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I start a new job tomorrow. I have to say, I'm really kinda scared. I haven't really worked in some time now and last Saturday evening I broke my ankle on both sides! I had surgery this past week, they put 2 pins in and I hope I'm gonna be okay. I was suppose to start last Monday, but because of the break and the surgery, they held the position for me till tomorrow. Yesterday was the first time I got out of the house since all this started and I have to say I have NEVER sweated so much. It was like my whole body was wore out by the time I made it down the stairs from the house to the truck. Oh, and the truck, well it's a "good ole boy" truck. You know with the lift kit and everything. So, someone has to pick me up and actually put me in the truck. Geez, I wonder how the new employer's gonna like that, lol.

Oh well, I've determined it in my mind to go and try. If I can't make it through the day, then I can at least say I tried, but I don't plan on giving in, I plan on staying through the day. Let's just hope the day goes like I planned.

Oh and least I forget when I got home from the hospital, my back tooth started chipping off. It's just been a horrible week, but tomorrow is Monday and time to start again.

Everybody keep me in your thoughts and I'll let ya know how it goes.

Talk to ya'll soon!

Just two days ago, I wrote how things were bound to get easier, right. Today, I'm not sure how I feel. If you would, just imagine for a moment, that the woman who gave you birth, who carried you for 9 months inside her body, could gossip about you (if it were true, it'd be different, I wouldn't mind), hurt you, turn your family against you, HATE YOU!

Just when I thought things were looking up, it's like that light at the end of the tunnel became a f---ing train! I'm so tired of it being the train. I'm just tired ya'll.

My daughter, my heart has asked me go home, but I don't have a home. South is home for me and I know that, but I have no one there, but her and my son. Now, with my mother taking me to Court for custody of my children, what do I do. She refuses to give me their information, numbers and passwords for grades. She doesn't have the balls to talk to me on the phone about it, so she emails me, how chicken can you be. I wanna be with my kidssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I have just went to work where I am now and love the job, making descent money. I love my new home, my youngest son is in school here and absolutely loves it. Someone tell me what to do, please! I'm crying so hard I can't even type right now. My insides are hurting so bad, I wanna die, I just wanna die. I haven't felt like that in a long time.

My dad disowned me, my brother and sister, whom I raised because my mother kicked them out at 12 due to her husbands (my step-father)abuse. The step father did his best to get to me or mess with me when I lived there, but at 15 I got pregnant. I know I'm rambling, I know I am, but I have no one to talk too but ya'll. I know sometimes you think you don't have anyone, but then you can think of someone. Well, I can't think of anyone. I'm almost 35 years old now, why do they hate me so bad?

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TaintedAngel14
19:01 Jun 12 2009

We all know Nina is a wuse, God would even admit that. But dont feel like everyone hates you, cause we dont, and you dont have to come back down here if you're happy up there. Ok?

Love you moma.

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I haven't wrote in my journal in a little bit now, so I figured it was about time.

I'm finally coming to grips with my "situation". I'm having to understand things that are out of my control. While it's ever so hard to hang on some days, it's inevitable and this I know.

You can't choose WHAT happens or WHEN it happens, you can only control what you do with WHAT and WHEN something DOES happen, cause it's going too.

I've been able to talk to my daughter almost everyday for the past week. Can you even imagine how happy I am. I've learned to put me aside and put her interests ahead of mine.

I remember being 15 (it's very blurry, lol) but I remember. I remember thinking I knew what life was about and what I wanted out of life and ya know what I was RIGHT!!, of course!!

I think about it today and know there's not one thing I would change. Not one breath, not one instance. I'd keep them all!

THAT's how I want her to remember her life. Never regretting one thing. I love her so much, I want her with me, but it's not what she wants and it's not what makes her happy. So, I'll make her happy. I'll step aside and let her shine.

Along with my son, she now stays with my mother. There's not one minute of the day that goes by that something doesn't remind me of them. Many, many tears have been cried with many more to go I'm sure. One day though, I know those tears of sadness will turn into tears of joy. I just have to believe!

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TaintedAngel14
03:34 Jun 11 2009

Kiki mama, lol, Life sucks, and everyone knows it, it gets harder everyday, Im torn between wanting you to be happy and wanting to be with you, god I miss you so much, but my heart tells me to stay here. You know I listen to my heart, and even though things dont go right, you just gotta hold on, Ive learned that the hard way, and so have you. *sighs* I cry alot too, but I just dont tell anyone, I wish you'd come back down south..back home..start again, we miss you, I miss you..I love you and dont you forget that..

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