Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
9 entries this month
The Decision21:54 Jul 31 2006
Times Read: 951
My last entry in this section, I was very confused about what I wanted and who I was considering being with when I am ready. I always look into the future and have some type of plan which was the one purpose of the entry. I had too many people on my mind at once and I needed to just think about it all and figure out my emotions and whether anything was something more than what it should be.
I have come to a conclusion and I am happy with it, very happy. The description in red below was the guy I chose. But even though I have chose him, we are moving slow as possible because we are terrified something is going to be too rushed or there will be pain somehow.
But as my very wise friend, Caitie, said:
"take the chance if you want...
don't be afraid to fall
be afraid that no one will catch you if you do.
jumping off the cliff is 3/4 of the battle
the other 1/4 is waiting for the cord to hold
don't be fearful.
don't think too far ahead about what will happen if he hurts you..
think about what you'll have.....
the comfort you find in his voice....
don't think of fear...
your practically asking for the rope to break before you even know..."
I have decided to let go of Tommy since I know he will not change and I know that it is not worth it anymore. I was pushing it all to the back of my mind though to deal with it, and thinking of it all as a lie. I know it wasn't a lie. I know that I loved him and he loved me and I also know that it was not time I wasted. He will always have a part of me. But I need to let go and I realize that now. He will never be in my life again, unless it is only as a friend.
I am willing to risk pain for a chance with Brett. He now knows that I am falling for him but I cannot say what I want to. We are taking it all slow. I know I need time to heal and I know that he understands that. I also know that he needs time to figure out what is on his own mind. But like Caitie told me I need to concentrate on what I have with him now and what can come from this leap of faith and tremendous risk.
In the past couple of days I have been crying and very emotional. The entry entitled "Paralyzed" in my Deep Looks section is something I wrote to him since he asked me what I was afraid of.
I am still taking the time I need to heal but I know I am not alone and I can always ask for help. Talking with him last night, I tried to get three words out that I cannot say. I want to say them so bad and leave him know how I feel, truly feel but I cannot even get that much out. But I know that he is not ready to hear those words from me and I know that I am not ready to say them. I am scared of those words, terrified even. Yet I want to hear them so badly and I know I can't, not yet. I know he doesn't need the confusion and honestly and truthfully, neither do I. We both need to deal with our fears and I need to heal before I make any huge move with him.
All I can say for sure is that Brett is on my mind constantly and he is in my heart.
Guys and Confusion and Heartache
11:40 Jul 29 2006
Times Read: 971
I have now admitted to one guy that I like him. There are two more that I do have feelings for but they do not know that for sure yet. I am holding off on anything for a long time. I need to give myself time to recover from the whole thing with Tommy.
Speaking of Tommy, the girl he chose, Britany, keeps on messaging me. She even made a new screen name on AOL to im me. She got on his screen name on YIM tonight to talk to me. I swear she has a hidden plan to try to get me upset or jealous. I don't care anymore, I am not going to allow it to phase me. I am moving on in my life and just taking time for myself. I just wish this bitch would leave me alone. Then she asks me why I am so mean to her. God, I could be so much meaner. Does she want to see the true bitch in me? Maybe that is it, she wants to justify something for herself. Well she isn't going to get that response from me.
Anyways the guys are sweet as can be…
One has been my friend for a very long time. I knew him before I even knew Tommy. He has been there for me more than anyone. He has helped me grow as a person, for the better too. I just hope I can repay him somehow for everything he has done for me. He has my trust along with my faith in him. I know he will never hurt me purposely, and yes I know that for sure. He tells me the truth when I ask for it, even when it is harsh in it's content. But he also makes me forget my problems when I am talking or thinking about him. I love him very much but I am not sure that I would risk that friendship for it to ever become something more.
The other person is someone I have recently met. I had instant trust but that scares me. When they contacted me it was like dejavu and it seem that everything is happening again with Tommy. I don’t feel like going through all of that again. And my friends that I have discussed this with agree with me that it would be best if I should distance myself from that person. There are so many fears that are coming with my friendship developing with this person. I am so scared to get hurt again, especially from someone who has my instant trust. It terrifies me really. I just want to run from that situation.
