart is the mst wicked and deceitful inside us. The Bible says that. Thinking when you believe you are in love, you say you feel it in your heart, then when its gone you are in lots of pain. I am going to have a fabulous Halloween, bless the God and Goddess on this day, and tell our loved ones past they are not forgotten but missed. My Nana(dad's mom), my grand parents(mom's parents), my mom's foster parents, Johnny, Joshua, Lizzie, Bee, lots have gone before us, lots of loved ones, all our soldiers killed in this war. They are not forgotten none and they are honored for dying for our country and have lots of broken hearts till mending from their deaths. This is a day of recognition for those we have lost. And I will honor them and still have a great night dressed up with my family. Oh, Joshua how I wish you were with me now, but we willb e together again. I wish for his proposal before he goes to Ira, if not, im afraid we have no future. I cant take the chance of getting pregnant with anyone who I do not hold life and eternity with. I miss my nana who died on thurs. Nov.15or16. Her birthday os Valentines. I will not forget to honor and respect the ways of my Lord and Lady on this specail day. So its home with groceries then Uncles until kids get out of school then Janies to see Marky and Jordyn and Memphis. Maybe smoke with Kelsey. I have bought no stogs and Im sure I could ask mom for 3 bucks but I will not. I had half my last energy drink today and some coffee, a little. So im doing well cutting back. Stogs I need to end completely so I must smoke buds without smokers. Yeah. And Ambry's sister Lisa is bringing me a kitten sat. for uncle aray. He is very excited, mom's the only one not so happy. ALmost noon so on my way out. LATER



My depression has cleared, but its there inside, just not drowning me now. Mom's not happy about me discussing going on the 8th floor after Halloween. NO! I had a dream about Kayla and I alking, and understanding eachoutherm and smoking a blunt with skye stac and mom there unhappy in a lil hotel room connected to PizzaHut where Wendys really is (dream) Then bob showed up wtith his mother-no surprise even today- and freaks out and they leave Kayla crying, I said that's funny he gets mad weare chatting yet he was talking to me last night not around you. ANyway it was weird and col and of course unreal. Never going to happen. I asked her why she was constantly at Miantonomi Park for 2-5 hours almost everyday, she smoiled and then said meeting my mom and running errands-sad her mom actually died when she was 4 at CLiff walk, and she was raised by her dads mother who didnt treat her nicley. she called her a slut and drug addict like her mother, funny her grandma never knew how right she was. In my dream Kayla was pregnant, in relaity I dont know, I dont trust anytihng Jacob says, he sayd her stomach is not pregnant. I do not think of KAitlyn it hurtsb but I am not buying oz or helping them out. I cant. Not now. After he lied and dismissed me from his life rather fast. He can be a father to her. I am on my own agagin. With no frineds, just acquantences. Oh well. oon my way out...

So I have been hanging out with Stacy, and am changing my # @ Uncle Rays today. No more Jacob, or drama. Lacey will not have a chance to get my #. FUck all of them. Kaitlyn is safe, Jacob didnt need me in her life and is not getting my help for her either. Lacey gets to know I dont see her anymore and not know why.Because Jacob lied abotu a lot of things. Should I have been friends with Lacey they could have a hotel room safe and warm and comfy, phone and cable, clean sterilized bathroom etc. But I cant be friend her regardless, I can never respect her again, as Kaitlyns tests have revealed her as not being a supportive attentive mother. She has screwed up alot and giving Cezar head I couldve gotten over if Kaitlyn was taken care of. I am sick to my stomach about Kaitlyns health and habits, but they are being changed for the better and have already started changiong. She is well. Jacob is still a liar but he Kaitlyn comes first, I dont care. I saw sexy Justin yesturday. I havent seen him i n a long time. i used to see him early @ stop and shop when I lived in the green and he is hot, perfect beautiful white teeth, sexy, sexy chub too, beautiful eyes an facil features including some hair, look slike he could turn in to a werewolf lol but incredibly sexy. MOm and Stac said ask him out...NO, he can ask me, im mean ive only been crushing on him like since I was a younger teen. I said no bf, my ex got into stuff I couldnt tolerate, he lef tme for someone who hooked him on to that bad stuff, then married her and had somekids. Good for him. I wonder botu Justin, he was daitng this gothic pierced chic who was ugly... thats his type. I owuld love goth clothes but casnt afford them. No facial piercings though, and no make up. I want my teeth perfected, and contacts, and hair layered, and with my acne and weight I can tolerate, weight, lemon water every day, hot or cold (rids of water gain which is access depo) and acne comes and goes, maybe on eday it will vanish. I need a friend, I have none. And I am still not interested in hanging with Chris and Anne Marie. I dont trust them or that area. SO im mom and stacy stuck for now. I cant wait until my payday. Church again Tuesdaymom said so to call them and have them fax info to auntys shop should help then church in the morn with that data. I hope they give us the whole $200 to turn it back on thats another 100 saved-clothes hell yeah. LATER

