The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The past few days I've sensed a heavy, negative energy. The air in my home is thick and cold. It makes my head ache and spin, and I feel like I'm walking through water. Since Saturday I've felt well sheltered emotionally, thanks to my fiance. Although I made a bit of a fool of myself yesterday.



Almost a week ago, I had a high fever. Whether I was awake dazed or asleep I'm uncertain. I was exhausted, and I had too much on my mind, but then I saw Mercy running out of my closet to her little sisters bouncing chair while she slept. She told me: "Dont worry mama, I'll take care of her".



It made me smile and my heart ache. Keira now shares a likeness with Mercy. If both were of same age, I may not have been able to tell the difference. I told Rickie about seeing her, almost as soon as it happened. I don't remember what he told me.



It's become difficult to finish this entry. Not for a sake of pain. But more along the lines of a lack of pain. It hurts that I feel nothing. I know I should. I'll always love Mercy. But I want to worry about her, and think she needs me. I just dont know if she does. I dont know what to write anymore..



I've

I feel as if no one would care to listen to anything I say. I just finished reading all of Rickie's blogs. I truely feel haunted..



I wish to lie down. Then I wish I may refuse to move, for any reason. I want to walk until my feet bleed. Then continue to walk. I want to continue to starve myself, but not to die. Only to starve myself another day. Last night I couldn't sleep. I sat throughout the night on my matress watching my daughter sleep. I plan on doing so for- a while. I suppose..



Rickie wouldnt like it if he could read this. He'll probably either call, or ignore me for minutes, hours, days, possible a week. Out of frustration. Something like that. He won't talk to me about it, that I'm almost certain of it. And if I meracuously deside to tell him about this, he won't want to hear it.



I have so many questions for him. But I dont want him to answer them against his will. I will not ask him to tell me more.



I feel as though I am talking to the wind. This post could sit here months before anyone even notices.. No one probably will even leave a comment. Although I wish they would. A kind word. A suggestion. One I haven't heard before, a suggestion that would matter.



Can anyone hear me?.. My whole family has issues, and now I do fear my mind has finally come undone as well..



The sensation of blood freezing in my veins. The rapid pacing of a heartbeat before finally giving out, and the sensation of gasping while unable to pull sweet oxygen into my lungs. These images haunt me.



Feeling and observing the blood run out of my body. Heat and strength fading in my legs, bringing my body to the floor. Breathlessness. Deafness. Blindness. Lifeless..

It feels like forever since I've been on vr. Much has happened in the passing months. My daughter grows more everyday. I am now engaged, and deeply in love. More than I have in well over a year.. I am doing well in school. I may even graduate early, if my counciler will give me senior classes in the next month or so. The downsides to my life, however, include my mother and father, as usual. I am also unusually stupid this month so far.. I upset my fiances delicate (inner emotional) balance by asking him yet again about his past.. Why havent I learned my lesson yet?.. I am very worried about him. He has a month to get back up on his own two feet: get his own apartment, find a job, start school, etc.. The 'friend' he's been staying with finally wants him out, you see. He wont let him on the internet, and he wants him to stay out of his apartment from 9 in the morning until 5 in the afternoon.. I desperatly want to help him, but because of my age and my own situation, I am unable to. What's a girl suppose to do?.. I can't wait until my 17th birthday. That will be a sign that I am one year away from being able to move out of my hellhole with my daughter. Hopefully to be able to start college and live contently with my fiance..