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I want her to be affectionate, cuddly, excessively clingly to the point she can't keep her hands off me, caring, empathetic, and sympatheic. I want her to have free access to my body whenever she wishes, pin me against my bed, wall, whatever and just ravage me. Just violate me, hold me close to her heart, embrace me. Why can't I find my zombie girl....... ;(
I rode my bike again to the park. Just to get out. I rode a 5 mile trail that loops around. I then sitted on a cliff and just relaxed. Once again I got some stares cuz I was wearing a Slipknot shirt and a Children Of Bodom necklace, oh well, im getting used to it by now.
I am trapped here in this fucked up species, this fucked up civilization, society, world. There is no chance of escape: money, bills, laws and rules, commitments, relationships, work just to survive, religion, coercion, the whole 9 yards. I envy animals at times, at least they dont have to deal with this bullshit, except relationships. Sure, they might live a more dangerous life, but they at least find joy and pleasure in the simplest ways.
The world is a prison cell, we try to get out of, yet some just follow the flow of the streams that make their way thru the concrete maze. Be you and be true to your feelings for that is the path to break down the walls of the mundane society.
Rose 6
04:20 Aug 19 2025 Times Read: 114
I know this is getting tiring....but fuck. The last month have been nothing but straining on me emotionally. Pain, hate, anger, sadness, despair, everything. If she was in this room with me right now and if she continued to treat me like shit and acted smug, sarcastic and condenscending about it, even if I was trying to tell her that I'm trying my best to change...I feel I would lose it. Going into an uncontrollable rage and punching her, kicking her, screaming at her, cursing her, just letting everything out. NOT SAYING I WANT TO ACTUALLY DO THIS, SO BEFORE YOU TRY AND SAY IM A WOMAN BEATER OR ABUSER, JUST NOTE AFTER WE BROKE UP (well, I won't lie looking back on it I feel like she was pressuring me to break up, something i never wanted to do) I WANTED TO AT LEAST BE FRIENDS AND ON GOOD TERMS WITH HER, BUT SHE ACTED LIKE I RUINED HER LIFE, CONTINUED TO BE TOXIC, I TRIED TO TELL HER HOW MUCH ALL OF THIS WAS HURTING ME AND THAT I AM SORRY FOR HANDLING THINGS WRONG I HAD NEVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP IN MY ENTIRE LIFE; NO WOMAN HAD EVER EXPRESSED INTEREST AND DESIRE FOR ME LIKE THAT IN THE LAST 10 YEARS OF MY LIFE, THAT CAN WE PLEASE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS MAYBE AND TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME. BUT NOPE, APPARENTLY IM A TOTAL BUZZKILL, EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK ME IN, DEVELOPED FEELINGS FOR ME FIRST, WANTED TO PROTECT ME AND BE LIKE A MOTHER FIGURE ALMOST TO ME. TOLD ME SHE WAS NEVER GOING AWAY NO MATTER WHAT. BUT I GUESS IM NOTHING BUT FOREVER DIRT TO HER NOW, I GUESS IM FOREVER A TERRIBLE PERSON. I'm just so fucking hurt...I feel traumatized by her. But if she and i were to be talking face to face right now, I fear she would try and provoke me despite doing my absolute hardest to maintain my composure and try to somehow convince her that I am genuinely sorry, and I fear I would be that terrible person if she really wants me to be one. Not once when we we're together did I feel angered by her, I was willing to put up with her because I loved her, because she cared, and I never layed a finger on her. Even when we had a small arguement of some sort over something and she was daring me to hit her, and I didn't because I could not hurt her, I couldn't imagine nor want to. Just her saying "then hit me" (or whatever it was) made my heart cry when she said that. This woman for over 2 years stole my black heart, and wanted to love it or at least care for and be there for what it was, then she changed, and tore off the bandages off of it, punched it, creating more wounds, and the tears started flowing again