A really long day, I havent been sleeping well the ambien doesnt work like it should, they stop wprking on me. I am tired, I was up @ 5:30 and twisted and turned all night. I had 2 cups of coffee and a bowl of cereal. Then I went to housing hotline until they opened, I saw Lacey's migit friend with some guy-didnt realize it was Laceys bitch til I asked er for a lighter and she mumbled to her guy friend "that's Samantha something something Lacey" then "something beat something" Theyt always talk shit and cant even say it so you can hear. Loser. No life obviously Laceys puppy. I called gas, their computers are down, so call beack at 12, well wait was 1hr54minto2hr4min waitng time. Uh no. mom's not going to be happy. Im not either. My cats are cold and so is the rest of the house. Jacob and Lacey's attorneys agreed to 1hr15 min supervised visitation with his mom. Lacey disagreed. Waiting for lawyers again. SHe does not get it unsupervised so she can take er away again. NO! After leaving housing hotline I went to uncles hit the shower and watched some Maury. Then I got the bus home for lunch, was supposed to meet mom on bus but got the one after her. Uncle went to walmart so we got the bus together. After lunch I came here. I want to see Kaitlyn. I have to wait until Carol brings Evan back to the airport. He's going back to college in Fla. So now I am supposed to get this bus to Chris, g2g...Im a lil nervous, I actually am afraid CHris and Anne MArie would set me up, Jacob said they wouild, and they set me up to have Stacy burnt too through me delivering. LATER

Well Friday night, Craig came through and took away all my stress and depression. I am not afraid anymore. I am going to axe her in the face (mace her with axe anyway) and claim self defense, I tihnk the gang unit will side with me. And of course whos the rat then, crying she got maced in her eyes...I see uncle ray everyday to shower and eat there. Food delivery from stop and shop comes tonight between 5-7, im happy. I am mad at myself I didnt go to church. The people deserved me to be a visitor for helping me out with $112 dollars worth in groceries. I need to attend the church. I am positive I will like the atmosphere, and they read the international version of the Bible, I have one, a little one, I received from Suzanna at my uncles church. Uncle Ray has been getting on my nerves, dont do thid, that, see him, or them, etc im sick, want me to sit here and eat his food or sit home and study. I am going to study more, its just Spanish, I have to wait to get one's score before sending in another one. And it takes forever. Mom thinks im having seizures in my sleep now. She slept with me a little last night said I was shaking a lot. I dont know, I dont think so, because I had dreams, more than one, the ending of the last I remember but dont want it recoreded. My dreaasm scare me sometimes. They mentally wear me out (the nightmares do) I didnt se Kaitlyn last night, I went shopping with Chris and Anne Maries and got a pack of stogs so im happy, he should be happy too. (Jacob) Chris and Anne Marie cut ties with everyone already cuz Jacob, gang unit, baby getting taken, lacey etc. (DRAMA) It was relaxing there last night, they were working on cleaning the house and doing al their laundry, she made dinner, loked for buds and went shopping cam e back then I got that next bus home. Read a lil, meds, bed. All 4 cats slept in my room today cuz the neighbor's heat keeps my room warm, he had his electric disconnected from my room (I was not happy) but now he turns his heat on and I feel it so do the carts and my mom. The rest of the hosue-living room especially-is freezing cold. So Kaitlyn clings to me adn almost cried when I said I was going out to smoke a stog with Jacob. She didnt I let her cling to me, then i said im tired i g2g home and goto sleep. She went potty with grandma then and we left. We ve been real close. I see how how much he's changed since she got here. We are not letting her go back, I wouldnt either, I will kill lacey first. Or die by her hands but she will never hav Kaitlyyn again. I have to go. I am tired. Got o see next Prov bus going to uncles to shower. and eat some toast. I got to call Jacob too. LATER CARMELLA



oh Joshua texted me @ 2:38am SAT. morn ILOVEYOU it made me happy, he already got my letters and is trying to understand me and my frame of mind.LOL