Okay the third person is another guy I have recently met. He is so sweet and considerate in everything he says. I want to meet him and things. But I don’t know. I am just holding off as I said before in this entry and as I should do. I just feel attachment to this person. He reminds me of myself in ways that others have not. It worries me and I don’t think he realizes that but I don’t really want him to just because that is something I need to work through if I want to get into any relationship. I need to work through all of my fears by myself and it is better if others do not really know of them.
With every single one of the people mentioned above, I have fears concerning any relationship I start with them. I have to take the time to get through those for myself and to come to terms with the break up with Tommy. Especially since I know if I don’t, it will come back to haunt me in another relationship. Right now it is even getting to me because I compare every guy to him. It is a horrible thing to do but they are all patient with me on that issue, among so many others. I plan on taking at least a month off before even considering any relationship. It will be good for me because it will leave me work on dealing with my emotions and also working on issues with the past. I just wish I knew what would make me happy in life and how to get it. Another thing that prevents me from wanting to get involved with any of those mentioned above is the factor of distance. Let’s all face it, long-distance relationships suck, plain and simple. It is hard to make it work and it seems that they are doomed to end as soon as they start.
Even the guy who knows I like him more than a friend should, brought that point up. He likes me too more than what should be if we were only friends, but thanks to the factor of distance he has crossed me off of a list for now. Also I know his heart belongs to another so I don’t think I would start a relationship with him. I don’t know if he realizes that even but he knows more of what is on my mind than most people know. The only person that knows more than him would be Tommy. But we are both reserved for others.
Maybe I will be able to figure everything out within the next month or two or even longer… it all just depends on my heart and the pain I feel right now. But I do know one thing, life would be so much simpler if love was not involved in it any way at all and it would also eliminate the factor of heartache. I will probably keep on writing in here about all of this since this section is about my twisted life and mind and this is all a huge part right now. The only thing that would stop me is one of the people mentioned figuring out who is who and saying something to me about writing about them. I don’t know. Not many read my profile so I think I am safe.
He is Gone, For Good Probably.
06:53 Jul 24 2006
Times Read: 989
God why did all of this have to happen? I still love him more than anything and I cannot believe I fucked up so much with my emotions that I ruined any chance I had to keep him in my life as a friend. I hate myself more than ever, I lost him for good but he cheated on me and broke my heart, not only once but twice. I don't think he will ever understand how much that hurt me. He hurt me more than anyone in my whole life. I would rather my whole past happen again than lose him. He deleted his account off of here, or an admin or someone did. I wouldn't be surprised if it was Britany, the other girl.
I wish I could just talk to him, one more time, just to hear his voice. My friend told me to e-mail him or something but I was a bitch and I doubt he would even give the light of day to me anymore. I even told him goodbye, which I don't do unless I want someone out of my life. God I just wish I could go back and live forever in those days he was here with me. Just waking up in the middle of the night to make sure he was there and that everything was real. I guess it wasn't and it won't ever be.
I am sitting here at my best friend's, Courtney's, house right now, in her living room and trying to quiet my crying and weeping as I sit here in my own sorrow because I had something that was great and lost it, like always. I just guess I was and am never meant to be happy...
What Is Next?
06:07 Jul 23 2006
Times Read: 996
Will I become a whore?
Okay as everyone who has looked at my journal or my profile knows my boyfriend seriously hurt me by cheating on me. Well I gave him a second chance and he has been good so far.
Well I have figured out something today, if we do break up for any reason, I will take some time to heal, like I should. But after that I will take time to have some fun and only think about myself or try to. I mean come on, if Tommy is not my true love, than he or she is out there somewhere. So I will become a “whore.” I will date as many people as I want and be honest with them, telling them I will only have open relationships. But if I do find one I want to be with exclusively, than I will break it off with the others. Hey I know it sounds kind of heartless and wrong but damn it, guys do it all the time! When they have multiple girlfriends, it is awesome and normal but a girl is called a slut, whore, and so many other things because she plays the field. Well than people around here will call me a slut and things, like it would really matter, they already do, well most of them.
No, I am not planning on breaking up with Tommy and I am hoping that he has changed. I don’t want an open relationship with him, I love him too much to be able to share him and when I am with him, I only want him, no one else. I will always want him but if he messes up again, I will break it off.