Feeling nothing but....rage..hatred towards her all a sudden. The way she talked about her new boyfriend towards me, and the negative shit she said about me. I'm starting to think I hate her, I really do. I'm almost thinking about abandoning the original plan of trying to apologize to her. My gut feeling is telling me that she does in fact hate me. And it makes me almost want to cry....but also explode into uncontrollable anger at the same time. You know, if after we mutually broke up, if she had just told me something like "I just want to let you know I may not have feelings for you, but I don't hate or wish hurt onto you, I wish you nothing but the best, If you need anything I can at least be here and talk" something like that. But no....even when I was trying to be nothing but respectful and nice to her in texts, keeping her up to date on whats happening with me, how the holidays are going (she wished me a happy thanksgiving and I did the same), she was nothing but a complete bitch to me most of the time and I asked her whats wrong "ughhh i was having a good day" "Why would I want to talk to you?" etc. The questions still haunt me: Why did you love me then? What did you see in me? Why did you invite me to the hospital that one day? Why did you invite me to your ketamine treatment sessions then? Why did you tempt me into having sex with you? Why? If it was all for nothing and left me feeling nothing but false hope, and losing more trust and faith in people? Why do you like hurting me? I tried to my absolute hardest to do stuff with you and make you happy, even If I admittedly maybe was slacking in some areas of our relationship and friendship but It was NEVER intentional, I still loved you no matter what, even if you fell down on your luck and got into debt, became homeless, lost a limb or became physically or mentally disabled, lost your car, your house burned down, etc; I would have loved you unconditionally, you would still have been mine no matter what. But no...something changed in you...and you still wont give me an answer as to why. I wish I had the last 3 years of my life back, I wish I never took interest in her sister, I wish I had just said no when she asked if I wanted to have sex with her and lose my virginity when I came to visit her sister for a casual date, that your already in a relationship and I don't think this would be good for either of us. I feel like at times this was all my fault...I brought this on myself. I told her about myself and my quirks, problems and what not, I essentially gave her a clear warning, yet she went ahead with me anyway. Hatred, sadness, and horror all mixed into one is all I feel for her....she didn't have to do me like that...I was only a first timer. If time travel is ever invented in my lifetime, I'm taking advantage of it. I'll see if maybe therapy can somehow help me, but if it doesn't for some reason, then I'm left scarred forever that will be very hard to forget about.
Well, today was supposed to be my best friends birthday party with his family cause they couldnt on his actual birthday last weekend, but apparently there was some sort of miscommunication, and I work tommorow, so I cant attend his postponed party tommorow :( oh well. So....he picked me up last night from work, went to my house to do his laundry, went out and got some food, came back and watched some true crime while waiting for his laundry to be finished. We head to his house, went to sleep. We went to Dennys around 11 cause he was craving breakfast food. We ate, paid, went back to his house for 2 hours and played video games. Then his sisters fiance told us it was time to go, he was driving us cause my friend can't drive cuz hes going to be drinking lol. Me, friend, friends sister and fiance.;...oh and their dog LOL drove to a grocery store on the way to his stepsisters house. Fiance got twisted tea and Pepsi ZS, friend got smirnoff pink lemonade vodka and Pepsi cherry, I got a small bottle of baileys irish cream. Funnily the cashier didn't ID me but he did my friend who is older than me LOLL. We get to his stepsisters house, and no one is there. Only his stepsister and her boyfriend (or husband? theres pics of kids and shit on the fridge) are there. Fiance called my friends stepmom and asked wtf going on. So apparently they forgot they were having a late birthday party for my friend...even though fiance was pretty specific...damn. We stayed at the house for like 2 hours, 6 of us in total, just talking and other stuff, nothing really too exciting. I must say, his stepsisters pretty hot though LMFAOOOOO. He drinked some shots of his vodka, and started drinking some of my Irish cream and said it was better than what he was drinking Lol. I had a few sips of it cause I never had Irish cream before myself and hes right, tastes like chocolate milk almost. I started to get a little tipsy and he and I fucked around on their trampoline in the backyard, i gave him a rock bottom and a stunner XDD. When we got back to his house, we just chilled in his room, showing me Riverdale for the first time (its alright so far, I just dont really watch TV shows daily), family guy, other shit. I managed to drink the whole bottle of my cream....and I'm still feeling buzzed as fuck (or drunk?) LMAOOOO.
