The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

in this day and age dreams get thrown by the way side and life is made to be tough on the body and mind. i had to stand in line for an hour just to get food. due to minimum wages i can't always afford to buy my food. i had to stand in line to get basic food items so that i don't starve. (though right now i'm starving for some blood...) but life goes on. but because i had to be in line for the food bank, i wasn't able to go into work. i got asked if i could go in today. i really need the money. there are several things that i NEED as well as my wants.

i'm just sitting at home watching psych after a long day at work. i'm glad that im a quick study. i can start working the register on my own after today. i also might be called in next week on black friday. this is good news and means that i can get the money to get my fangs and other things that will make my appearance the way i want it. i don't give a shit if people think that i'm not who i say i am. i am me. you're not. end of story.

this is my second journal in the same day. brother has went off to work babysitting for a friend. so now i'm alone at home with 2 cats and 2 rats, a crisper full of orange bubly, and youtube music app... the only plus with the app is i'm finding music i like. and to top it off it's raining again... at least it isn't below freezing so no ice. which is stupid of me to hate a part of myself...

so i'm wondering what i should do to pass the time for the night. i think that boredom is the worst way to die...

if you leave cans of water in the crisper it's safer than forgetting that there are veggies there... that's how ive lost a lot of food...

i wonder if someone would notice if i just did a text prediction journal and let it random for a full page? is it so wrong to want to have some notice for my thoughts and feelings? to be noticed and acknowledged for my existence???

so right now i'm sitting in a local food place that is attached to a laundry mat and waiting for my clothes to become clean. it's a boring thing and i had to wake to the awful hour of 10am to make sure i was ready. but i guess that's not as bad as what i have to do tomorrow. tomorrow i have work. that means 7am to get up, wake, take a shower, dressed, eat, makeup (anyone who says men can't wear makeup is an idiot), and walk out the door by 1045am. yes it seriously takes me that long.

i'm currently feeling like i should get something to eat or drink to have an excuse to sit here. i'm only in this place to have access to a working outlet. how else could i possibly keep up to date on my random thoughts and whatnots. i don't really know how many people are reading this, but i think that it helps keep me from feeling like i'm completely alone in this world.

so my job is cashier at a thrift store. this gives me plenty of opportunities to feed off emotions (sadly none for blood when i need it...). i just don't like how i go from mellow and sullen in the morning to by the end of my shift i'm hyper and want to run laps around the store. it's partly that i clock out at 430pm and all the people shopping and being so emotional.

the other day i was at this craft group that i go to, and was told that i should be more festive on the holidays. i don't think so. i have my reasons for not wanting to celebrate these holidays. i just don't want to go into it with people that won't understand and fall for the social dogma that these things are so important. they aren't to people that know better. (more on that later...)

i was sadly born without fangs. i have one tooth that is fang-like. but i will be remedying this by buying a pair from a fangsmith. to me that is an easy way to change my outward self to who i am.

i am a vampire. sanguine and emotion eater hybrid. the few friends i have in my town are knowledgeable of this fact and will only spend time with me in big groups so i don't feed exclusively from them. though this drains them in other ways. i usually do better hanging around other introverts.

i am an introverted person. i tend to enjoy more internet friendships than those that are in my everyday life.

and yes, i am only really writing this because i have nothing better to do with my time. no one is willing to talk to me and i am bored.

now i'm getting offline and going to do something a bit more productive.

i have been thinking a lot about my school days... how i was always the different one and unnoticed if i was lucky. when i wasn't lucky i was bullied by the people around me. this was anyone from other students to teachers and even the parents of my classmates. i never fit in. but then i remember that i don't see them anymore. it's not like i walk down the street and see someone from my school days. i moved far enough away to make sure of that. now i'm free to be myself and live the way i choose. but how long does it take to decompress yourself from the zipfile you turned into to get by? im still stuck in the learning myself mentality because i wasn't allowed in the schools i went to to find out who i really was. i think if i just keep trying hard enough every day i will make a worthy person, for love, for friendships, for family.