Gay Marriage. 23:33 Dec 27 2011
Times Read: 426
Ok, It's become very apparent that a Rant is in order. I feel the need to clarify just a few of the key points I keep hearing people point out, in our 'foolish' thoughts about getting married. The points that you all seem to believe to be true, regardless of what you may know or, suspect. These points against early marriage are about to be slapped across your face like a kitten lapping up some milk.
My friends clearly believe that compatibility is key to a good marriage. They wonder how could I know that I was compatible with anyone in such a short time? How did I know there wasn’t someone else out there who would be better suited to me? I was only 23 – how did I know I wouldn’t run into a better match? My friend’s idea of marriage and compatibility is a common one. We’re all led to believe that compatibility is essential to a successful marriage: we ought to have similar tastes, habits, and hobbies. That’s how we know we’ll get along – if we share similar likes and dislikes. We’re all looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Right? We need to find someone with whom we have “chemistry.”
Marrying at an early age means less time to find that special someone. It also means less time to find out who we are. In our early twenties we’re still so prone to change. What if we’re completely different people by the time we’re in our thirties? How do we know we’ll still get along in ten years? Shouldn’t we wait to get married to make sure we’ll still be compatible in the coming decades? Many people think so. I think Mark Regnerus says it best: “successful marriages are less about the right personalities than about the right practices.” It’s nice to find someone who likes the same kinds of food and music as you, and shares your sense of humour. It’s nice to be around someone who shares similar sleeping patterns and ideas of proper hygiene and notions of a good time. Very nice. But for starters, all those things could change with time. And secondly, I think many of those things become less important with time. Compatibility or chemistry is nice but I don’t think it’s essential to a successful marriage. Much more important than compatibility are:
A shared sense of commitment to the relationship, and a high regard for marriage
Good practices of open communication and conflict resolution
A shared willingness to make sacrifices to one another for the sake of the marriage
I believe that a couple who shares these practices and values is much better off than those who have only “chemistry.” As Regnerus puts it, “People change. Chemistry wanes. Covenants don’t.” I believe that anyone, even in their early twenties, can be confident that he’s found a good match for him if he has found someone who is equally passionate about marriage and has an uncompromising sense of commitment to him. When I agree to marry I know that, no matter what, he was willing to make this work, even if we didn’t agree on other things. And that was enough for me.
In regards to my peer's concerns, Whoever I'm with and I will have a hard time learning to share a bed together.But we'll learn. We'll adapt. We are willing to make changes and sacrifices, and communicate until we figured things out. If he does ever take up snoring or sleepwalking, we’ll deal with that too. But we won’t change our level of commitment to one another. And that is a decision I believe a couple can make at almost any age. No matter what kinds of people we become when we’re 30, 40 and beyond, our commitment level will never change. In that way I think we’re plenty compatible.
A lot of people believe that anyone under 25 will be too immature to make such a profound and lasting commitment as marriage, and will be psychologically unprepared for the responsibilities of being married. Of course this is true for many young people. Lots of college-aged adults are irresponsible, confused, and ill-prepared for married life. The thing is, so are lots of 30-year-olds. Adults Don’t Have a Much Better Track Record!! As I’ve made it clear, I think that many young people should feel free to marry in their early twenties. It’s not that I’ve found young people to be exceptionally smart and capable as much as that I’ve found older adults to be pretty much just as inept and unwise.The thing that I’ve come to notice as I’ve entered into adulthood is how childish, petty and insecure many adults still are. Things that I thought we were supposed to outgrow when we graduated high school still show themselves in adults everywhere: cattiness, small-mindedness, and a profound anxiety about popularity and acceptance. Adults are still bewildered, self-conscious, guarded, and selfish. Most of us are really just glorified teenagers with less acne and better-paying jobs. In truth, I know 19-year olds who are more responsible and emotionally mature than some 30-year-olds. And it’s not just other adults. It’s me, too. I don’t think I’m much more capable of making wise choices now at twenty-three than I was seven years ago. I’m just as prone to foolishness – to making rash decisions based on momentary passions, to ignoring wise counsel, to being impatient or reckless – as I was back then. And most people my age (and older) seem to be the same.
I’m still a frightened, confused little boy trying to make sense of the world and myself. But I’m living out my life alongside an equally scared and confused man, and we’re happy to have each other through it all. Essentially, I’ve found that numbers mean very little when it comes to maturity. We Can Be Taught to Do Better. Of course, it’s true that fewer years of life means less valuable life experience under our belts. And of course, it’s true that my generation has generally not been “trained” to be married at an early age But, to borrow once again from Mark Regnerus, I don’t think that means young people are “inherently incompetent at marriage.” With a bit of proper training, many young people could be fully capable of making life commitments and carrying them out. Unfortunately I don’t think Gen X-ers (the ones who failed to train us early) have enough faith in us Gen Y-ers. They don’t trust that we’re capable enough, wise enough, or selfless enough to do what they couldn’t do – hold down a marriage. So they counsel us to wait. It doesn’t have to be like that. Again, in my Mennonite community, young people are treated like adults and expected to take on responsibilities at an early age.
I helped care for my younger sibling and prepare meals throughout my childhood. I started working on the fields and in the orchards during my summer breaks at the age of ten. I was expected to contribute 75% of my income to my family until I was 19, at which point I began paying room and board on top of paying for my own tuition, books, clothes, car, gas and insurance. This is not uncommon in my community, except for the part where I went to school. (Hence, my eighteen married friends who all walked down the aisle before their 25th birthdays).
By the time I was twenty my parents considered me an adult, fully capable of living on my own and making my own decision about whom to marry.I appreciate the amount of respect they had for me. Sadly, not all parents feel this confident about their children. Not everyone has been trained to be married at such a young age and I respect that. But I personally believe that as a society we ought to:
a) Give young people more credit than we do,
b) Give young people the tools and skills to marry at an earlier age, and
c) Raise our expectations. Young people can do better.
I truly think we should demand more from our young people in terms of maturity. We expect teenagers to be irresponsible, lazy, and troubled. And so they are. We expect college students to be unreliable, flighty, and uncommitted. And so they are. But I personally think that if 23-year-olds could handle marriage two generations ago, by golly, they should be able to do it now. If we expected more from young people, I think more of them would grow up like they’re meant to. I’m Confused This is what confuses me: we don’t balk when we hear about an 18-year-old choosing her own college and moving out of the house. We’re not at all surprised to hear that that same 18-year-old is having sex with her boyfriend and moving in with him two years later. So obviously it’s not that we think young people can’t live on their own or handle sex responsibly. And yet we think that same 18-year-old isn’t old enough to think about making her relationship to said boyfriend a permanent arrangement. What’s the deal? Why does making a life commitment require so much more maturity?Marriage is a commitment, a promise to stay with someone for the rest of your life. Some people are ready to make that promise at an early age. And from my experience, you learn best about how to live out that promise as you go.
Advantages to Immaturity
In some ways, I think a little bit of naiveté and inexperience can be an asset in a marriage. It gives the couple a chance to grow together, to learn together, to build habits and form their identities together. I sometimes think that Whomever and I are so compatible because we’ve grown into our identities together.
Please note: I am not saying everyone should get married at an early age. Far from it. Plenty of folks are not ready before they’re 25. But some are. And I think we should encourage and celebrate with those who are.
COMMENTS
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Darminicus
01:25 Dec 28 2011
oh baby! I love you sooo much rite now you dont even know, **hugs and kisses**
madlyn
15:31 Dec 28 2011
I am so happy for you both. Your words towards the love that has been created between you are so strong.
love and hugs
maddie