He is Back in My Life For Now... Hopefully Always Though
18:41 Jul 19 2006
Times Read: 1,001
Okay as the previous entries stated, Tommy broke up with me. Well he called me on Monday morning wanting me back and he was waiting for my reply. I couldn’t give him one when he asked because I couldn’t leave myself say yes or no. I was so afraid of being hurt and I still am.
I have given him one chance. This chance can end at any time. If he hurts me in any way, cheats on me, lies about anything, or just because I am paranoid, this chance can end without warning and I will block him out of my life.
I gave him this one chance on the hope that he has learned his lesson, like he has said he did. Also because of my love I hold for him. My love is so strong for him that no matter what happens I will always love him. But like I told him, I cannot promise my trust in him will always be there, nor my faith. He betrayed everything when he cheated on me and he only has this one chance to prove to me that I can trust him and he has changed. I love him with all my heart but without trust, love means nothing. I have told him that over and over again, along with some of my friends. I am not paranoid right now, but as time grows longer, I cannot say what will be going through my head. He knows that my trust in him will never be complete or even unquestioned again. He understands that but I do still love him and I do have a certain amount of trust left in him. I will not rant on about this but I just thought I would put in here that I gave his only chance to make things as right as they can ever be now.
All Over!
03:39 Jul 17 2006
Times Read: 1,010
It is all over between me and Tommy! I still cannot believe it! All because of some girl he has been lusting after for the past four years! What the fuck! Couldn't he have mentioned that to me before?? Why did he even start anything with me, if he was after someone else? FUCKIN' MEN! I know not every men is like this, but I don't care to freakin' trust anyone for a long ass time! I cannot stand heartache. Maybe he is becoming like his Dad, I seriously hope not! I hope he realises what mistake he has made and how much he has hurt me!
But even if he wants to get back with me, I don't know if I can ever trust him again or even allow myself to put the walls down with him again.
Is It All Ending?
21:40 Jul 16 2006
Times Read: 1,013
How can something that is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life, seem like it is ending right before my eyes? I love Tommy so much and I don't even know if I can trust him anymore, let alone my own self judgement.
My Promise
By skyfire
Never to hurt you
Never to make you cry
A single tear from pain
Promises made are kept
Secrets don't exist
Not from me
Not from you
If you ask I do tell
My love is your's
Forever and for always
Nothing can change the way I feel
I will never allow you to leave my mind
Or another to get as deep as you
My love will always belong to you
This is my promise
That will never change
To
My Beautiful Little Cutter
That Cuts No More
Could everything he has ever said to me be a lie? Or am I right to think she is insane and obsessed with my boyfriend. She swears that they have been dating for a month and he cheated on me with her while he was visiting in AZ. But he was never alone with her. I got her to admit that everything was a lie the other night to his sister by telling her that I was pregnant by Tommy. Of course he called me when he tought I was pregnant. He said it was all a lie and he didn't know yet how he was going to deal with it. But wow what a surprise, she knows I am not pregnant today. Which means he had to have talked to her, either today or yesterday. I am about to just end everything and break up with him.
But I don't even know if I can deal without him in my life. Every breath I take is because I know what I have to look forward to. I wasn't even dwelling on my past anymore, my nightmares were gone, I felt safe, I felt secure, I was no longer scared of my most of my fears, and I could leave my guard down some. My family and friends and everyone who knew me before have even voiced their opinion that they have never seen me this happy and everything. Now since this BITCH has messaged me under his screen name, everything is worse than before. I knew thiswas a horrible idea, leaving myself love him so much. I should have let myself push him away. But instead I embraced the great feelings I was having. I met him and had an awesome time. The best three days of my whole freakin' life and now it might all end.
I don't know what is going to happen anymore. Whatever comes next, I am too scared and paralyzed to react. Maybe I should just disappear and leave this whole mess behind.
Gone For Now Combined...
09:35 Jul 15 2006
Times Read: 1,015
As everyone who knows me or has read my journal knows, my boyfriend was coming here for only three days.
Well Tommy left yesterday and made it home safely. We had an awesome time together. The only problem was with the hotel rooms. We were originally getting two hotel rooms but ended up with only one with two beds. It was a good thing we did not get another room because we didn't even use the other bed.
