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I am so lost right now. Everything bad is happening all at once and I continue to ask myself why me? why now? I cant believe at one point in my life I believed there really was a God ... now I doubt his/her existence more than anything. I'm so ... lost ...

Life is Life. It is never fair. It is always a game. You can win any game you want to though, unless there is a cheater involved. I think life is cheating me at the present time, but ... I'm not giving up. Not yet ... not just yet ...

:I was thinking that I might fly today, just to disprove all the things that you say. It doesnt take a talent to be mean, and words can crush things that are unseen." `Jewel`



Indeed they can. Words can crush emotions and someones insides. It is a sad thing really. There are too many mean kids out there. Too many bullies. At times I want to take a bullies face and smash it into a wall over and over again, but wouldn't that make me a bully? Am I allowed to hurt a bully if I am doing it for a good cause? *Shrugs*

Life has been blurring together lately. Let me put it this way, my life is like a big ball of wire all tangled up. I try to untangle the mess but every time I do I get cut. The more I try the deeper the cut gets. When ... when will the wire be gone?

Why cant a woman get a little respect? It seems if you do not have a penis you have little power and little respect. Why does every thing have to be so complicated in the world? I just don't understand. Probably never will either.

My dad came home from his business trip today. We went to the bar and had a few cokes. It was family time, I actually enjoyed it because lately I have been more depressed than I can ever imagine. When we came home and I was loading the refrigerator up with coke my dad caught a glimpse of my arm and tried to grab my wrist to get a closer look ... I instantly started bawling and squirming. I thought there was going to be a big fight once I got away ... but there wasn't. My mom told me that shaving my arm was going to get me no where and my father told me to stop punishing myself. Maybe I should stop punishing myself. I did for a while ... and I think I am on the road to stopping again.

I need to know what every one's definition of hate is. I am always hearing people say the phrase, "HATE IS SUCH A STRONG WORD." So, if you are reading this journal and you have any thoughts on what the definition of hate really means ...holla :P