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My dad and I took her to the clinic, she has no chip but spayed. I found out a neighbor spayed some stray cats because they kept having kittens and people see cats roaming the front of the subdivision a lot, which is where I found her. My dad and I decided to adopt her. She will however be staying at my old home with him and my sister. My other 2 cats (well family cats really) who live with them are being nice to her from what my younger sister told me. I gave her a name: Carmel (well to be honest this one was suggested by a friend cause I didn't know what to call her) Since I am practically her dad, I'll visit her as much as I can. My grandfather really suggested just let it out and "9 times out of 10 it will find it's way home" ummm....IT HAS NO HOME. Least far as I know. No fucking way was I going to release it back out into the neighborhood in this fucking heat. Sorry grandpa, she deserves to actually live.
Well, I was on a night walk when I found this kitten laying on the sidewalk in my neighborhood. It looked like a stray. I called for it and she came to me and rubbed me, showed her belly, let me pet her. I waited with it to see if it's mother was nearby, walked with it to see if it had a home and it just got out. She meowed a decent bit. She let me pick her up, although she wanted down at times. She followed me when I called her, I decided to take her back to my house to get her out of this heat, gave her some turkey, some water and milk, made a litter box for her, a nest with bowls of food and water/milk nearby downstairs in the basement. I slept with her down there in the bed (she wanted to stay by me), she mostly slept like an angel. I'm taking her to a clinic today to see if shes chipped or not. I would adopt her but my gpa is allergic to cats 😢
Oh god....im so fucking sorry for everything, I'm sorry I wasn't ready, to be the man you wanted me to be, I failed you, I let you down, I made you hurt.
I met a girl who hated the world
She used her body to sell her soul
Every time they'd break her and pay
Tear out her heart and leave her in pain
I never found out how she survived
All of the sadness she kept inside
I never found out how she could lie
With a smile on her face and the scratches she'd hide
You could love her if you payed
You could have her every day
You could love her if you prayed
You could have her every way
Down on her knees she wept on the floor
Of this hopeless life, she wanted no more
Dead in her mind and cold to the bone
She opened her eyes and saw she was alone
She never found out how much I tried
All of the sadness she kept made me blind
She never found out how much I cried
The rope so tight on the night that she died
You could love her if you payed
You could have her every day
You could love her if you prayed
You could have her every way
I never found out how she survived
A life lived in lies is a life of denial
I never found out how she could lie
Laugh on her face and the darkness inside
You could love her if you payed
You could have her every day
You could love her if you prayed
You could have her every way
You could love her if you payed
You could have her every day
You could love her if you prayed
You could have her every way
If I ever find you....or by some fucked twist of fate "she" and I reuinite:
I promise I will love you unconditionally
I will be always loyal, I will never forsake you
I will treat you as if your the most beautiful women on the whole planet, that no one compares to you...
I will be very affectionate...clingy...cuddly...hope your fine with that lol
I will spend as much time with you as possible
I will talk to you as much as possible
Well, they had to cancel the lesson because their car is having air conditioning problems. Got rescheduled to Friday. Called them and asked if they can do any earlier than that, they said they would put me on a list i guess and call me back. I'm so fucking pissed, I was looking forward to this. So I just went to the county park, walked around in the woods for an hour (even though it was hot, I didn't care, I needed out of the house), listening to Blizzard Of Ozz. I must have been the only one on the trail I walked. Not that I don't mind. Found a spot underneath a crossing bridge and sat there for a few, I could probably camp out there if I wanted to, but other people and park rangers might found me. Now I'm just sitting out here by the entrance, just cooling down and chilling. My Tool shirt covered in sweat, making it black instead of gray
Well...nothing too important I guess. Just listening to Nightwish, starting driving lessons tommorow. I hope to get my liscense before my 24th birthday. Thinking about her again....visualizing the different outcomes of when I ask for her forgiveness. She'll either: accept my apology and see that I am genuinely sorry, want to do things right and will accept me as JUST a friend again. OR: probably tell me no, theres nothing I can do, that I'm irredeemable, she will always see me as a terrible person no matter what, then tell me to get the fuck off her property or shes calling the cops. Hope its the latter. Hope she will listen to reason and hear what I have to say.