What a waste of another bed? Next time there will only be one!
So yeah I don't think either of us really cared about the room situation. Friends of mine were so worried about how we would hit it off when we first met but I am so happy to say we love each other even more in real life then online. I don't think I can be any more grateful for VR as I am right now. If it was not for Cancer creating this site then I would have never met Tommy at all.
He came in on Saturday morning and stayed until Tuesday. He could only get the three days of leave for here but neither of us cared as long as we had some time together.
One of the first things Tommy and I did together was going to the graveyard to see my Dad and my Grandfather. Weird thing was we did not even speak many words, just laid in the sun together and closed our eyes, thinking. I took him to show him a grave I had wandered onto a few weeks before. It was of a little boy (Preston) who died only 11 days after his Mom gave birth to him. I asked him "What would you do if he was our's?" We still have no answer for that question, expect that we will handle it if that time comes.
We went to check into our hotel room before going to get Tyler and meeting my Mom at my Aunt Sue's. We spent a couple of hours in the hotel room. God and my friends wonder what we did during that time. Well we had our first kiss. Everything else, well if you know me then you can probably guess.
We spent most of the first day at the lake with my Mom, my Grandmama, and my nephew (Tyler Brat). I was worried more about how Tyler was going to accept him then anyone else but by the end of the day Tyler acted like he knew Tommy since he was born.
He made me face my fear of water and taught me how to swim. I only went under one time when we were going to the furthest buoy. And when I did go under, he went under with me and lifted me up. He stayed underwater until I could walk on the bottom again. My Mom saw it from the shore and I guess it made her trust him with me. Especially since later on when he was playing with Tyler and my Mom and I were floating together, she asked me if I was taking Tommy to Egypt Valley for the night. It shocked me since we had talked it out and agreed I wasn't allowed taking him there until his last night here. But we didn't go on Friday night. Instead we went back to the hotel room and laid in each other's arms so happy for the time we had while together.
On Sunday morning we were supposed to meet my Mom and Tyler for breakfast but first call them when we woke up. We actually woke up about eight o' clock but didn't get around to calling my Mom. She had to call us. Then we were actually about 30 minutes late meeting them (reason was is that he gave me my first meaningful bite). My Mom actually said nothing about the redness of my neck where he had "nibbled" a little.
After breakfast, we decided he would meet my Uncle Junior and Aunt Crystal. Well my uncle was too tired to harass him, which was great but my Uncle Steve showed up. Damn messed up family! My uncle started flirting with him and shit. Well I am happy that I warned Tommy about my family before he met that uncle in particular. So he still survived haha. We told my aunt where we were going after there (Egypt Valley) and she was nice enough to give us some yummy drinks to take with us.
We went back to the hotel room for him to change and then went off to Egypt Valley (everyone is surprised I took him out there because they don't see the beauty, only the dangers). We went to Salem Cemetery first, where Lousia Fox is buried and where there are gorgeous cliffs behind the cemetery. We walked around the inside of the cemetery first and then walked across the dirt road to try to figure out where the old church once stood. Haha I showed him the cliffs with the confidence that he would not push me over. Then he got me following him into the woods on the old paths that tangle through the whole place. When we decided to leave that cemetery, we decided to go to Circle (Old Egypt) Cemetery.
All I told him about the cemetery was that it is totally different from Salem Cemetery. He agreed with me completely after we walked around some on the grounds. We tried to figure out where the legendary three witches are supposed to be buried there and guessed as many others before us probably have, well those who know the legends.
We went there and he saw how different it is. We think it is a pagan cemetery but we are not completely sure. We figured out the most likely places where the three witches were buried from the one legend. The one is suppose to help reunite love, the other to help with quick money, and the last is supposed to curse you if you do not bring her sweet chocolates.
We left Circle (Old Egypt) Cemetery and went to explore the rest of Egypt, purposely trying to get lost together. It was so great just to drive around without caring where we ended up and feeling so safe together. We found an abandoned road where I went before that my friend, Courtney and I had walked but she couldn't go any further, so we got out of my car and went walking down the road. It has never felt so good just to hold someone's hand or to be in their arms. I finally sat down by a large puddle that had a couple of frogs in it. He sat down next to me. We were watching the froggys jump from place to place but not for long. Haha we were both thinking the same thing. I love his bites. I wanted him to bring the blood before but couldn't get the words out. I finally in a faint harsh whisper said "bring blood." I was lost within the extasy that I felt and wow I want so bad to feel that again and again. We finally got up and I could not even walk because I was so weak it seemed from the feelings and everything I had felt.
