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I have to repeat the funny story I heard the other day as given to me by one of my friends.

For those who don't know my ex finace passed away recently around the beginning of March. We'd had some problems with people around here and he's moved back to Florida after several arguments.

A week or so after he passed away one of my friends came up to me and told me that one of the people we had mutually hated before when we were together who told him to go die several times had been walking around gloating that she had told him to kill himself and was taking the credit. Later on apparantly that night things apparently started to go missing on her and get thrown at her from nowhere or jump out of her hand and several other odd happenings started to happen to her. Apparently her gloating over his death inspired his ghost to haunt her.... Once again it's one of those randomly amusing events in my life. Seeing as it's entirely justified its more ironic than anything else.

Everywhere I go I see friends, people I've gone on double dates with, people who've sat down with me and had a 40, people I've shared smokes with. They're everywhere and in that respect they all know, or rather they don't know. They don't know about Shade's death. They've yet to even hear. And yet whenever I go to the store or stop off to get some food I've found them there. I suppose it should feel normal to see my friends everywhere, but at the same time now that Shade is no longer around it doesn't feel right, because there are always the people I still have to explain things to. And I think, more than the fact that I will probably not get to go to a funeral and properly morn for him, it bothers me that I'm left to tell the friends he left behind.

I hate dwelling on the past, but it's just so odd. Like filling in gaps, with the wrong color putty. It doesn't match and it doesn't work, but it still holds true. In the same thought, my thoughts don't always match the situation, but they're still holding things together for now.

I've found in the last few days that despite the large amount of funerals I've attended in my all too short life that sometimes there are deaths that strike me as "not right". Not because of violent murders, nor because of age. I simply say this because there are those days that my belief in fate is strongly shaken.

To begin with I suppose I would have to explain my definition of fate. Most people's application of this simply because it really does not affect them is that fate is the simple thing which governs when they are born and when they must die. However, it is also my belief that in a select few people fate governs slightly more. Although fate can never fully control your decisions it does have a fairly good amount of control over you do to the fact that these so called "important people" must all meet their decided fate one way or another. And in this they can take any path that they like, but on the appointed day and time they will inevitably end in the same place as they would of before.

Recently though I was shaken to the very foundation of this belief in the fact that a very very close friend passed away, killed himself in fact. In this I was shaken because despite the fact that fate was as it always should be, neat orderly and fairly unchangeable, he somehow managed to change it. At least that is my belief, after all who can ever tell what fate really has in store. My personal belief is that he was not due to die for several months yet, but I was resigned to the fact that he was in fact going to die. However, when I did find out about his death I was extremely unsure of how to think of it, first i thought that it might be an extremely bad practical joke, but that quickly fell through... So now I'm left wondering, did he break his fate, make the clock tick faster... or was he really fated to die that day... I will probably never know.