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An emotion swells up within my chest, I am unsure what it is, though I believe it to be excitement. I do not actually know why it is I am excited, there should be no reason at very least not one that I know of I guess I am not even sure as to why I am even writing this down, I guess just to keep up my writing.

I spoke very briefly with an old friend today, still even in my better knowledge I entertain the idea of being with her, and holding her against me in ways more than that of mere friendship. Though this is likely never to pass, I secretly deep within my heart do not give up hope. I have looked into a college and have decided that I wish to attend it, even should I have to work for a year raising and fixing my past failures and mistakes, those that I had made with mild interest and little thought on how it could effect me, I should hope and desire that I am never again as naive as I was in the past in thinking that I can fix my mistakes with a flick of the wrist or that I can hit the reset button at any time. I have only one life, I can never reset and I can never take back what I do and therefore I must go into the future working as hard as I can and treading as carefully as I can without sacrificing my values and dreams in the process. I am currently listening to ( blood tears - castlevania - metal version ) it sooths me and allows me to drink in the dark mysterious energy that I had when I was younger, not that I am of course old, far from it, though I have always believe my soul to be of an older nature in which my body does not fit. It is late however, and so i bid VR a fond goodnight I look forward to stalking its pages once more, when I have had plenty of sleep that is ( heh ) enjoy yee readers. though I doubt you exist.

I am in madness itself it seems now, I must above all else break from its hold on my mind and my life, I must rise and fall with the sun, at least until I can again regain my mind, I am torn into pieces, I only hope...that I can succeed.

So far within the depths of my mind I have found that certain pieces of my past trigger emotions, though I have not felt them In such a while as if they were the taste of strawberries, something that I can vaguely recall. Vampire Knight, is one such piece of my past even if it is not so long ago as to be almost forgotten the emotions and pain that I felt at the time that I had been watching it welled up once more within my body and I was cast again into the darkness that so completely consumed me during my high school years. Comfort as well as sorrow combined within me forcing me to recount days long past and people who had been dear friends now lost to the wasteland that is time. I find that at times I even enjoy wallowing within the darkness as I allow it to overtake my senses and dull my mind, things are not so murky within the dark, but nor are they clear....It would seem.

I read tonight in my journal, entries old that my mind had forgotten them, I see that I have friends, though I knew they existed, I see now that they are strong people for whom I have respect and love eternal. My dear friends....how may I ever repay your kindness and lent strength.

I have decided to spend some more of my time on Vampire rave, Perhaps Renewing my profile and making new friends, However I am entering into a busy time in my life, where I must go all or nothing, should it work out, then in the future I shall spend much more time on Vampire rave, but still I doubt that I will find myself spending hours a day within its black walls, and red halls.