We got to my car and started to watch The Crow, since I had never seen it, on his PSP. He wanted me to watch the beginning of it before we could leave. We left there to see what else we could get into.
We went down one road and ended up at the lake there and it was so beautiful. I had never been on that road before. The water was so still and the lake was covered by lily pads. I wish I took a picture of it but I am sure I will go back. We started to eat the food we had picked up from Burger King since he was forcing me to eat. I kept on finding ways out of it hehe but people kept on coming down the road to about where we were and things and the bugs were getting on our nerves so we left.
We found another road and a place where it looked like we were going on private property but we decided to keep on driving. We stopped at this "pond" or whatever you want to call it and got out to lay in the grass. I grabbed some blankets from my trunk. It was gorgeous! The water was crystal blue and the cliffs that surrounded it were so perfect in every way. The mostiques got to us there too so we hid under the one blanket.
Once out of Egypt Valley, we were going to the gas station to call my mom to make sure she knew we were okay since it isn't such a great place to wonder around without a gun. But on the way, I turned off the road onto another. Nothing like going to a lake at almost 11 o'clock at night to walk on the beach. He made me go into the water and face my fear, I got him to go into the water at night with me. One problem, he forgot to empty his pockets and his PSP got ruined. I felt and feel so bad about that. But we went back in and both of us were shivering. We finally got out and headed for my car since the water was cold as hell and the air even colder. I drove to the gas station and called my mom, late as usual. Then we went to Courtney's house. It was fun driving from the lake to the gas station to Court's house in bare feet and soak and wet.
When we got to Courtney's I opened the door without thinking and freaked her and Jared out. But she flipped when she saw the bite mark on my neck where he drank my blood. Jared gave Tommy some advice and grrrrr I want to choke him and than thank him and kiss him on the cheek for that advice he gave to Tommy.
We left there and went to the hotel room yet again to be good. Damn it, I should have been bad because of how bad I wanted to but hey we still had fun being good, well evil as we put it. It was just one hell of a night that ended in a sot of bad way. I saw something and the passion in my eyes was replaced with nothing but fear. No one will know what that was about besides him and he did not even get it out of me until the next night.
Anyways we woke up (Monday morning), well he woke me up to get ready for class at 10 a.m. since I wasn't allowed missing it. I went to class with such a great feeling and so happy. I was humming and everyone who had classes with me before or talked to me before just looked at me. I finally got done and rushed to get back to the hotel room where he had been sleeping while I was gone. We decided to go eat at a buffet but had to stop at my Aunt Crystal's first. We got our short showers and left. We stopped of course and the kids, Amanda and Cody talked me into getting in the pool even though I had nothing to swim in so I got in the pool with my clothes on. Tommy joined me but he had swim trunks on under his pants. Haha but we had fun in the water swimming and "killing" kids. We got out and ate funnel cakes my aunt had made and she gave me some clothes to change in to and went out to play pool and sing. LOL We were challenging each other and everything. We stayed until about 1 a.m. and I had fell asleep in the one chair. He went to wake me and I was having a nightmare. It scared me of course and I grabbed his arm. We decided to leave before I got any more sleepier. It was the last night together for the time being. I didn't want to go to bed when we got back to the room.
We had fun and I cried and opened up some but details will always be between me and him. Sorry to all hehe.
We had to say goodbye for about four weeks until he can come back. Which should be in the next week that he will be here again. I have never longed to be with someone and just hear their voice this much in my life. I just hope I don't get hurt in the end.
Gone For Now... Part 4
09:29 Jul 15 2006
Times Read: 1,016
We went there and he saw how different it is. We think it is a pagan cemetery but we are not completely sure. We figured out the most likely places where the three witches were buried from the one legend. The one is suppose to help reunite love, the other to help with quick money, and the last is supposed to curse you if you do not briong her sweet chocolates.