You know....nothing special or anything but fuck I have a lot of thoughts going through my head so why not let them out. You know what I really hate? Well, I'm not sure if this term is even the correct word for today's use, fuck I might be actually talking about 2 groups of people; JOCKS (teenagers and older), sports junkies, brocoli hair toting fuckboys (obviously this can apply to other races, but its mostly white people), whatever you want to call them, but you'll see what I mean. The type of guys who wear white shoes (or crocs, flip flops), short shorts, wear backwards hats if they wear a hat at all, wear some Hollister or generic beach town shirt. Listen to rap music exclusively. They most likely play a sport: football, baseball, soccer, track team, whatever. And they act so superior to anyone who isn't like them. Like total assholes. Of course, this not only applies to teenagers but college students or college aged people too. The college aged ones can espescially be real assholes, the ones who are average but a little built, or jacked, and they drive a sports car. They just give off asshole energy. Now, im not saying EVERYONE who dresses like that are a jock or whatever, they might just dress like that because it feels comfortable on them and they maybe just dont need much, they probably don't listen to rap exclusively maybe they like rock, country, or maybe metal even! They might actually be really nice guys who aren't dicks if you just talk to them. But this type of "jock" or not jock feels rare, to me at least. Maybe Its just where I live, but I swear I see these types of fuckers EVERYWHERE, work, the mall, food places, parks (well I'm not really surprised to see them there its kinda expected of them almost), EVEN if I just go for a walk or ride my bike, I MIGHT seen one or 2, or more. A few weeks ago my friend came to my house to hang out, he parked on the side of my house and there was this jock looking kid in his late teens I think doing yard ward, spraying the grass or something. Anyways, my friend got out, he personally identifies as a mixture of a emo, punk, vamp, maybe goth, he's alternative. Always was like that since I met him. He dresses in black a lot, wears fishnet sleeves and shirts. He has decals on his car. When he got out and we said hi to each other, the kid on the lawn looked at him like he was an alien of some sort, a different species. LOL
I personally like contrast and find identity more in things I'm not then what I have in common. Gave "When Cannons Fade" a Like on YT. Thanks for sharing.
First time drunk
04:09 Aug 10 2025 Times Read: 222
I'm drunk as fuck right now kmaofaooo at my best friends house for the night. His sister's fiance got almost everything, rum, whiskey, vodka, beer (I didn't try it), I took a shot of everything, along with a mix that he makes of vodka, orange flavored water, and tap water
Why? Why did you love me? Why did you play with my heart? Why did you develop feelings for me? Why did you say you'll never leave me? What did you see in me? Why won't you give me an answer! Do you know how much this hurts me inside, feeling like I'll never know why in the first place. Do you know how much you've made me cry at night, wanting you back? If I'm really that irredeemable, that much of a piece of shit to you, forever dirt in your eyes, then I guess you don't want to see me happy, then you don't believe in second chances, forgiveness, you don't believe in me, that I can change. That you don't care about me. I thought you would have sticked with me through the thick and thin, you'll be there to help me. A part of me just felt you wanted us to be on nothing but good terms. But if you don't, then I will move away from here, I will crawl away for good. I'm sorry for coming into your life then, and being nothing but a burden. Just leave then....If im worth nothing to you, not even as a friend. I just wanted to do the right thing...but I guess its all that black and white to you. Why did you have to be so cold to me afterwards? I was trying to be nothing but nice and tried to repair things. A.K: Why did you do this to me? What changed?.....I loved you.....I thought you loved me......