So after my drunk night, Lacey does show up with Kaitlyn my goddaughter and her mother. Jacob does have Kaitlyn and had Lacey escorted her out by police. I Have had a few verbal confrontations with her so far. ANd Steph called me a rat or snitch or what not. Laacey called me a skank bitch walking away, I said im right here. SHe screamed some past business of mine too and It doesnt bother me anymore. She bought up swat being at his house, when LAcey said she had him at gunpoint. Too Bad, I was drunk, she shouldnt have done that. Britt had nothing to say to her, im sure Jen hasnt collided with her. Im sure im the only one willing to cut her face open, not thorw hands but knives. She's a Blood and so his her man who came the day after Kaitlyn remained with Jaacob and Lacey was escorted out police. Funny they all say im blood or crip now. I am a clown. Thats what I am. I want to stay in Park Holm, Crip territory and Lacey wont go there. so im safe there. I want to get a crip help but dont see how and why theyd help me anyway. Maybe they just want bloods out of here. Im mentally terrified of jail isolation and I am not thrilled getting jumped by some newport teens that think they are gang members. I know that Newport has gotten some real gang members from Prov and some bad drugs form there too. Wow what am i supposed to do. I would like to see her dead or gone. At least dead shes not coming back. I am sad that my cousin had told me to leave and go home, Mackenzie my high school friend took me out of there literally. We had run into eachother and decided to hang out and smoke. Unfortunately we had to go back to the paramont to get it and she was out there with Steph, Anne MArie, her man and conversating along with Allan. Allan wasm y first kiss years ago in the Cranston Calvert park. He is not faithful but told Jacob I was safe. Jacob said go to the police, I dont like the police, they get you in trouble after you see them. I am not a rat, telling Jacob Laceys man is here and thats it, im a snitch, for real? Jaocb says report it to the police, I tohught that was a rat. im considered one now and im sick and upset. How do I get a crips' attention??? I want to wear a black or white bandana around, so when someone asks should they, im a clown and I need fucking help...Stupid white girl from Newport that doesnt know how to defend hersel;f from a knife (cant carry one) gun cant get one and wouldnt carry it and gettinug jumpoed by mad lil wanna be bloods in Newport. Wow im not safe, I dont feel safe. ANd I dont know the difference from a Crip real from out of town to wannabe youngens around here tryiong to be cool playing with guns and drugs. No kids, no disesases, love bud, record of B&E ex snitched, maybe get Kayla fucked in the porcess of being a rat. GOddess what am I supposed to do? Keep me safe and striong today and my family that they may not be taken advantage of. COnfused, sad, angry, nauseous...ETC

Maybe I can be fine ... Blessed Be

Yeah the depreesion has been bad, I cried the day of my sisters baby shower like all day. Bud is really the only thing that helps for a day. Craig has not contacted me. JERK! I had so much fun last night though, full mooon, what do you know? Dome gave me a ride to my uncles, he saw me at the busstop again...Said hed pick me up at 6:30 but I went to a different bus stop, at 8 sarah came with him and her man to get me. I was so drunk. Just drinking down beer smoking mad stogs, and a lil gin andsprite. We hung at saras there was another guy Brandon there, then we hit downtown, walked around, salas, a bar on thames to meet fatty and her dirty crackhead bf, and they were whatever so we left them. Dome and I went in the bar I gulped his beer down he gave to me, $5 he wasnt happy but I was. Then we went driving around and brandon brok ehis interior light, dome said every onein the back get out the f***in car. I was so scared I thought he was leaving us there and I didnt know where I was and I was os drunk. Then we went to battery park and vanzandt pier, when Mike and Sara staerted fightin, Brandon and DOme trying to sleep with me. UH no thanks. Brandon also looks and sounds like Criag, I was sick and sad texting Craig I love you im drunk I want 2 F*** you and he never texted back or called opr emailed. I told Brandon and Dome he looked like Criag and I hate it, I wanted to throw up. I couldnt brte to hear him or look aThim. Dome got me oput the car to sit on a bench overlooking the water. Very nice. Him and Brandon took turns keeeping me warm. Dome said I fit perfect in front of his body. He said last year his resolution wan to not sleep with just anyone, and this year he wants to stop cheating on his wife. I slept wit him on at the park, slept with him b4 so I didnt feel like a slut. I kissed Brandon once and so did Sara. Mike wasnt in the car, she said omg please dont tell micheal. she was screaming micheal at him all night. I went home at 2am. MOm didnt know or maybe and didnt say nothing that I was drunk. Came in brushed teeth pj pants crash. up at 630 back to sleep til 8 back to sleep til 9 up at 1045. yeah. I want to do it again. I am going to be a drunk...But I want bud, no stogs or bud or money sux...I ant to get drnk again tonight. IT was rela fun, adn I like hanging out with all of them. except when theres drama. normal morning, meds, clean up, wait for mom, dollar tree dinner and then librbaty. BYE Carmella

