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Lucifer's Fall from Grace

How it Really Happened (Satire)



Hello. It may seem odd that a literary piece is conversing directly to you, but I prefer this method then speaking through illiterate, deranged outcasts. I feel that this matter should come straight from the "horses mouth", sort of speak. Many of you will deny this, some of you will see it's rationality and revel in it's blasphemous tone. This is Satan. Yes, people believe me to be the "Prince of Darkness", "Father of Lies" or your personal temptation into sin, but I would suggest to these kinds of people that they would stop flattering themselves. I would never waste my time on such useless souls anyway. These speculations merely come from God's book, and I doubt he would speak the truth about me, or himself.

But to begin, I would like to speak about how I inherited my most recent name, Satan. Yes, your Bible is correct that I was banished from Heaven to Hell and my name was Lucifer, but this is the extent of it's honesty. The way I was thrown from "Grace" has been corrupted beyond recognition, and I am writing this to shed some light on how it all took place.

It all started on a heavenly night, taking place inside of God's palace. God, the archangel Gabriel, Michael and I were playing a card game that I just recently invented; Texas Hold Em' to be exact. In victory of winning the pot, God began to explain a bright idea he was thinking about, "You know what would be amusing? Creating a world, filled with mortals that I have given natural urges, desires and sexual drives, and me saying that all of these compulsions are evil. Now if these mortals didn't repent for these natural acts of evil, and serve me, I would send them to the place of pain, anguish and eternal agony of which I had created", God proclaimed in the midst of his sadistic chuckles. Gabriel, Michael and I gazed at one another in awe, doubting God's rational thinking.

Now, I do not remember exactly how the words were put, although we were all intoxicated by the juice of the fermented grapes in Heaven's gardens, so the way things were said probably held more hostility then what I am portraying, but I remarked with something along the lines of, "God, what is the matter with you? Are you sadistic? That's a horrible idea, besides, you've had way too much to drink". God isn't the most open minded individual, and is quite egotistical and pompous. So this enraged God. We both exchanged some words and vulgarities in our drunken stupor, but was quickly ended by the encouragements from Gabriel and Michael, suggesting that God just sleep on the idea.

After a few silent hands of Texas Hold Em', I parted from the table to take a piss. As I opened the door of the bathroom after finishing my business, God sucker punched me with a three punch combo; three mighty punches accompanied by lightning bolts from His knuckles and a chorus of angels singing a epic melody in the background. I fell to the ground instantly, left with three gushing wounds that created scares that have existed to this day. Barely conscious, I watched as God paraded around me, boasting on how he knocked me out. As God turned, I climbed to my feet and tapped God on his shoulder, delivering one punch as his chin was exposed. This punch dropped God to his knees, where I finished him with a kick to the groan.

After a few moments, and as anger left my being, I had just realized what I have done. I knew full and well that God's personal guard of roughly three million angels were on their way to kick my ass. In all reality, these angels weren't the toughest entities to exist, and I could probably handle each one individually, but their sheer numbers created a ominous disadvantage for me. In a frenzy, I grab the remainder of the boozes, the cash on the card table and God's girlfriend, and retired to this place of torment of which God spoke of, more commonly referred to as Hell.

Ever since then, I have been in Hell. Another thing, Hell isn't a place of pain and torment as it was intended to be. I have reformed it into a exclusive place of sex, drugs, and paradise. If you are reading this, don't assume that if you go against The Almighty, that you will easily reach Hell. You have a lot of competition, and Hell has a long waiting list. If you are the average sinner, you will probably inhabit a realm called Limbo, and to give you an idea of that, just imagine standing in a grocery store line for all eternity.