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My mom is sleeping on my couch for a couple weeks. sound backwards? it totally is. i moved out when i was fifteen and now we've come full circle and backwards. instead of me sleeping at the mercy of an east-facing window and a broken sofa, it's her, instead of me lazing around all day while she goes to work, it's her, instead of the filth and stench of our neglected little hovel, it's...well, it's still a hovel but it's mine and it's clean and the bills get paid on time and all of the faucets work and there is always hot water, instead of beer bottle lining every window sill, okay, they're still there but now they've been upside-down at least a few times before they meet her hungry gaze. I never wondered what it would be like to live with a bum, but now i know. i love my mom but she is too damaged for me to even see her as that, there is no sanctuary in those arms, just track marks.

COMMENTS

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FrankensteinGirl
01:17 Sep 25 2009

Huzzah for AA, let's hope it sticks this time. I don't think you're supposed to do each step post-relapse.

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I am missing someone-more like i'm missing how that someone made me feel (how can i say i miss someone to whom i was only willing to give my heart completely after they already didn't want it). I loved who i was when i was with this person and everything felt more fulfilling and light. I got butterflies any time they gave me that smile, the one they seemed to have crafted just for me. I loved the feeling that this person that i was so attracted to and proud to be with felt the same about me, my subterranean self-esteem poked it's head out of the ground for the first time in years and i felt like i stood a chance of actually being truly loved like that. In short, i felt like the teenage girl i always denied myself to be. It took experiencing real love (rather than that of puppies) for me to get over them but still i miss that time when everything felt sharp and new. They will always have a place in my heart no matter who else i may love. And i thank them for giving me all these wonderful memories.



...drifting slowly upward through tequila drenched dreams, memories waft past and i inwardly smile to myself. "These people really like me! He said they would but i was still scared. God, that was fun." The last of my lazy recollections slumps before me, not a visual but a sensation, that of something warm collapsing into bed with me, something that belonged there, this was their bed but i was welcome and wanted. Barely reconciling this feeling i become aware of a radio chattering softly in the background and the orange glow of sunlight filtering behind my eyelids. "mmmm... more sleep i think. That would be good..." Until something moves beside me. My eyes snap open to meet big, blue ones grinning back at me. "Good morning, happy to see you didn't sneak out the window while i was sleeping. I'm sure i made an ass out of myself, pretty girls mixed with booze tend to do that to me..." an embarrassed smile runs across those lips, oh, those lips... They never seemed so big and inviting before... I look up and quickly grin to match his, hoping hard that he wasn't secretly a telepath. "You know, we've technically slept together now, in the same bed at least, and you have yet to kiss me, sir. I'm just sayin'..." I must still be quite a bit drunk from last night but i'm growing impatient. "Oh, you're right my dear, how could such a thing have slipped my mind! Let me fix that..." His perfect arms (tattoos, skater tan, muscle and all ) quickly envelope me and his weight shifts remarkably delicately on top of mine. We lay there for a few moments, nose to nose, heart to heart and i pray in vain that he doesn't feel how hard and quick mine is beating. With one last lopsided grin he closes that gap between our lips in one deft move. I am floating. Nothing exists but the warmth of his body and the flames on his tongue. I am positive that my own quivering frame would soon cave in on itself if it weren't for his strength that embraced me. He sighed before pulling away but did not move more than a few inches. "Satisfied, young lady?"

"For now."