Have not been doing much except just working and hanging out with my best friend. Other than that, life has been boring. I go to the county park when I can, even though where I live as of this moment there is a heat wave, for another few days. I ride my bicycle there, park it, just walk around the woods, look out towards the river, and just sit there sometimes. Just staring, listening to music. Going into my own world. Its funny...she introduced me to that park pretty much. We'd walk around there, walk a trail, even go to the rocks by the river and sit there, just enjoying the view and what not. She showed me a hidden spot underneath the observation deck which overlooks a cliff, and we sat there. She was concerned for me, not wanting to fall off, and there were hawks so she wanted to go. God....how did I fuck this up?
I remember the dates I took her on, going to a "fancy" resturant, dressing a little more formal (she was so fucking beautiful in her dress and the makeup she had on, I think my heart skipped a few beats) took an uber to there, ate our food and desert, her leaning against me on my arm, take an uber back to my house, we talked more and cuddled, then she waited for her mom to pick her up (I wastn't going to make her drive) ....fuck, I wish I could go back in time and change everything so fucking bad. She called me her soulmate...< I 3, her true love...all that. And no one had ever felt that way towards me in my relatively mostly boring life.
I been thinking, so around the time I sent her those texts, and then I felt extremely guilty, disgusted, and bad about it, I texted her mom to ask if she can respond to me, that its nothing bad. She said she doesn't want to talk to me. She said I need to improve myself, go to therapy, and all that. Show them (ex and her family) how hard I've worked on myself before trying to contact her again. Rose was right, I was always complaining, selfish, seemingly not caring about her, how i hate living, life sucks, didn't seem HAPPY, all that. We started off very good, but I fucked it all up because I couldn't make more effort to improve myself, like getting my liscene and a car (she always had to drive, though she would let me drive sometimes) She fucking gave me money to take a community drivers ed, and I fucked that up cuz the family wont let me use any of their cars cause insurance reasons or whatever bullshit when the instructor told me to contact him about driving my gpa's car so we can practice for the test and I told him he wont let me. I say I fucked that up because I saved enough money finally to enroll in a driving school that will let me use their car for the test, and I start next Monday, which is what im trying to push through this week for, trying to get my mind off her. I should have saved up for this shit earlier after that, but I was stupid to think I could actually rely on my family at this time for driving. She was upset at me for that too, not making any effort driving wise. And I feel so shitty for that, because while she didn't mind driving me she did get tired of it at times. She said she didn't want to "babysit" me for the rest of my life, she said I live like a child, and I felt bad about that. She talked to me about how I dont go out and socialize, practically have no friends in the real world. Which yea its true, I said yea, shes in a mess herself, has been all her life but she tries to improve it. She told me choose happiness, and I will try my damn hardest to achieve that. Once I think I have most of my shit together, I'll drive to her house, ask if shes home, talk to her, if she is i'll empathize how sorry I am for EVERYTHING, the relationship, how it started between us, the texts I sent this year sounding sad still because I was having a really hard time coping with this breakup because I had never been in love before, like actual love, the rant of me cussing her out cause I was jealous, depressed and felt betrayed all at once when I shouldn't have because I told her after we brokeup she can date her ex or anyone. How I treated her: how I didn't seem to fully appreciate everything she did for me, for not seeming to care for her enough, apololgize for my behaviour and that its just life has been very hard on me mentally the last 9 years and I needed to be in a postive mindset, etc. She did tell me when we were together and even before that that she wanted me to be happy and love life, didn't want anything to happen to me. At times when i texted her I sounded off like I didn't appreciate her for what she was doing and I was feeling unsure and pessimisic about the future; she sent me a photo of her crying. If something did happen to me, if I died, I feel she would cry so hard for me, she'd feel shitty. When we started I showed her Love Her by