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Well, guess I better update on Lucien.



He's doing great! The BEAST is up to 12 lbs now and he'll make 2 months on Sept 16.



He's still learning his tongue..as he sticks it out all the time. And he just stared smiling. Its cute to watch!



His grandpa calls him "the little mushroom" because he keeps growing and growing in the dark and hardly sees the sunlight. lol

(we keep our place cold and dark 24/7)



He started pulling our hair now too! He's such a little shitball..but we adore him!



he's still sleeping in our room because he's still on the monitor.



I'm excited, I just started a new project to decorate his room. I'm contemplating a 3-D wall murial of The Nightmare Before Christmas-- Jack and Sally in a pumpkin patch. Dont know yet for sure..still debating on afew different things.



All I do know is that he wont have the normal every-day kids room considering, everyday is Halloween for us. I'm sure we'll "Goth" out his room too, like ours, eventually. lol



Anyway, in general, he's a good baby. Very content most of the time.



And he's a total DADDY'S BOY!!! If I have him when he's crying, he cries more and goes to screaming..the second that Loki picks him up..he's happy and content on his daddy's shoulder. Drives me insane sometimes..and Loki just laughs his ass off-- go figure! LOL



And Loki's doing so well with Lucien too. He's a great father. I'm so proud of him. He's very protective, and I find him talking and cuddling Lucien alot..its funny.



Other than that, not much else here...



~ALLS GOOD IN THE HOUSE OF FREAKS!~



LOL

Yesterday WAS a long day. After so long of being stuck in this place..doing the mommy thing, my nerves were shot to shit.

I had a breakdown.

I had to get my mom to come visit. She came along with my dad and my oldest son.



So got dad to watch the baby, and got mom to drive me somewhere cause I needed a break...



So I finally got a nice small, very small break last night. I went around the corner to the Tiki bar to get a beer...Of course I got that...added a few shots of tequilla too!! lmao

I haven't had a drink in a LOOOONG time, so I did get a small buzz, but it was nice. I was enjoying every moment of it.



Of course, I couldnt get shitfaced drunk or wasted cause I do have responsibilities and all, but a nice little buzz was helpful.



Came home, got a nice warm bubbly, and went to bed. hehehe



I finally got to relax for a little bit. It was sooo nice!

I absolutely NEEDED it.



I should go buy a bottle and keep around for just such occasions when my nerves are shot. heh



But, much better today...minus now, the lack of fucking cigarettes! damn my luck! I just cant win for losing!

Todays a bit of a slow day also.

Lucien's being a handfull today. He seems to be getting "lap collic" hah



He's definately daddy's boy though.

No matter what way I hold him, or what I do with him..he gets his "whiny moments"

but as soon as Loki picks him up...he's quiet as ever and happily content. I take him..he cries..his daddy gets him..he's fine. Geeeze.



Anyways, I got alot of plans going in my head today. Now to see if I can actually get something done.



I plan to go get some material to start on a blanket for Loki for xmas. I better start it now, cause it may take quite awhile.



I also plan on checking into a college course. Something that I can do online. I don't see myself being able to go to campus. But doing something online may help. I just can't quite figure out exactly WHAT to do.



I was thinking along the lines of:



**Medical billing and coding.

**Forensic science

**Photography

**interior decorating

or

**medical transcriptionist/pharmacy assistant (hahaha YEAH RIGHT..I can about imagine how that would turn out. muahahaha *evil grin*)



heheh Well, I just cant decide which one I would like to do, and actually be good at.



Considering Math is my weakest subject ever. And thats a total understatement.

I've done fucked myself up through all the shit I've done, so, my memory is not all that great anymore. That limits out "memorizing" anything.



damn. I really dont have the slightest clue what I could do here.





owell, shopping time! I'll pick back up on this a little later!!!





Ok back...



mmm, anyways yeah I still dont know what I'd be good at.



But at least I'm making progress by even considering this sort of thing (I would think)

Knowing myself, and anything that has to do with school...yeah I'd say, even contemplating this is a big step for me. heh



I have that whole anxiety thing though...I'd hate to get into something and waste my time getting half way through it, and quit because of failure. Damn. This is pretty tough. Im wracking my brain over this crap. But I do need to do something more with my life.



I'm getting old..Not old, but time is wasting away. And Im bored with just sitting back watching time go by.



Hmmmm. what to do, what to do?!?!?!!?



:/

ouch. ouch. ouch. ouch.



Damn surgeries. They suck.



I went in yesterday morning for my surgery. It supposedly went OK. Hell if I know, I was asleep, and when I woke up..I was in pain. hahaha



Yesterday wasnt to bad, but today is HELL.

I can't even breathe without it hurting a little toooo much.



During surgery, they pumped air into my stomache. They supposedly suctioned the air out..but obviously NOT all of it.

Theres air now, inside, and its irritating a major nerve in my chest, and when that happens i feel the pain spread all the way to my shoulders, and it feels like my collarbone is fractured or something. (its not..just feels like it)



On top of all of that..the incisions hurt..everywhere around that hurts.

For some reason my neck hurts too.

It just spreads from neck to waist.

This is a pain in the ass.



The doc prescribed Vicodin. HAHA I think that was just to piss me off. These stupid pills dont work for shit. I'm taking up to 3 at once, and still it dont do much of nothing. And I dont like taking any more than that. I hate taking pills. :(



I had to sleep sitting up last night. I couldnt lay down or it hurt like hell and I'd stop breathing.

So, needless to say, I didnt get much rest at all.



I'm exhausted, in pain, miserable, and pissed at the pills.

Thankfully, my mom is watching the baby this weekend, I cant do it right now.





Loki would take care of the baby, but he's sick and he needs to down a shitload of cold medicine to get himself better so he can work.

And that crap knocks him out cold.



It sucks that I can't take care of my son. I feel bad. I dont like putting my responsability on someone else..drives me nuts. Surgery is not a good enough excuse to me, either.

But it just hurts...alot.



I hope this goes away soon. This really sucks.