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I wish I was a better person. I wish I cared more for my mother and didn't hate so much on my father. I wish I wasn't so distant from my brother and other family members. I wish I wasn't so constantly about my own needs (work, meetings, gym etc) and more for other people. I wish I knew how to love a person without feeling like I have to pleasure them. I wish I could walk outside without makeup on since I feel like I have to be perfect constantly. I wish I felt more passion or excitement and that I didn't feel like my life is boring right now. I wish I didn't have to constantly have those habits (major big habits) take over me and winning every fucken time. I wish I felt more happy and didn't have to fake a smile. I wish for certain things that come natural in life I could have but I know I never will because of how my family is. I wish I had a surprise sixteen party but never got it because of my family fighting. I wish that when I get married I could see all of my family but I know I wont. I have a lot of things that I wish for but right now I think it's just I wish I knew what it was like to feel happy since I don't really know what it feels like or what it's like to smile and mean it.

I was always the one who saw the light in people no matter how much wrong they did. I am not saying I hate you it's just that I am disappointed. I blame the fact we never had time to really sit down and talk about what's going on with our lives, telling me how to make better decisions on boyfriends and that I don't have to try and be perfect to the point that I took serious measures to become that for everyone. I smile when I see you and though we hang out I still feel that distance. I now realize that though I do love and care for you as a daughter that I will never be close to you as I was at the age of 5 - 11. I think of that thought and scary enough I feel okay with it because I have learned to deal with it. You know of the decisions I want in life with living in LA and being big with my cosmetics and even if I don't make it (though I will try and make it big) just remember you were the number one supporter for me and I always will love you for that.

It must be so difficult to be a man. You wake up go to work, deal with alot of people to come home to a nice cooked meal. Taking the woman you say "you love" for granted while your looking at another chick I bet it must be so hard on you. Just for once I wish I knew what went through that head of yours. I wish I could do what you did and put myself first all the time while making the rules up as I go. I wish I knew what it was like to sleep with another woman knowing the girl who is committed to you 100% is at home taking care of making you dinner while looking after your kids. To be able to do all that I am so sorry but it must be difficult. I swear though if I was a boy I think I could understand how it would feel to love someone 100% I swear I'd be a better man. I would take my time to listen to her because I know how it hurts to feel like your putting your all into something to realize in the end you got nothing. I am so fucking sorry it was difficult to be a man and to feel like life is hard on you but you chose the life you wanted and ended up where you did. This doesn't make you a bad person just makes me realize how shitty of a man you were to a person I cared a lot for. For this and how you treated that person I will never forgive you, I will be able to look at you and say I am okay with talking to you but I will never feel the way I did before I heard it all.

My body needs a hero. Come and save me. I just want you to be my doctor so you can check me out. Something tells me that you know how to save me. Oh I need you to come and rescue me. Make me feel alive. Come on and turn me. Touch me save my life and turn me on. Boy my body is achin' for you to come and get it. If I scream if I cry it's only cause I feel alive.

I never felt so alive. The begining we had fire the passion. I sit here talking to you and damnit I love you but I can never go back to you. I never felt such pain letting go of a person I fell for many years ago. I don't blame you for doing those things you did it was us just being too young to understand anything. It's just not fair that you talk to me now and wish for us to be back when you know I can't do it anymore. I can't give you everything of me I just can't. I am sorry for letting this die and just telling you we're better off as friends. It pains me and I always have you on the brain but I need to be the big girl you knew I would become and move on. Please don't be mad at me for saying no to you this once and that I just want to focus on me and my career.

You like the smell of blood. Oh how your words cut me like a knife. You always knew which best artillery to use. Hate how your gone. No matter how far I ran I knew sooner or later you would come back. Just when I was getting life back together you would find a way and pull me in. Pulling the gun out and pointing the gun to my heart I felt the pain sink in as you pulled the trigger. Call me a Harley Quinn I love to feel the pain and dark side. Your love was like a suicide and I couldn't let go. Your love is a suicide that I somehow managed to survive.

He is a loser, he is a liar, he has hurt and huslted his way into my heart. He is just another guy I thought could be the one. He is the devil in disguise that I have loved and pined for. Never do I change him or his ways, and yet when I don't they enjoy to bring me pain. Oh how he was never like this at the begining with me. This type of love that I find myself in isn't rational it's only physical. I swear I should be in some pshych ward for getting a man like this in my life and loving him, and yet I still say I am fine. All reasons aside I love him, and he has stolen my heart like some criminal would steal something. I guess it's okay, oh how I love him and yet he is the devil in disguise a criminal with my heart in his hand smiling knowing he has me.

I have been called hot, sexy, pretty. I have been told I got epic boobs, amazing eyes, awsome lips along with sex hair. Though looking good and being a pretty face is great I get sick of people thinking that I am nothing more than some bimbo. Yes I show my bra off on cam for fun, yes I dance like a white chick, yes I overdue it on my makeup but you wouldn't know I have a degree in Early Childhood Education. You wouldn't know I am a teacher at a daycare and work very hard to keep those kids in line. You wouldn't know I was a second degree black belt and left the place because the girls where afraid to face me. You only know of what you see on cam and though that is great I get annoyed when I hear people say that's all I am worth. Well sorry I am worth more than you think it's just people like you refuse to talk to me, and get into deep conversations from politics to philisophical events or even about the illuminati. Yeah I know alot I just don't look the part so next time you wanna say all I am worth is just face and tits well take a second look and get to know that there is more to this chick than boobs, makeup and alot of hair. Yeah that's all I wanted to say THANKS

COMMENTS

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Lordpeace
18:47 Dec 03 2011

wow curious maybe you know some things about the illuminati that i dont (not saying i know all)

and if you have your degree then you are an intelligent woman i would like to know two things

who is your favorite author and who is your favorite poet

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DragonReborn
21:17 Dec 04 2011

you tell em..Too many times people judge others by looks alone.They never take the time to look deeper or to get to know the person.They see a pretty face and that is all they think about.I am very impressed with all your achievements.Keep up the good work

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I might be too strong out on compliments, Overdosed on confidence started not to give a fuck and stop fearing the concequence, Becoming a workoholic because it's become a drug I can't let go of, Faded way too long im floating in and out on consciousness, I find myself coming and going in life and not living enough, It's becoming something that has been scaring the crap out of me, Days have been running short and all I realize is that I have been working, I need some free play and when I do I find myself having little to care for of it, Wondering what the fuck is wrong with me since I seem to have lost touch of reality from time to time, Not giving a shit for relationships since most of them have been useless in my lifespan, Had a few people tell me to stop and relax, And though it was needed I have tried but realized I can't, In dire need of it and some rest since I lack in it but what's a kid to do when your only twenty two, It's either I'm working or not and if I find myself not working or not doing anything then well I might as well be dead, I can't seem to stop and I don't think I ever will, I wonder if it's a problem or not, Maybe I need to see a shrink and explain to them all my addictions to from work to sex to see what they say, But then again do I really need too do that or maybe I just need a friend someone to talk too, I will never know but until then I just find myself coming and going in life.

COMMENTS

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Disintegrator
05:11 Dec 03 2011

its the world that has gone wrong

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Lordpeace
18:45 Dec 03 2011

if you think you need to stop and smell the roses

then give it a try

if you just need a friend to talk to

come on by

if you think you arent living life enough

you have all the time in the world

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