We left Circle (Old Egypt) Cemetery and went to explore the rest of Egypt, purposely trying to get lost together. It was so great just to drive around without caring where we ended up and feeling so safe together. We found an abandoned road where I went before that my friend, Courtney and I had walked but she couldn't go any further, so we got out of my car and went walking down the road. It has never felt so good just to hold someone's hand or to be in their arms. I finally sat down by a large puddle that had a couple of frogs in it. He sat down next to me. We were watching the froggys jump from place to place but not for long. Haha we were both thinking the same thing. I love his bites. I wanted him to bring the blood before but couldn't get the words out. I finally in a faint harsh whisper said "bring blood." I was lost within the extasy that I felt and wow I want so bad to feel that again and again. We finally got up and I could not even walk because I was so weak it seemed from the feelings and everything I had felt.
We got to my car and started to watch The Crow, since I had never seen it, on his PSP. He wanted me to watch the beginning of it before we could leave. We left there to see what else we could get into.
We went down one road and ended up at the lake there and it was so beautiful. I had never been on that road before. The water was so still and the lake was covered by lily pads. I wish I took a picture of it but I am sure I will go back. We started to eat the food we had picked up from Burger King since he was forcing me to eat. I kept on finding ways out of it hehe but people kept on coming down the road to about where we were and things and the bugs were getting on our nerves so we left.
We found another road and a place where it looked like we were going on private property but we decided to keep on driving. We stopped at this "pond" or whatever you want to call it and got out to lay in the grass. I grabbed some blankets from my trunk. It was gorgeous! The water was crystal blue and the cliffs that surrounded it were so perfect in every way. The mostiques got to us there too so we hid under the one blanket.
Once out of Egypt Valley, we were going to the gas station to call my mom to make sure she knew we were okay since it isn't such a great place to wonder around without a gun. But pon the way, I turned off the road onto another. Nothing like going to a lake at almost 11 o'clock at night to walk on the beach. He made me go into the water and face my fear, I got him to go into the water at night with me. One problem, he forgot to emtpy his pockets and his PSP got ruined. I felt and feel so bad about that. But we went back in and both of us were shivering. We finally got out and headed for my car since the water was cold as hell and the air even colder. I drove to the gas station and called my mom, late as usual. Then we went to Courtney's house. It was fun driving from the lake to the gas station to Court's house in bare feet and soak and wet.
When we got to Courtney's I opened the door without thinking and freaked her and Jared out. But she flipped when she saw the bite mark on my neck where he drank my blood. Jared gave Tommy some advice and grrrrr I want to choke him and than thank him and kiss him on the cheek for that advice he gave to Tommy.
We left there and went to the hotel room yet again to be good. Damn it, I should have been bad because of how bad I wanted to but hey we still had fun being good, well evil as we put it. It was just one hell of a night that ended in a sot of bad way. I saw something and the passion in my eyes was replaced with nothing but fear. No one will know what that was about besides him and he did not even get it out of me until the next night.
Anyways we woke up (Monday morning), well he woke me up to get ready for class at 10 a.m. since I wasn't allowed missing it. I went to class with such a great feeling and so happy. I was humming and everyone who had classes with me before or talked to me before just looked at me. I finally got done and rushed to get back to the hotel room where he had been sleeping while I was gone. We decided to go eat at a buffet but had to stop at my Aunt Crystal's first. We got our short showers and left. We stopped of course and the kids, Amanda and Cody talked me into getting in the pool even though I had nothing to swim in so I got in the pool with my clothes on. Tommy joined me but he had swim trunks on under his pants. Haha but we had fun in the water swimming and "killing" kids. We got out and ate funnel cakes my aunt had made and she gave me some clothes to change in to and went out to play pool and sing. LOL We were challenging each other and everything. We stayed until about 1 a.m. and I had fell asleep in the one chair. He went to wake me and I was having a nightmare. It scared me of course and I grabbed his arm. We decided to leave before I got any more sleepier. It was the last night together for the time being. I didn't want to go to bed when we got back to the room.
We had fun and I cried and opened up some but details will always be between me and him. Sorry to all hehe.
We had to say goodbye for about four weeks until he can come back. Which should be in the next week that he will be here again. I have never longed to be with someone and just hear their voice this much in my life. I just hope I don't get hurt in the end.
COMMENTS
-