Went to the park again to walk around. This college aged looking couple were walking by towards me, and she whispered something to her boyfriend. Now im not entirely sure what he said to her, but I swear I heard him say part of a word "tallica". I think they were commenting on the clothes I was wearing. I was wearing my Metallica 72 Seasons World Tour t-shirt (funny, I got it while we went to the concert for her 20th birthday), gray cargo shorts, and black tactical boots (ideal for walking around in the forests and on the trails). Why the fuck do people really give a fuck about what I wear? Geez. Then I decided to walk the observation deck, and IM NOT SURE, BUT I think I MIGHT have ran into her new boyfriend. He and another guy, both wearing helmets and holding bikes, were talking about his girlfriend's ex. He said something like 'shes not your girl anymore shes mine' "I understand, I didn't have much opprotunities growing up either but---(forgot the rest)" "cooked" "Dont be around my girl" (or something like that). I went into the woods next to the observation deck and I stopped in my tracks and listened, I was thinking about maybe going back out and to the observation deck, walk by them, act like Im just another park visitor, and maybe to see if one of them comes up and talk to me. Also one of them glanced towards me when I was walking in their direction. Now could this just me being paranoid? Probably. Is this her new lover? Maybe not because I THOUGHT I heard one of them say another girls name. Ulitimately they just rode off and I just kept walking. Honestly? I've been starting to think and wonder if my ex even does give a shit about me. I don't know why...but something in my heart.....its telling me "she doesn't care" "she hates you" "fuck her".Now I'm not the one who goes out and starts fights but....if they are ever there when im at the park and one of them says something shitty or insulting to me (yes I know I can just ignore them, I would just ignore them if they didn't say anything, but theres a lot of shit on my mind I want to say to her) I'm just going to tell him "Oh by the way, she fucked me twice when she was still dating her boyfriend, and she was the one who suggested it in the first place, so I hope your fine knowing your girlfriend is a cheating slut" "Shes probably sucking off another dude behind your back for all we know" "I'm forever a terrible person? Then once a whore always a whore!" "If im a child then that makes you a pedophile and child abuser!" and other stuff I would like to put here but I dont want to make this too long. That will piss her, him, or both off, LOL. I've thought of comebacks too if they say something. (CUCKISH I KNOW I KNOW, BUT I NEVER HAD SEX BEFORE AND COULDN'T RESIST, I WAS ALWAYS SHY AROUND GIRLS, SHE MADE ME COMFORTABLE, AND I FELT DECENTLY ATTRACTED TO HER) If they try to do something, i'll make sure to use my pepper spray then GTFO. Well, I could also try to defend myself via fists, but I've never been in an actual fight before. But if it comes to that...well fuck it then im not letting them walk all over me, I wont go down without a fight! I just hope the police wouldn't get involved...but they likely would if something like that were to ever happen. A part of my heart just wants to move on...but another part of it says if in the future if she sees I've changed, maybe she'll ask to be just a friend again, just NEVER date her again.
I see I've achieved the rank of Nihilist...fitting hehehe. Please try not to rate me its perfect!
Other than that, don't know what I'll do tonight. Maybe I'll play Hitman, watch something, or take another night walk, just anything to get my mind off of her. I barely can get through the days, she haunts my mind. She wont leave. She meant so much to me.....and I fucked it all up, I self-sabotaged it all unintentionally. I created my own prison
I thought you were everything
I thought you were the one
But once again I'm still blind
By the fake mask of life
Again I fell for its trap
Again I felt for its lies
And now you are leaving
And I'm begging you to stay
What we had was something special
What's going on?
It's getting hard to breathe
I'm torn open
I'm on my knees, asking you to stay and not to leave
Please don't go
Please don't go
Where did my love go? What happened? Where am I? Is this all just a dream? Is this just some nightmare I have yet to wake up from? What did I do wrong, I'm sorry! I'm sorry for my mistakes! I never meant to hurt you! You took me in, you nurtured me, you cared for me...where did you go?
Tommorow I'm going to my old home to check on Caramel, my sweet baby 😍
From what my dad told me, the other cats are actually being nice to her, which is good, apart of me was worried they'd be growling, hissing, scratching her and what not. But they still adjusting to her.
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