Seether; she asked why did I show it to her, I said its because the lyrics reminded me of her a little bit, and if something happened to you I would feel so bad and guilty about it all, like if it was my fault or partially. I must admit though, she was toxic to me at times, had no filter, which I think she warned me about, but I didn't care, she developed feelings (romantically and lustful) for me first, and I did for her after I couldn't get with her sister. Well, I'll show her hopefully by the end of the year how much i've been trying or have improved and changed, that im sorry about I was after the first few and then last months of dating and after the breakup, how I seemed like a terrible boyfriend; that I DO care for her because she practically came in a good time in my life, I just didn't have...I guess the right "skills" "attitude" about relationships and its challanges becaues this was all new to me and I wasn't sure how to feel. That we weren't compatiable. That and I had practically no one. Not even my best and only friend since middle school can be here with me all the time because he lives in across the river from me, like 40ish minutes away, has his job, friend group (but he always puts me at #1 he does care cause we are like brothers), and whatever problems hes having. Making new friends in the real world has been hard for me for the last 5 years. Some from high school have drifted away from me. And that I'm trying to take life more seriously now, that my life goal is to be happy, to get the second job I want, to go out more now that I can finally drive myself, make more friends, new hobbies too hopefully. Hope she accepts my apology and we can be cool again, cause I have a lot on my mind I want to say to her, I dont want to go through life feeling like she hates me, wants me dead, hopes im miserable the rest of my life cause that really fucks with me sometimes, I just want peace and closure with her.
… Baby, I get so scared inside
And I don't really understand
Is it love that's on my mind
Or is it fantasy?
… Heaven is in the palm of my hand
And it's waiting here for you
What am I supposed to do
With a childhood tragedy?
… If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain the same?
… Sometimes, it's hard to hold on
So hard to hold on to my dreams
It isn't always what it seems
When you're face to face with me
… You're like a dagger, you stick me in the heart
And taste the blood from my blade
And when we sleep, would you shelter me
In your warm and darkened grave?
… If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain the same?
… Will you ever take me?
No, I just can't take the pain
Would you ever trust me?
No, I'll never feel the same, oh
… I know I've been so hard on you
I know I've told you lies
If I could have just one more wish
I'd wipe the cobwebs from my eyes, yeah
… If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever
Will it all remain the same?
Oh yeah
… Close your eyes, close your eyes
You gotta close your eyes for me
I wish I had her back, she meant the world to me, but no I fucked it up....dispite all the shit we've said. I wish her and her new partner's relationship fucks up and she gives me another chance.
I wish I could go back in time and make shit right with her, do things differently. I dont think I can bear to lose her, even as a friend, because I appreciated her friendship. Despite all the shit I said to her the last few days, I feel guilty for saying all that and want to take every word back. I don't want to be her enemy. I just want to have things worked out between us. To go back to how things were before we got romantically involved, when she saw I had almost nobody in this world to root me on and encourage me. This is all eating me alive and keeping me awake most of the time and I just WANT TO HEAL. She blocked me on everything, but I just want a second chance with her as friends only, that I'll actually try to improve myself this time
Tried to repair things with my ex. She told me shes moved on and is sucking another guys dick, says he's the man she's supposed to be with.
They tell you they love you no matter what, they love you for you, want to protect you. Then they lose interest in you over time because you dont have the same qualities as their exes and criticize your flaws and your maybe going a little slower in life than your peers, and decide "yeah i dont think i like you anymore". Her name was Rose. She fucking betrayed me. Played with my feelings, played with my heart. I asked her then why did she love me to begin with? You know what she says? "Its a good question. And If I knew I couldn't feel the same then I wouldn't have done it" "I'd have to get into my own head at the time and I can't remember"
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