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My sister Stacey is 1 year and 9 days older than me. I love her so much, she doesn't have a clue. And her man don't know how much I love her and my nieces either. My baby sister (21 now) is due is 13 days. Well my sisters always bond while pregnant and I don't get pregnant. I had my 3 children (boy/girl 12yr old twins, 18yrold girl) brought in to my life through their father. their biological not around. different moms too. I just feel blue about Stacey always being with Sandra, Stacy was mad at first Sandra was pregnant but she and her man are always there for her now. I text her time to time hey remember me? the sister who stabbed someone for beating you, the one who wrote her man now for 5 years when he was in federal prison and she had another man...No, Sam nothing you do or done shows matters to my blood, but all I do for my twins means everything to them. These kids are my life now. I wonder what would happen should Nate&I split for good and I have a child with someone else how that would affect my relationship with my twins...I wonder when Nate is going to snap again, and then I move back to Prov with my husband, my angel, and have a child with him, and live in Prov, who got a problem with that is too damn bad. I lived out my mother's wishes but only temporarily. Not permanently mommy sorry, I love you but my happinss and security doesn't revolve around your choices. I want Stacy in my life and my nieces. But I got to deal with my place among my family. Nathan&Nathalie(how she likes to spell it really no H in her name) are my kids, and living with their grandmother, his mother, we have them when she feels like tossing them at us, not no schedule or nothing. I want them full time and a real 3 bedroom apartment but my wishes are illusions he lets me believe in to remain here. I can only take sooo much before I snap. Burned myself 2 more times too. let my husband, my angel go. cut off ex who stole $300.00 from me and his family. I stay. My mom doesn't know about the rape, anal rape but since I confronted him as a rapist he stopped with the rapes. I am not happy. its not him either its me, and my future I must create for myself. NEVER GONNA BE ALONE BY NIECKELBACK ON

o another day in m y life. UGH! Flu hitting hard today a few people close to me. My man Nathan sick, my friend Teresa, my other sister Paula(my ex Randy's sister). I am sweating and feel exhausted. My head felt funny all day I thought I would have a seizure but the air is stuck with the virus. Influencia I guess is the new "bug" or flu. He is so sick and my debit card is pending my money today date and it will not let me spend says $-2.40 but $674 set to post on Sept.30th today yet its not there. Nathan went to ATM (I know I can trust Nathan-it kills Randy Nathan has my debit card and its pin number but Randy hurt himself.) I said "let me show you off you came to hit on me" So Randy kissed me on the cheek today in front of Jackie well it hurt Jackie, I want her to see him as a con he is, and not let him play with her heart no more, but she is stubborn and lonely. He came and played her, conned her for $600.00 he actually stole the $300 from me. I want her to open her eyes to the Randy we did not want to see. Damn. I want to be happy. I let my husband go tonight. I do not know whether he is going to commit suicide before or after intoxicating himself (getting drunk) tonight. So scary to not know what is going to happen to him next. I love him, He is my Husband, my Angel. I let him fly away. He did not want too. I chose this fool because mommy wanted me to stay close to home. To stay here. Not have contact with Randy or his family. She wanted me to let Calvin go first. She said "Reputation you are creating for yourself, is not a good one, if you can not think for yourself they will have to put you away. Take your freedom and smoking. Do you want that? You cant keep doing this back and forth." And more but the words written on my head by people closest to me they did not say the words but writ them on my forehead in my mind. I felt like a sucker, whore, heartless nobody. The four people I saw closest to me put one of the four words on my forehead. WOW! So I burned myself again. It was Thursday night, I skipped work Friday knowing Randy would be there but I went to his house Thursday and my mom caught me and said all that mean stuff. Keeping me here. Allowing my mother to make my choices. Or making the choices that keep her at ease. It is not fair. I need to let my husband go or go have a child with him and leave Nathan and my kids behind. How do I choose between my husband and children, not a choice, kids come first, on top and I didn't have to give birth to them for them to be my own children. I love them soooo. So its been a rough week. I am trying to find a place for Jamal & I, a 2 bedroom, we friends that need our own place to call home. He outside and its getting colder. I am only tormenting myself more and more. I told Nathan I would murder him tomorrow, now he will know it was a joke, but in my head it was a way for me to make him say goodbye and it didn't work. I ended up where I started. Why can I not at least go to Indiana for vacation, breathe, have fun, see different places, meet different people, think clearly without anyone in my head. They are all in my head. My mommy is so stubborn she doesnt notice the burns are there while I live here. And doesn't want to listen to anything unless it comes from me, I will not admit the rape, anally or vaginally to anyone else. My ex Randy was the first one to find out, NOPE Uncle Ray was first, then Randy, then Calvin. It dont matter to her what she dont know. Can I go back to my husband tomorrow??? Is there even a chance of my life turning around? Just go off my pill sneak around with him and pray its his child then movein and start what we wanted all along...Is that a fantasy? He home soon g2g.