SO I am in major depreession. I have been and no idea why. Maybe stress, maybe stress makes it worse. I am scared of life. I was once so scared of being alone id cut myself and over dosed a few times but lived through it. Now I am afraid to leave my house alone. I just want to stay under the covers untl my mom says ill go with you to wherever needed. I can handle being alone now, just have coffee, stretch, exercise, clean the house, study, read, sleep etc

Now I am scared of being aloen outsied my home. I dont know how to liv ein reality. I use my books (fiction) on witches, vampires, werewolves, whatever to stay safe in my own world fantasy land. As a Wiccan I try to meditate and clear my mind alot, but has not worked (once years ago but not now when I need it more) I have Borderline Personality disorder, depresssion, some cognitive disorder, im very emotionally damaged and scarred and was mentally emotionally drained throughout my life. I study my disorders, Wicca, and even psychology to understand myself and get through my life. I believe I am meant to be a solitary in life in general. I believe if I had my own place id be better off, but dont think id ever leave my hom ewithout someone else either unless I lived in front of a busstop. WHat is wrong with me? My stepdad understands better than anyone, and he abandoned me at 11, part of my emotional damage , when he left was the first time I oded on bleach. I talk to him now on occasion. I need a vacation and New Hampshire wherehe lives seems a great place. I wrote matt and explained the emotions in my head. I cant do it again, not now, takes to long, and I cant explain it, just like im empty and sick and miserable. WHat is wrong with me? Meds do not help but I take em. Like a good girl. Weed helps but im broke so thatsoff the chart fo rnow. stogs dont help only when im high. Liquor doesnt hlp. Just makes me sleepy (vodka is my drink) rum and dark liq make me sick and miserable. I dont know how to grow and be an adult on my own. Joshua has no idea of how my disorder affects me. I wrote him and explained somewhat when I was in a better mood and explained books taha could explain it better. Stop Walking On Eggshells. Maybe he will find time and read it. WE can be married before he goes oversesa, its his choice, id be thrille.d I am afraid when he goes overseas, there will be no us. I am afraid of making a mistake that will rin the future we can have. I love Craig, he doesnt love me, I love sex with raig, I need it now asap to remove my stress and depression and negativity im drowning in now. I ve been calling him for days. He might have tonight off. Maybe hell call. Jacob told me he loved me last night, I didnt believe him, and he was drunk trying to kiss me. Uh tha was yuck and awkward. Today he said he forgot last night. NICE! I am glad I didnt belive him and I wouldnt sleep with him. Only Criag can remove everytihng through sex. Oh if he only knew i knew to have sex with him for my own sanity. Would he come throuhg? He does when he wants. I got to text him and email him dirty, that always gets his attenio. G2G do ing that now .

I talked to Joshua for 45 minutes, last night, and I am so happy, and I went through all our memories like they were all yesturday, he said he loves me and maybe we can get married beofre he goes overseas. His lst year in college then off to war...He said he sees it as his job not like a life threatening anything, I explained my point of view and he understands now where I come from with the military. Patience, and sacrifice and dealing with things when you are in love. To truly love him, I sacrifice myself in being a military wife and a lot more. TO truly love me IM taking my 2 cats wherever we go and no kids until we have the time, he will see our child being born. Im crazy, press on the breaks after I started out on gas...Got to slowdown. g2g I love Joshua. Craig has no idea. But he doesnt love me anyway. LATER