The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Last night I went to a bar. It was suppposed to be industrial and gothic. Deppresing. Those f... clowns. We couldn't stand the show any longer than 1 hour. We left and went around the city which of course, was more fun. I said: just drive! so he did.



I was wondering if my disconfort was due to my genuine social hatred.... no, not genuine, actually it was shaped... society hurt me in the wrong moment....but I don't think so. I really believe that people like those are lost in life. They just don't know what they're doing or what is the meaning of life. It's just pathetic. I hate subcultures! I really do! probably beacuse I don't fit in any... and I have no interest at all to do it. It is ridiculous. I really despise everyone...



If somebody reads this and gets offended please stop right there. I don't want any comments or replies to my journal at all. They're my impressions and that's it. .. besides I'm not on this site to make friends...or enemies. I'm here just to kill time.

I'm not gonna put any quizzes on my profile. It's boring. Those stupid quizzes have nothing to do with reality. Kid's things. PPffff...as if a quizz would describe me a little!. I hate those quizzes!.

Just the way I predicted since I started in this page, today I've bought my premium memebership ah??? I still can't believe it.... I'm joining a bunch of people that are not in the real life!... and why Im doing it? because of boredom. Because I have to do something all the time. I was reading that boredom is a manifestation of agression and it is. Boredom is my sickness and I'm predicting right now that I have another long semester to go before I start doing something productive.

I've just received a good new today. It has been a while without a good new. My God!!!!!!! I'm so relieved right now. I've been waiting for this around 4 months. This is the first step for my victory. This is all what I needed. Finally.

Another thing that I should definitely do is QUIT DRINKING.... well I've changed my addition to coffee for vodka now... no way. I'm harming myself. My omnipotent brain doesn't need that shit!.

I'm done with it. Since time is still hiting me, I actually need to make some arrangements in my life because THIS I definitely don't want. Since my brain is healing and I can feel it, it's time for me to start doing things in order to get my life back. It's not like I have too many options, though.



On monday, I'll get my job because if there is no money, there is no life. My motivation for these unfortunate times can be make money. That's all I can do, right now. I could get another place also but I don;t know yet if that is the right choice....because I really could not stand another bad choice anymore.



I've actually not made any mistake. These circumstances that I've put myself trough 2 years ago! It's just insane. I cannot rely on the place I work for anything but making money. All the people there disgusts me. It's gonna be another long and unberable semester to go back to school.... School is very necessary to me. It gives me a happier view of life.



Then I don't know what else I could do but, as always, working on myself.... oh another thing is that I actually have to learn how to go around this city by myself. It's making me insane the fact that I always somebody takes me around... so start going mysef to places in this city would be a good option.

Heart racing, suffocation, trembling, sweating...that's my anger manifestations. Any emotion I feel actually its has corporal response and I hate it. My anger comes out when I feel powerless. I've been feeling this way for the past 8 months when I made this fucking wrong choice.... I have no escape anymore.



I've been trying to convince myself that everything is in my head and that through self-control I'll actually get things done and be happy but it's not so, by any means. NOT NOW. Because after looking into my brain more than ever, gradually, carefully, I gladly and sadly at the same time, perceive that there is nothing wrong with me. My brain functions correctly and this extreme discomfort find its reasons in the outside world. That's all.



I atually have made a fatal mistake in blaming myself for my unhappiness. I though that if I could not change the situation, I could at least change my attitude towards it. But the truth is that this situation is unbearable. That's it. I'm not independent anymore. I'm a honorable woman. I'm a student. I'm ME, so what the fuck am I doing in here?. There are things that are not going to change. The only thing I can do is change my perception. BUT! my perception is too hurt already and I'm too tired too. Doesn't matter what I do. That only thought destroys my peace. BY NOW, my omnipotence is all in my mind. Real life is attacking me now. It's being really hard to me to come to my senses this time.

I'm dissapointed of these forum discussions!!!! These people really say stupid things... is it only to increase their status or what?????... Empty subjects, senseless or better useless articles, imprecise questions.... They should control that. Just because I don't have a high enough level to post a topic doesn't mean that I wouldn't do it better. And besides all this just seems a kid's game ... Everyone is only trying to impress with those profiles.... however here I am pretty much doing the same thing...no... I'm really not doing anything but wasting time.... and probably I'm gonna end up being a premium member soon....

I've been stressing myself out to insanity for the past two years and it hasn't worked for me at all. Here I am, in the same or even worst position than before. So, at his point of my life I'm getting to the point of "the I don't give a fuck syndrom" which has helped me a lot. Of course, this is a false tranquility but it's tranquility anyways. Anything but that horrible feeling that was destroying my whole existence . It can't be something worst that that. Fear it self, panic, terror coming out of the blue. The damned ability to scare the hell out of me wih no aparent reason. I myself am my worst enemy. My brain run too fast. I've lived to fast and burnt myself out. There is nothing worst that to get bored. Boredom is my sickness. So it's pain to me. And that is no sane. All my life, I've been running from pain too. And that constant pressure is sofocating me. I guess I hold more pain by runnig from it than by enduring it. cus it's a eternal hole in my soul. It's just boring!!!!!!!

I have been trying to make a commitment and write in this journal since I created my profile. No result. I'm sure I'm not gonna say much this time but the very begining was the hardest part. Here I am, my first words, then it should be easier to write and write.



I don't know just yet what to write though. It could be just tales with no sense, like what I did today, if I drunk coffee, milk or redbull or for how long I was on the shower, or something like that.... or maybe real deep humanist philosophy. My magnificient thoughts, the conclusions I get after my usual thinking in circles. I would impress them for sure though...Or another thing that I could write could be fantastic stories with no roles, no trama, no nothing, but the poor description of a "vampiric scene".... confusssing and stupid words made "poetry" so I can get some attention from the people who think they're vampires. They would say: Oh, this girls knows what she is talking about. But I certainly would not. It must be confussing, though to be worthy. no? Yeah right Pffff.



No. Im going to write if I ever do so what ever I feel like. That's it. No order. If I'm back into these websites is to and only to kill time. My worst enemy. Time is the worst thing that happen to humanity. Time is death itself. But please no negative thinking. I'd really like to meet somebody to feel admiration for. Somebody able to accept life the way this is, somebody happy. I really want to meet somebody happy. I hate depressed people with all my heart. I will put all those things in my profie soon. I certainly do not feel admiration for anybody. Hey don't think I'm speaking about how I want to meet my soul mate, no no no. I'm nos speaking in terms of romance. I'm married and loved once already. Two things that make me run from love for ever. Hey, dont take me wrong, I'm happily married. I think I'm refering to the lattest. Happily (take note no heart - broken) I run.